


This might be a little out of hand

by Luna_Moon_26_20



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Andreil, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Graphic Non-Con, Hurt Neil Josten, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, POV Neil Josten, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Andrew Minyard, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slightly OC Andrew Minyard, Slightly OC Neil Josten, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, The world doesn’t deserve them, they deserve the world
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:42:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25134097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luna_Moon_26_20/pseuds/Luna_Moon_26_20
Summary: Neil gets assaulted on one of his runs and he’s left to deal with the aftermath. Hurt and alone, he’s not sure he can turn to Andrew for this one, but the blond refuses to be left out of what slowly becomes the greatest challenge Neil’s had to face yet.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 185
Kudos: 411
Collections: All For The Game random short stories





	1. I am nothing

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sure where this idea came from but it got stuck in my head last week and I couldn’t sleep until I wrote it. At first it was meant to be a one-shot, but the story grew bigger in my head and I decided to give it a try.  
> I think I put every warning into the tags but, just in case: this story is HEAVY, and it’s GRAPHIC and it deals with rape and the aftermath of it. Neil goes through some heavy stuff in this story and, by extension, Andrew.  
> I’m not sure how detailed the plot is going to be. My writing tends to be very character driven so I focus on emotions and relationships. Everything else that happens is just the excuse to delve into those themes.  
> Though I love Nora’s extra content, I’m not sure I’ll be following every fact. New foxes like Jack and Sheena may or may not appear in this story. I may just create my own new characters for this. I haven’t decided yet. My focus are Andrew and Neil, plus the original foxes.  
> I apologize before hand if I get any details wrong about the settings of the original books, the character’s backstory and, of course, Exy. This story came as an out of the blue idea and so it’s written like one, not much research put into the process. Lots of feelings though.  
> I can only hope you can give it chance and enjoy reading it enough to leave a kudos or a comment down below. It would be really appreciated.  
> Tags may be updated as the story progresses.  
> Andrew and Neil might seem a bit OC but considering what they both have to deal with here, I guess they can get away with a little softness between each other. 
> 
> All that being said: welcome! I hope we can ride this rollercoaster together 😃

_** PART 1 ** _

I'm not sure what possesed me to go running that night past Palmetto State grounds, I just know that I would come to regret it for the rest of my life.

Andrew always says he doesn't believe in regret, that he's never regretted anything in his entire life. I used to think he had a valid point. Now I'm not sure I do so anymore.

I could probably pinpoint when everything went to hell again to that particular running marathon, as everyone likes to call it, and I couldn't bring myself to go running again for some time after that. I also used to think that after surviving my father and Riko, I was strong enough to survive anything else.

I was wrong.

I was halfway through my second year at Palmetto when it happened.

I had become too comfortable around my new home, my friends. My family.

Andrew. And I should've known better than to let my guard down. 

It was sunday and we'd just gotten back from Columbia when the itch to run had hit me. Not in the keep-running-never-look-back kind of way, but in the too-many-days-without-exy-need-to-burn-some-energy kind of way. I always get like that on sundays.

So I know it was late, but our dormroom was crowded with Aaron and Nicky hanging in ours, and I could tell Andrew wasn't in the mood for burning off energy _that_ way. In fact, he hadn't been in the mood all weekend, but that was alright.

I just decided to put on some running shoes and walk out the door, Andrew sending an uninterested glance my way before returning to his cigarette by the window.

I closed the door behind me.

I ran past the Fox Tower parking lot, past the school buildings, past the stadium but instead of circling back I kept going, and going, and going because every step forward meant a longer way back home and so I ensured my body would be tired enough to sleep and not toss and turn all night with restless energy.

It's safe to say that after that night I made sure to always run in a treadmil at the gym or inside the locked court where Andrew was sure to follow to keep an eye on things. To protect what was his.

After a while I could finally feel my legs tiring, another drop of sweat landing stingly into my eye, and I knew it was time to go back. It was also the moment it happened.

I had managed to run into a pretty isolated path, just a road dangerously close to the highway with a few rundown buildings to the side. It mostly just had large alleys and the occasional random tree. It was a bad area, one I would’ve once used to hide in for a while before moving to the next spot on the map. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t concerned with the place, since I’d spent so many days in places like that growing up. Now I know to steer clear of them.

It happened a few feet after I doubled back to run my way back home. I was running past an open parking lot where people tended to leave broken cars to rust, when a figure sprang to its feet, making me gasp and jump backwards, almost losing my balance entirely. For a split second I thought it was a homeless man, taking refugee against the slightly cool night, but he wasn’t.

I went to run past him when he lunged latching into my arm and yanking me deeper into the space between rusting vehicles. I didn’t hesitate. I pushed him against the car and tore my arm free, heart beating uncontrollably in my chest. It had been a long time since I’d felt the spike of fear from inminent danger coursing through my veins. I left the man there and turned to run away but, as it turned out, I didn’t have to worry about him chasing me. The moment I turned, pain exploded from the side of my head, blinding me until the next thing I could see was the parking lot ground digging roughly into my cheek. There were also spots clouding my vision.

“Quick” one of the men whispered and I felt myself being dragged further into the badly iluminated parking lot.

I was dizzy and dissoriented. My head was pounding mercilessly where the rebar had made contact, a rebar that was also used to stop my struggling attempts. It came down on my back twice. Hard.

All I could think was my father’s people had found me. The Butcher of Baltimore had been dead for a while, but not all of his followers had been caught. I had naively hold on to the hope they wouldn’t come after me out of revenge since they wouldn’t risk getting caught for a dead man.

But the men didn’t mention my father and revenge wasn’t a word they used while they had me. I remember every word they said.

When I was dragged into a poorly illuminated section of the lot, I tried to break free again, only to have my stomach spasming a second later from a pointed kick and my left arm twisted painfuly behind my back.

“Let go of me!” I growled, still trying to shove the man from my back where he’d made a home sitting down. I couldn’t breathe.

The men only chuckled.

Then came the sound. A zipper pulling down.

Not even then did the notion clicked in my mind. It wasn’t until a pair of too big hands grabbed a hold of my sweats and yanked them down, boxer briefs and all, that panic really took a hold of me.

_ No. No no nononono. _

The man holding me down let go of my arm and stood up, but before I could scramble to my feet, a foot came down hard on my shoulders and stayed pressed painfuly into my back. The other man knelt behind me.

I couldn’t even turn my head enough to see what was happening. I could just feel hands, disgusting hands, kneading my ass and I choked on a protest.

No one but Andrew had ever thouched me like that. I never wanted anyone but him to touch me and to have this man running his meety hands all over me was nauseating.

It was also humiliating.

“Stop!” I yelled to no avail.

“Shut it!” 

I tried to kick my legs and push off the floor with my knees, but all I managed was to bruise them and make the man dig his fingers sharply at my waist to keep me still. I felt him lean his weight over me and when a hand parted my cheeks, I panicked even harder.

“No” I spat. The man didn’t stop. “ _No_. No!” 

Didn’t he understand? No means no! People is supposed to respect that, they’re supposed to stop! But the only one who always stops wasn’t there and I was about to be violated in every way.

My breathing was ragged and when I felt the man’s cock at my entrance I stopped breathing altogether. “I don’t want— don’t— NO!”

But all I got for my trouble was a knee digging into my back when the man pressing me into the ground knelt down to shut me up, clamping a sweaty hand over my mouth.

The other man pushed inside.

He wasn’t careful and he wasn’t slow. Of course he wasn’t.

I had to squeeze my eyes shut against the pain and scream into my human gag. The burn was so bad.

He wasn’t able to go all the way in the first time, so he started thrusting with whatever part of himself he’d managed to stick inside. It was hell either way.

Apart from my clamping muscles and the painful destruction happening behind me, my heart was twisting into a knot.

Andrew and I had only just started doing this. After a year together we’d only tried to go all the way a couple of times, each time better than the last if not yet entirely good.

It was a slow process and Andrew always made sure I was okay with whatever he did. He insisted on stretching me endlessly so I wouldn’t feel much pain and he always, always asked.

This? This was like being carved inside out and I should know, I've been carved before.

With every thrust the man pushed a little bit more of himself into me until, after a while, he was impaling himself to the tilt inside me. That night I bloodied my fingers clawing at the ground.

"Yeah, oh yeah" the noises coming out of the man's mouth were downright pornographic and I still have nightmares about the crude things those men said to me.

_ Fucking tight.  _

_ Fucking good. _

_ You like it. I know you do. _

I did not like it. I hated every moment of it with such a passion that for a while I distracted myself with images of stabbing a knife into the man's chest until all the pain and humiliation bled from my body into his.

The images only worked for a minute, because then the man increased his speed and I was sure I was being torn up inside. It was so painful I couldn't help another muffled scream.

I tried reaching back with my hands to push the man away, or at least get him to slow down because _it hurts, it hurts, it hurts_ but he merely just grabbed them, bruising my wrists in the process of keeping my hands pinned to the ground.

I had already guessed the man hadn't used protection. But when I felt his shooting come filling me up, I whined in desperation. 

The men switched places.

My body was shaking with weakness. Too many debilitating blows to be able to struggle much any more and I'm pretty sure I was concussed as well. Stupid rebar.

The other man lined up.

This time my upper body was free, my first tormentor somewhere to the side still letting out comments about how good I felt and how he'd do me again any day. I wanted to throw up.

When the second man started moving, my world was reduced to pain once more.

"Stop" I whispered, not sure I could muster enough energy to shout. "Stop, stop, pl—"

A sharp gasp escaped me. I would not used that word. Andrew had always been right, pleading doesn't get you anywhere. 

So I laid there, trying not to let out any sound now that my mouth wasn't covered and forcing myself not to beg the man to stop. He wouldn't anyway.

He came inside me too.

"Fuck... yeah..." the man grunted in my ear. 

A grunt of my own left me when the man pulled out and I couldn't help the sob that followed when both men spread my cheeks again to stare at what they'd done. "Look at that. He's twitching for more"

I crawled away from them until they let me go.

"Maybe next time, Josten"

I froze. 

They didn't give me the time to come out of the shock of them knowing my name before I was howled to my feet and my clothes were roughly pulled up. I think I would've preferred them to leave me sprawled on the ground alone, because my head wound throbbed with the sudden change of position and it was hard to stay on my feet, specially since they pushed me forward and back into the path.

"Run along now, number 10. Thanks for the treat"

Somehow I managed to regain my balance and began the painfuly slow walk home, the men's laugh haunting me until they were finally out of earshot.

I stopped when I couldn't breathe anymore.

I was gasping for breath and my head was spinning the world dangerously around me. If I hadn't leaned into the fence surrounding the stadium I'm not sure I could've kept going once I fell to the floor.

When my mind caught up to the fact I was already _at_ the stadium, another sob tried to break free. I didn't let it.

I was on school ground now and normally I wouldn't think of the walk back to the Tower as a challenge, but that night it was a miracle I was still standing.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of using my phone sooner, it must have been the concussion, but it was a useless thought anyway. When I patted my pockets, I remembered not grabbing the thing when I left the dorm earlier.

_ Stupid _ .

If I could only just call someone. Matt or even Wymack, anyone but...

I kept walking. I needed to get to the Tower. Maybe I could crash in Matt's room, or better, the girls'.

That thought kept me going. 

The drops of blood running down the side of my face weren't the only thick substance running down my skin, but they were the only ones I could do something about at the moment, so I pressed a hand into the wound, wincing at the increase of the painful pulsing.

Finally the Tower came into view.

The parking lot was deserted. Was it midnight already? I was sure to get a lecture on keeping my phone with me at all times from... I didn't want to think about him right now. I _couldn't_.

I was glad I didn't run into anyone on the Tower lobby. Stairs were out of the question in the state I was in, concussed and shaking like a leaf, so I went for the elevator, my only goal now making it to the girls' room so I could lock myself in the bathroom and never come out again.

If I should only be so lucky.

When I made it to our floor, I stumbled out of the elevator and leaned heavily into the wall. Turns out I wasn't alone.

"Oh, hey man" Matt said, he'd been probably making his way from Dan's room to his own. "Do you— Christ, Neil! What happened to you?" 

I staggered a step back when he rushed to my side. "N-nothing. I'm fine"

Matt's exhasperated sigh accompanied a hand to my shoulder. If it wasn't for the supporting hand I would've already fallen to the floor.

" _Dude_ , just don't. What happened?"

"Was running. Fell" 

Matt seemed to buy it. He pulled my arm over his shoulder and then did the last thing I needed in that moment. He steered us towards my room.

"No" my voice caught in my throat and my vission blurred. It wasn't because of the concussion. 

"It's okay. We'll get you to Andrew"

I tried to resist but Matt was bigger than me and he easily dragged me closer to the door. We passed the stairwell and I tried to hold on to the edge of the wall.

"Don't tell him. Matt, please. Don't get Andrew. The girls. Please. The girls"

"Neil?" finally he hesitated, looking down at me with confusion in his eyes. "He's gonna kill you _and_ me if I don't get him" then he continued to drag me forward.

"Matt, no!"

Suddenly the door at the end of the hall flew open and Andrew came charging towards us. He was aiming for Matt.

"Andr—" he got to us before I could utter a word and pushed Matt away from me, pinning him to the wall.

The problem was that, at that point, I was only able to remain standing because of Matt's hold on me and when he was forced to let go, I stumbled to the side. The stairwell was _right there_.

I yelped and flung my arms around for purchase until a second later Andrew was in front of me, sneaking an arm around my waist and preventing us both from tumbling down the stairs by locking his free hand on the wall.

We were close enough that we panted the same air and I stared into his unforgiving eyes until my resolve finally shattered. My eyes watered and without my say so, a couple of tears slid down my cheeks. 

Andrew's gaze turned slightly confused, the tiniest of frowns making an appearance in his usually stoic face. My breathing picked up its pace.

"The hell is going on?" Nicky's voice reached us from the end of the hall but I didn't look away from Andrew. Instead Andrew was the one to break eye contact and glanced down at my legs. They were shaking uncontrollably. 

Nobody answered Nicky. The first words out of Andrew's mouth were cold and dangerous. They weren't for me.

"Maybe you didn't hear him Boyd, he was saying no"

The words stabbed me either way. My chest spasmed with the effort of reigning in the sobs that wanted to claw its way out of me desperately. I couldn't do this right now. I couldn't dump this on Andrew. I couldn't!

I also couldn't help it.

Then Andrew was back in motion, ducking under my arm and taking Matt's previous position as my human crutch. 

"Neil, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Matt asked but I didn't answer. By this point, the rest of the foxes had snuck their heads into the hallway to see what the comotion was about. I payed them no mind.

We reached our room but Andrew stopped near the entrance.

"What's going on?" Kevin asked.

"Out" Andrew's command made everyone startle. Even me.

Aaron was quick to follow the order and go back to his own room, but Nicky, of course Nicky, wouldn't be deterred so easily.

"What the hell, Andrew? He's hurt, we should call Wymack and Abby" I tensed up at his words.

"Go back to your room Nicky. Don't go making any calls"

"But—"

"Get. Out. You too, Day. Out"

"But it's my room!" I was rapidly losing the rest of my strength and had to lean more into Andrew, though I was trying to keep our bodies as separate as possible for his sake. It wasn't working.

"Find somewhere else to sleep" 

"Why should I—?"

"I said get out!"

I involuntarily flinched. Andrew never yells. He insults and mocks, he deadpans and ignores. He stares you down indifferently until you give up and stop trying to get a response out of him. But he never, ever yells.

Kevin and Nicky scurried out of the dorm and Andrew kicked the door closed behind us.

He started us towards the couch. I let out a moan because I was done walking. My legs felt like butter and my backside hurt so damn much I wished I could pass out just so I wouldn't think about why.

Andrew deposited me gently on the soft cushion but the agony of sitting down ripped a complain out of me. I squeezed my eyes shut again and an image I rathered forget assaulted me behind closed lids. It was Andrew's manic grin staring up at me when he'd tried to get up from the bed at the Hemmick’s house, right after Drake. _Oh, oh, that's unpleasant. I am not a fan of this at all._

"Stop crying"

I opened my eyes to find Andrew staring daggers at me. The sight was almost comforting.

"I'm not" I whispered. He raised a brow. "Well, I d-don't want to. It won't stop"

And it was true. I didn't feel like I wanted to break down with sobs anymore, but once the tears had started leaking, the drops just wouldn't stop. At least the room was quiet and I was finally off my feet.

Why did I ever think going to the girls would be better than going to Andrew?

"How many were they?" that's why.

I dropped my eyes and looked away from him.

I wanted to say so many things to him. _I'm sorry. I never really understood. I don't know how you did it. I'm sorry_. I didn't utter a single word.

He walked into the kitchen and moments later a glass of water was pushed into my hands. I drained it in one gulp.

Andrew perched himself by the window and waited for a while. Silence dragged on.

My eyes were getting heavy and they stung with trying to stay opened. I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried.

"How many?"

I let out a defeated sigh. "Two"

"Abby's or the hospital. Your call" I snapped my head up to him.

"Neither" Andrew's expression betrayed nothing.

"This isn't something you can patch up yourself"

"Yes, I can"

A tense silence settled between us. "You need to get tested"

The words strangled a choked sound out of me.

I sprung to my feet, pain be damned. I wouldn't hurl all over the floor.

I stumbled into the bathroom and my stomach spent two minutes trying to crawl out of my throat. The dry heaves afterwards were painful and long. Movement to the left caught my attention.

Andrew was waiting just outside the door. When I saw the refilled water glass in his hands, something in me snapped. I stood up and went to him. He took a step forward.

" _Don't_ " I snarled.

He stopped.

I shut the door locked in his face.

"Neil"

But I wouldn't budge. Andrew couldn't help me take care of this. I couldn't ask that of him. In fact, I was gonna take care of it on my own right then.

I stripped, peeled off my sweaty clothes and turned on the shower as hot as it would run.

" _Neil_ "

Andrew's voice sounded strained. First he yells and then his voice strains? This was affecting Andrew. This was _hurting_ Andrew and that's why I hadn't wanted to go to him in the first place. He didn't need a reminder of what had happened to him. He didn't need to see me and think of his childhood, his own pain. But I wasn't going to let it happen. I was gonna get rid of it and then Andrew would't have to deal with it. _I_ wouldn't have to deal with it.

My skin was scalding but I forced myself to endure the pain if it meant washing away the blood and the-the- _the white_ running down my legs.

After a minute of furious scrubbing, I realized my armbands were still on. I was so used to them by now they felt like a second skin and only when I finally took them off did I notice the bruises on my wrists. Long, finger-shaped bruises encircling the spot where the man had held me down. Somehow, they felt even worse than the sharp bite of handcuffs. 

Some time after, I turned off the shower. If anything, at least I wasn't shaking as bad as before. Then I realized my mistake when I glanced around the bathroom. I didn't have clean clothes.

With a heavy sigh, I called out to Andrew.

He didn't answer.

"Andrew?" my fingers began to shake again and my voice dropped to a whisper. "A-Andrew?"

Panic gripped me.

_ He left. _

I couldn't breathe. 

What was I expecting anyway? After blowing the door in his face like that, of course he left! _Stupid, stupid, I'm so stupid_.

I don't remember how long I stood there. I just know eventually I forced my tired legs to take me to the bedroom. If the dorm was empty, at least I didn't have to worry about clothes.

I put on the loosest pair of sweats I had and then hid my still slightly shivering chest with a long sleeved t-shirt. I didn't think I could stand looking at the bruises on my arms.

The once appreciated silence became oppresive then. I was alone in the dorm with a thousand feelings wrecking havoc inside me. Memories playing in a loop no matter how open my eyes were.

Hands holding me down. Pressure forcing its way inside. 

I didn't want to think about it. 

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Where was Andrew? Why did he leave?

_ I _ made him leave. The room swam around me. I stumbled over to the desk where I'd left my phone earlier, sighing in relief when I saw the text message.

_ Roof _ .

It was sent half an hour ago.

He hadn't left. He was there.

"Stop that" I growled to myself when my eyes started watering again and I wiped at them furiously, wincing when the movement pulled at the skin on my forehead. I'd forgotten about the wound.

Would Andrew mind if I went up with him? Was the text an invitation or a warning to stay away?

I wasn't sure. 

_ What if I go to him? What if I don't? _

_ What if I just  _ go _?_

My usual default setting struck then.

_ Run. Run. Go.  _

But I couldn't run. I'd promised Andrew I would never run away again and if there's one thing I'd never do to him was break a promise.

So I put on my trainers and went out to search for him.

My head was pounding, my legs were weak. Every step up the stairs brought a twinge of pain between my legs, but I was determined, and five agonizing minutes later I was pushing the roof access door open.

I found him where he always sat, back to the door and feet dangling off the edge but I couldn't make myself sit by him. Instead, I leaned against the wall and slid down 'till I could tuck my knees against my chest. The position wasn't comfortable, but I figured everything else would hurt just as much. I just needed to see him.

Andrew knew I was there, of course he knew. His posture had become rigid the moment I opened the door and that had been yet another painful stab to the gut. The roof was a place Andrew could go to relax, decompress the stress away. I had put that stiffness there. I had tainted this place. His place.

Our place.

I resolved to hiding my face between my knees.

I didn't recognize myself. I had never felt as out of kilter as I felt that day. It was like, for a moment there, I'd stopped being Neil Josten. Instead, I was Alex, and Chris and Stefan. I was everyone and everything I'd tried to leave behind. But Neil Josten was gone. I didn't feel bold and brave. I felt used and useless. I was nothing again. Those men had turned me into nothing.

_ I am nothing. _

_ I'm nothing. _

_ Nothing. _

Smoke filled my nostrils. I lifted my head just so I could peek over my arms. Andrew was there, twirling a new cigarrette between his fingers. He wasn't smoking it.

I hadn't heard him approach, and he hadn't called for me. He'd just waited for me to pick up on the change in the air.

I stared at the lit end of the cigarette, transfixed, letting the scent of smoke bring down my levels of anxiety one burnt ember at a time. 

"Neil" Andrew said and my focus shifted to him. He stared at me for a minute and the sheer intensity of his eyes had me holding his gaze like I was drowning and he was the only source of oxygen left. His words made total and yet no sense at all. "This doesn't change anything"

I blinked. Of course it did. It changed everything.

Andrew's gaze was unwavering and determined. He didn't look rattled anymore but calm and confident. Not indifferent, not like he should’ve. If Andrew had looked bored, uninterested, I could’ve pretended nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t even have that.

“It already has” I whispered, the broken thing passing as my voice something I hadn’t heard since my mom died and I had to say a hasty goodbye to her burnt memory.

This time Andrew did take a drag from the cigarette. “To me it hasn’t”

It took a while.

It took a while and three more cigarettes before the tension slowly uncoiled from my body. I ached now with exhaustion more than anything. Exhaustion and dread for what I knew would come out of Andrew’s mouth next. His eyes had shifted to the wound on my head so it wasn’t hard to guess. The hospital. The last place on earth I wanted to go right then but I couldn’t keep lying to myself. I hurt, a lot, down there. And what Andrew had said… 

“Not here and not Abby” 

“Columbia then. Tonight”

I went back to the hiding spot my knees provided. I didn’t want to move again that night, or ever for that matter, but Andrew’s tone was final, his mind already set.

I sighed and nodded. I heard Andrew going back to his feet but I didn’t follow for a while, gathering the strength and the will to just move, until the question reached me and I gasped. “Yes or no, Neil?”

His hand was extended towards me, offering, inviting. He just wanted to help pull me up and he’d used a question for that. He asked somethig as simple as that and the thought alone, the consideration, almost had me breaking down all over again.

And, seriously, I don’t even know why I was so surprised. This was Andrew after all, and he’d said so himself. _This doesn’t change anything_.

And in that moment I understood. Nothing had changed between us. He was still Andrew, stoic, strongminded, dependable. And I was still me, Neil… just Neil.

I latched into his hand with a whispered yes and though the world swirled and my head spin when he pulled me up, his presence was enough to ground the earth around me.

I wasn’t alone.

I was hurt, beaten and sore, but at least I wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Should I continue the story? The major arc of the thing is already thought out, I just need to work on the details.  
> Also, I’d like to warn you that english isn’t my first language (it’s actually spanish) so I apologize for any gramatical errors or if the narrative feels strange some times.  
> And, last but not least, I always welcome requests and ideas. What would you like to see happening in this story? If what you want fits the general plot, I’m sure I can work something out.  
> Thanks again for giving this story a shot and I hope to see you come back for the next chapters. Until then: be safe and take care!


	2. They got me. They’ll kill me. They’ll have me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was overwhelmed with the response to the first chapter of the story. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I can only hope that this chapter and the rest of the story lives up to your expectations.
> 
> Remember the warning tags people, things are discussed pretty clearly in this chapter.  
> My take on how Neil will deal with what happened to him is just one of the many ways people can react to being violated like that. I’m just exploring emotions and ways in which people can react to it.
> 
> Let’s see how the story goes on...

It was the longest hour of my life.

Andrew drove the car like the world was on fire and yet took the gentlests of turns when the road asked for it. I was grateful for that.

But we didn't talk.

We didn't turn on the radio.

We didn't do anything more than stare at the road ahead and count the highway signs until Columbia was mere minutes away.

When we finally got there and Andrew found a place to park, neither of us made a move to get out of the car. Instead Andrew calmly lit a cigarette and offered one to me. I inhaled the thing in minutes, fingers twitching in my lap.

"What's it like?" I blurted out, no preamble and not beating around the bushes. That wasn't us.

Andrew shrugged. "Doesn't hurt as much as you think. They'll clean you up and stitch your head"

I appreciated the truth.

Andrew's never been one to sugarcoat things and if there's one thing I could always count on was him saying the truth. That night wasn't the exception.

“I think I’ll skip practice tomorrow”

Andrew let out a puff of smoke. “Isn’t that the smartest thing you’ve ever said”

There was no inflexion in his voice, no tone to suggest anything other than boredom for him. I smiled. “You don’t have to, though. We can go back after”

The silence that followed felt more charged than his words. “125% Josten”

I sighed.

It was close to 2:00 in the morning when we made our way into the emergency room.

I was trying really hard not to think about the last time Andrew set foot in that place but if being there was affecting him at all, he didn't let it show. On the contrary, his stride was confident and purposeful when he guided us to the reception desk.

They told us we had to wait.

I gave the nurse my personal information and a loose explanation of what had happened. We waited for almost an hour.

I was exhausted and, also, weirdly hungry but there was nothing I could do about it.

By the time they called my name, I was half asleep in the waiting room seat.

Andrew followed me into one of triage rooms and nobody stopped him.

"Change into this and wait for the doctor to come see you" the nurse said before leaving.

I eyed the gown with distaste.

"Need help?" Andrew asked and not for the first time I was hit with a wave of embarrassment.

"I'm fine"

Andrew hummed, clearly unimpressed, and turned around to give me some privacy.

After I changed, I felt naked without my armbands. In fact, I felt pretty much naked all over with how short and thin the gown was. I don't think I've ever been selfconscious around Andrew. Maybe at first, when we didn't know each other and my hair wasn't auburn and my eyes weren't blue. But if there's someone who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, it's him. That night, though, I was nervous and fidgety and when I was done changing and he turned back around, I wanted to put my hands anywhere but there, in my lap, on full display, because Andrew's eyes zeroed in on the bruises on my wrists, and the slight tightening of his lips spoke volumes of his thoughts.

I blushed and started playing with the hem of the fabric.

I waited on the examination gurney, Andrew standing next to me, until the door opened and a doctor in a pristine white coat made her way in. I was also guiltly relieved that it was a woman.

"Okay... let's see what we have here. It's Neil, isn't it?" she said, stepping closer to the gurney while eyeing the chart in her hands. She sounded way too cheerful for a person working shifts in the middle of the night and I figured she had to be hyped on caffeine.

I nodded when she looked back at me. "My name is Veronica, I'll be taking care of you today. And who do we have here?"

"Andrew" I offered when it was clear he wouldn't be the one answering.

To me, there was no other explanation needed. The woman thought differently.

"I'm sure they must have told you this already but unless you're a family member, I'm afraid you'll have to go back—"

"I'm his boyfriend"

My head whipped around so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. I stared at him in shock.

Sure, we're both used to that word by now, having accepted long ago that what we have is actually a thing, but that night was the first time I ever heard him acknowledge it in so many words.

_I'm his boyfriend._

_My boyfriend._

"Neil"

I quickly looked away. I'm pretty sure I looked dumbstruck, but the doctor seemed delighted with the idea. "Oh! Then I'm sure we can make an exception, don't you think honey?"

I only gave her a shrug. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Andrew staring at the woman. I got the feeling he didn't like her very much.

"So" she began again, putting on a pair of surgical gloves. "Mind telling me what brought you here tonight? I can already see the nasty bump in the head. Anything else we should worry about?"

I had to clear my throat several times before finding my voice and when I did, it went back to being that pathetic unsure sound. "I-I was jumped. They had a rebar. M-my back hurts" I pointedly did not look at Andrew. Save for the head and wrists, I hadn't really shown him any of my wounds yet and I wasn't looking forward to it.

"Then why don't you remove the top part of your gown and we take a look, yeah?"

That's when I regretted chosing the hospital instead of Abby. At least Abby knew about my scars and wouldn't stare akwardly at them, not like the doctor, who couldn't hide the slack of her jaw when I hesitantly pulled the gown down and every jagged line on my body came into view. The woman stared blatantly in horror for a moment before her eyes flickered briefly to Andrew, who was, of course, unfazed by the whole thing. Then she did a doble take of the scars in my face as if seeing them for the first time. I didn't like the look on her face before she plastered a grin back on it and her voice turned even more cheerful. Her tone felt forced to me this time.

"Alright honey, let's get to work"

And she did.

She asked questions about pain level, prodded the painful bruises on my back, checked that my ribs weren't broken and tested the range of mobility in my arms.

She saved the stitches in my forehead for last.

The procedure wasn't any fun, but it was hardly the first time a needle stitched my skin closed. At least this time I had some anesthesia beforehand.

"Alright! That seems to be it. You do have a mild concussion but time and rest will take care of it. Anything else we should worry about?" at my silence, the woman removed her gloves and scribbled something in my chart.

Andrew sent a pointed look my way and I stared back, unable to look away. I didn't want to do this. I didn't know how to do this, but the window was rapidly closing and if I didn't say it then, I knew I'd never bring myself to do so later.

I cleared my throat.

"There's something... Well, there's... I-I—" the woman looked expectantly at me. My chest tightened and I couldn't breathe. Everyone always says Neil Josten has a way with words. Well, like I said, that night I didn't feel much like a Neil, so when the words eluded me and I felt the panic take a hold of me, I did the only thing I could. I focused on Andrew.

I shook my head at him, bringing a hand to my throat. I couldn't say it. He understood.

I was expecting it, and still his blunt statement rattled my very being. "He was raped"

Silence.

Images and flashes.

The concrete ground was under my skin, my chest felt compressed by the weight of someone above me. I wanted to burn the images away.

"Neil"

I wanted to _scratch_ the touches away.

I didn't want to be nothing again!

" _Neil_ "

Hazel eyes. Unwavering. Hard.

Yes, I was Neil. I was Neil and I wasn't alone.

A high voice pulled my focus away from Andrew. "Oh honey. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything sooner? We wouldn't have left you waiting so long out there”

I dropped my gaze and readjusted the gown over my body with clumpsy fingers.

The woman ducked her head to search for my eyes. Her tone gentled and I hated the sound. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“What he said”

“I know, honey, but I need to know a few more things in order to help you. You should consider reporting this to the police” the word elicited an instinctive reaction and I leaned farther away from the woman while she continued to talk. “In that case I’ll need to take samples—”

“No”

“Excuse me?”

“No police, no samples”

“But—”

“Just clean it up so I can go home”

The doctor looked reluctantly between me and Andrew. "Are you—?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I showered anyway, so no samples”

“Oh honey. Honey, no. You shouldn’t have done that” I saw Andrew shift next to me and cross his arms over his chest. The muscles of his arms were taut, like he was making an effort to keep them that way. I frowned slightly.

I turned to the woman. “I wouldn’t walk around with all _that_ inside me”

“But now collecting evidence is going to be almost impossible” she tsked and continued. “It’s a common issue with rape victims, you know? The water washes down any hair left on the body, and the semen. That's why you should never shower right after it happens. You should've come here first. You should've—”

“He gets it” Andrew growled and his tone made me release the gasp I’d been holding.

While the woman had been talking, I hadn’t noticed my body folding in on itself or the way my hands trembled where they latched into the gurney. She sent another hard glance at Andrew and that was enough to help me break out of the self-recriminatory spell the doctor’s words had put me in. I decided I didn’t like the woman either.

She turned back to me. “I’ll try to collect what I can but—”

“I said no samples. I’m not going to the police” I was glad my voice had somewhat gone back to normal.

The woman seemed about to argue and I was ready to jump down from the gurney and storm my way out of the place when her expression softened and her demeanor changed. She went back to her cheerful self. “Alright honey, we’ll just make sure there’s no damage, okay?”

Andrew’s sharp words sounded again. “He needs to get tested”

“Of course. It’s all part of the process. But I'm afraid you’ll have to wait outside for the rest of the visit”

“He can stay” I blurted out, but then quickly jerked my head towards him. "I mean, if you want to stay. You don’t have to, but you can. If you want. If you don't want, that's okay"

“He can’t" the woman answered for him. "In cases like this it’s hospital policy to do the procedure privately”

“But—”

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back in the waiting room. The sooner we get started, the sooner it gets done, yeah?”

I looked at Andrew's deceptively calm demeanor but what I saw there wasn't reassuring. He was angry, on edge. He was also very good at controling himself. "I’ll be right outside” he told me with an even voice.

I nodded.

“I’ll walk you out. I need to get the supplies anyway”

When I was left alone, I noticed the buzzing in my brain.

Watching Andrew's back as he walked out of the room left me feeling vulnerable all over again. My words were gone, my identity was gone, and now my last layer of defense was also gone, living me raw and exposed. I hated it.

I also hated myself in that moment because how selfish was I to expect Andrew to sit through something like that? He'd lived through it enough times already and there I was, asking him to do it again.

I never should've told him anything in the first place.

I was just about to grab my clothes and bolt out of there when Veronica came back and I missed my chance to run.

She clapped her hands together.

"Alright honey, now we can speak more privately" at the time I didn't understand what she meant. "Is he always like that?"

"Andrew? Like what?"

"Authoritative"

I shrugged. "He's straightforward" and I liked that about him.

"How long have you been together?"

"Does it matter?" I didn't care how rude I might have sounded. My relationship with Andrew was nobody's business.

"Oh, I'm just curious, that's all. Now, why don't you lay down so I can examine you?"

All I remember about the next hour was the struggle to get my breathing under control. I don't even remember how high up I counted in english, german and french, but by the time the woman was done, I felt like I'd run three miles in five seconds. Andrew had been right, it wasn't about the pain, it was the humiliation of having to let a stranger stick things in there again and not. move. at all.

"I'd like to get you started on a few rounds of antibiotics" her voice startled me and when I could finally close my legs, they were trembling slightly. "There's some significative tearing of the skin and it's better to prevent an infection. So we'll start an I.V. and then I'll take a blood sample for testing. How do you feel Neil? I know this can be quite overwhelming"

Right. She knew.

"Fine. Can Andrew come back now?"

"Not yet honey" the way she looked at me then, with pity in her eyes made me wonder if I really looked that weak.

I've never minded needles much, not when there were other sharper and bigger objects to worry about growing up, but being attatched to the I.V. pole made me feel trapped. It also felt like a sentence hanging over my head when she drew the blood vials. What if those men had given me something? What then?

"We should have the results of some of these pretty soon"

"How long is this gonna take?" I asked, signaling the bag of antibiotics.

"Another half hour, maybe. That'll give us enough time to talk, don't you think?" I shrugged. I had nothing else to talk about with that woman. "Are you sexually active with Andrew, Neil?"

I'd been laying back into the raised gurney but the question had me sitting up straight again. "What's it matter?"

"It matters because you two are gonna have to be a bit careful for the time being. I actually recomend you don't engage in any intercourse for a while. You think that's gonna be a problem for him? Because if it is, then we can hel—"

"It won't" I gritted between clenched teeth. This woman didn't have a clue about us. She looked at me again with that emotion in her eyes. Pity.

"Honey, you're in a safe place right now so you can speak honestly about anything. Tell me, is Andrew the reason you don't want to go to the police?”

My head did a doble spin then. "No. Why the hell would you think that?"

"I'm sorry sweety, I'm just trying to fit the puzzle together"

"What puzzle? There's no puzzle"

"It's just, it seemed to me earlier like you needed his permission to get treated and that's not very healthy in a relationship, you know?" she sounded so worried, so _sure_...

"I-I didn't- that's not—"

"Honey, did Andrew assault you?"

"What?!"

The woman had lost her mind, I was sure. Her accusation made a wave of anger— no, something hotter than anger burn through me. That Andrew assaulted me? The world would end before something like that ever crossed Andrew's mind!

She must have mistaken my shortness of breath with something else, when in reality I was shaking with the effort of not killing the woman right then. To even suggest such a thing was-was… outrageous!

"You don't have to be afraid Neil. We're here to protect you and help you find your way out of an abusive relationship" I sat up straighter and swung my legs over the side of the gurney.

"Are you fucking crazy?"

"Maybe you haven't realized you're in an unhealthy relationship yet, but—"

"Shut up!" I yelled, making sure the gown was secure enough around my body before standing up on my feet. "You've no idea what you're talking about"

Her eyes went impossibly softer. "You can't deny the scars sweety"

My scars. The scars Andrew had spent hours carresing to kiss the bad memories into oblivion. The scars that made him recognize it was me when the memories threatening to overtake our moments together were his. The scars he still traces every night before bed to make sure I'm real.

"He… _he didn't do these to me_ "

"You don't have to keep protecting him. I think it's pretty clear what he's been doing"

"I am not protecting him! Andrew's never hurt me. My father did this to me"

"Oh" Yeah, _oh!_ Had she finally understood? I've encountered my fair share of sheer stupidity before, but the way that woman kept trying to push her truth over mine was something else. "Well, it isn't uncommon for children from abusive parents to find themselves in abusive relationships later on"

"Andrew isn't abusive!" I took a threatening step towards her and was dangerously close to ripping out the I.V.

"Maybe you don't think so now but honey, as agressive as sex can sometimes be, it should never lead to injuries like yours"

"You're not fucking listening to me! Andrew didn't _do anything_. It was two guys in a parking lot. I don't know who they were but it sure as fuck wasn't him!"

All my shouting had caught the attention of the other people working in the E.R. that night and a couple of nurses made their way inside. "Honey, calm down"

"What's going on here?" one of them asked and I couldn't help but feel cornered with the sudden appearance of the male nurses.

"Where's Andrew?" I asked because I was damn ready to find him and hightail it out of there.

"Don't worry, security will make sure he doesn't come near you while you're here"

"Goddamnit!" this stupid people were turning everything into a freaking nightmare. Andrew's never been good at dealing with authority and if there were guards trying to keep him away from me, then a shitload of trouble was ensured. "I have to go to him"

I was definitely at the end of my rope by then, because I forgot about the I.V. and I forgot I was wearing a hospital gown. All I wanted was to get to Andrew and avoid the situation to escalate any further. So I moved towards the door but one of the nurses stupidly got in my way. He grabbed for my shoulder.

"Don't touch me!"

"Neil, honey, you need to calm down. This isn't helping anybody"

"You can't keep me here" I spat, the woman's voice long ago grating my nerves the wrong way.

"We shouldn't let you out in this state. You need to calm down first"

The other nurse took a step closer to me and I reflexively took one back. "I'll fucking calm down when I get back to Andrew"

"Honey, this is the kind of unhealthy behavior—"

"Argh!" I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't about to keep listening to this crazy woman talking trash about Andrew and pretending she knew what my relationship with him was like. She had no fucking clue.

So I yanked the I.V. out and I lunged for the door. All I could think about at the moment was that there were people trying to keep me somewhere I didn't want to be and the oppressive feeling combined with the pain from my injuries and the exhaustion on my mind, made me lose it completely. When the nurse made a move to stop me again, I didn't see the hospital room. I saw a basement, and a parking lot. I saw Lola and my father. I saw fucking Riko. I saw the men holding me down against my will while they pounded and pounded and pounded.

I hit him. Whoever was in front of me, I hit him and made another dash for the door. But fuck my luck because I was weak and dissoriented and then there were hands all over me again, constricting, inmovilizing.

"Honey, honey please. Stop fighting. We'll have to sedate you"

My mind was unreachable. _They got me. They'll kill me. They'll have me._

"We can't have you hurting yourself or anyone else. Neil, please"

"Let me get back to him" I growled in a moment of surprising clarity. The woman sighed.

"I'm so sorry honey"

I remember trashing around in the arms holding me a little bit more until I felt a prick in my arm and things got blurry.

All I could think in that moment was how royally screwed everything was and how much I wished I had listened to myself earlier and just ran when I still had the chance. It was too late then and as my body sagged and my vision blackened, the image of Andrew in a similar situation but at the other side of that door followed me into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honey? HONEY? I swear that by the end of the chapter I could hear the woman’s voice in my head and I hated her almost as much as Neil did. And how dare she accuse Andrew of hurting Neil?
> 
> I’m trying to gather the courage to dive into Andrew’s PoV but I have to admit the task scares me. He’s such a complex character. But don’t worry, his side of the story is coming. For now though, let’s stick with Neil telling us what happens in this story.


	3. He’s got me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to update but chapter 3 it’s finally here! I wanted to thank you so much for all your kudos and comments. You sure know how to make a person feel appreciated and I needed that this week.
> 
> I hope you like this chapter and can I just say, again, that Andrew is the freaking hardest character to write? Boy is he giving me a headache with this fic...
> 
> Anyway... read on!

I came back to it rather abruptbly. There was no waking up in stages or slow drag back from unconsciousness. It felt like one moment I was sleeping and the next I was rubbing the blurriness out of my eyes.

I don't remember what I was expecting to find in the room. Maybe a nurse standing guard over the bed making sure I couldn't go anywhere, or that doctor looming over me with her sharp tools and even sharper words. I think I may have also half expected my wrist to be handcuffed to the bed. But I was equal parts pleased and surprised to see a familiar face inside the room.

"Abby"

"Hi, Neil"

Our team nurse was sitting on a chair by the foot of the bed and she put away her phone to focus her kind eyes on me.

"What are you doing here?"

"Andrew called us. He said—"

"Where's Andrew?" even if my body felt tired, my mind was not and I remembered everything that happened before I was sedated. The thought of Andrew having to call for reinforcements not at all helping dissipate the image of him being held back against his will because he wasn't allowed to see me.

"He's with David. He's alright"

I wanted to disagree with her because none of it was alright, not Andrew being accused of abuse, not Andrew being kicked out of the hospital, not Andrew having to relive all of his traumas because someone had decided to fuck me up even more than I already was, literally. Absolutely nothing was alright.

"Are they here?"

"They're waiting by the cars"

"Let's go then"

I was ready to throw the blanket aside but then I noticed I was still hooked to the i.v. and Abby held up her hands in a placating manner.

"Not so fast Neil. You have to go through discharge first"

"I'm not talking to that doctor again. And they better get me off of this thing or I'll rip it off" I couldn't be sure they weren't giving me more sedatives along with the antibiotics and I was not about to spend another minute unconscious in that place.

"I'll call someone right now"

"Abby, that doctor..." I said with venom in my voice when she stood up and headed for the door.

"Don't worry. I already had a few words with her myself. She's not in charge of your care anymore"

"Did they tell you what happened?"

"Yes"

"Then you know...?"

"Yes, I know" I could hear the faint sounds of the E.R. coming in through the half opened door where my eyes had also landed because I was unable to look at her in the eyes anymore. "I'll be right back"

They didn't give me much time alone with my thoughts, which was okay, because I didn't want to be alone with all the images running around in my head. But the problem was I didn't want to be around people either, so that left a pretty much invisible line of existence in which I found myself at, and it was not a pretty place to be stuck at.

I stared at the ceiling until the door opened again and Abby walked in followed by a doctor I hadn't seen before. Thankfully, the man looked tired enough to not drag the conversation with pleasantries. This doctor was all business.

"Neil, I brought your discharge papers but I'd like to go over your aftercare before we send you on your way. I also have the results from your blood test"

I was glad I wasn't hooked to a heart monitor because the thing might have just short circuited with how high my heart rate was after hearing those words.

I couldn't help but expect the worst case scenario, considering it was me, and that meant thinking I had caught something from those men. While the doctor went over the papers I'd just noticed in his hands, my mind raced with unadulterated fear because despite everything that had ever happened to me, I'd never had to worry about getting a desease, and an STD no less! And if I had, I knew I'd never bring myself to touch Andrew again, or let him touch me. I would never put him in danger like that. I knew the moment the doctor let out the words, whatever I had with Andrew was a good as gone. And the worst part was that I would have to be the one that ended it. I just couldn't risk his life like that.

"Everything came back negative"

My lungs deflated and my vision swam.

I slumped back into the gurney and ran a hand over my face.

"There's a few results left that take a couple of days to be ready, but you should have them mailed to you within the week. I also recommend another follow up test in a few weeks just to be on the sure side if things but for now I'd say you're in the clear"

I nodded curtly and focused back on the ceiling.

"Now, about your aftercare..."

I tuned him out after that.

Don't get me wrong, I was relieved to be out of the inmediate woods but the man's words hadn't been entirely reassuring. Something could still be wrong, something could still be worming its way into my system to screw with my life even more. Nothing was set in stone and I could still lose Andrew because of that.

“Neil? Neil, are you listening?” the doctor’s voice snapped me into the conversation again. “About your concussion, you—”

“I’ve had concussions before”

The man exchanged a look with Abby, as if he wasn’t sure I was in the right state of mind to remember all his instructions, which I wasn’t, but he didn’t need to know that, right?

Of course Abby was kind enough to tell him to mind his own business and leave me alone. Not in so many words, but still. “He does know how to care for head wounds, and for the rest of it, he’s got me”

This time my lack of answer had nothing to do with my brave yet unsuccessful attempt at apathy or my wandering brain spacing out again. Instead, Abby’s words ecchoed in my mind. _He’s got me._

_He’s got me._

_I have her._

"Very well, then you can go as soon as you change. Take it easy Neil, you'll need your rest"

Before he left he removed the i.v. from my arm and I felt like he'd given me my freedom back, at least some of it. When I changed back into my own clothes with Abby's help because, okay, after laying down for a few hours the bruises on my back hurt like hell, another piece of freedom settled in its place. Now I just needed to find the rest of the puzzle.

Eventually we made it out of the hospital. I wasn't sure what time it was but it had to be sometime around 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. The dark sky still loomed above the parking lot and I had to supress a shudder. I looked for the Maserati.

I remember thinking about the unfairness of having to make Andrew wait outside the hospital, disregarded by everyone just because he wasn't all rays and sunshine. Since when did people start being automatically accused of abuse for having a stern personality? Didn't they know that my father was charming with everyone except me and my mother? Didn't they know that Riko, Exy king extraordinare, had been a sadistic piece of shit behind cameras? And to think that Andrew's had to deal with stuff like that for years, even from his own teammates when they used to call him a monster, it just made every ounce of blood boil in my veins. It still does.

Abby and I got close enough to the spot the Maserati had been parked in and finally, _finally_ , hazel eyes stared back at me from the end of the row. Angry hazel eyes.

I quickened my pace, just one step short of running and perched myself as close to him as I could without any part of our bodies touching. If the move seemed desperate, I couldn’t care less at the moment.

Andrew leaned away from the car and studied me, running his eyes over my body in search of new injuries, I suppose. He didn’t offer a word.

"I'm fi—"

"Shut up"

"I'm sorr—"

" _Neil_ "

"Right. Okay. Yeah"

I ran a nervous hand through my messy hair. Then movement to my right caught my attention and that's when I noticed Wymack. How I'd passed right by him on my way to Andrew was beyond me.

I was startled enough to do two things I'd sworn myself I'd never do again. One, flinch away from Wymack. The man couldn't have been less of a threat to any of his foxes even if he tried. And two, I took a step behind Andrew, hiding, letting him fight my battles for me again.

That, more than anything, brought a wave of shame to my cheeks and I looked down, still unable to get out from behind Andrew. He didn't seem to mind though, and neither did Wymack.

Coach cleared his throat and waited until I made eye contact again before speaking. "Andrew called me when they threatened him with the police if he didn't back down from seeing you" I glanced briefly at Andrew, worry for him making my stomach roll, but he was staring at Wymack with no emotion showing in his face. I focussed back on the man. "Hospital had to tell us why you were here because we're responsible for you as long as you are a fox. I don't know how this shit is supposed to work but we're here to support you. We also won't tell the others. That's your business"

Abby looked a bit contrite about the way he was delivering his message, but Coach has never been one for subtlety or nice comforting words. I appreciate that about him. Either way, I only managed a nod in return.

After what felt like hours, Andrew finally spoke, his voice firm and unwavering. "We're staying in Columbia, he won't be at practice tomorrow"

A curt nod from Wymack.

"You can both skip morning practice and Neil can have the rest of the day off. You," he added looking straight at Andrew "will be back for afternoon practice. Is that clear?"

Andrew didn't say anything, which was his way of agreeing to Wymack's terms. Whenever the two of them were concerned, unless Andrew openly refuted an order, a silent answer meant he was willing to roll with Wymack’s decisions. That's how much he respected him even if to this day he keeps denying it.

"Right" Wymack stated and walked back closer to Abby so they could make their way back home. Andrew also started for the driver's seat of the Maserati. Abby sent me an encouraging smile and that’s when I remembered what she'd said in the examination room. _He's got me_.

Suddenly, I got the unbelievable urge to justify myself to her. To her and Wymack. They had been the first people to ever stick up for me when the identity of Neil Josten made it to Palmetto. The man had offered me his home, a contract and my sport. Abby had accepted my scars and attitude and still offered her concern and help whenever she could.

They were the only adults I could ever rely on and I'd completely disregarded their existence when met with another problematic situation. I'd fucked up.

"It was stupid!" I blurted out, making both Abby and Wymack stop and turn around to stare at me. Andrew had also stopped midway into the car but I couldn't see the look on his face. "It was stupid, coming here. I should've just gone to you" I finished looking at her.

Andrew let out an annoyed tsk that I should've paid more attention to because it hadn't been the first one of the night, or early morning at this point, but I couldn't be bothered to take my eyes off the pair a few steps ahead of us.

Abby's eyes went impossibly soft and still they held no pity in them. Only understanding, always understanding.

When she opened her mouth to reply, my heart caught in my throat.

"No Neil," she said softly, a kind smile also making an appearance. "You needed help and you went looking for it. I think that was very brave of you" more erratical heart beats. My next breath got stuck in my lungs. "I understand why you didn't want to go to me, but I'm here for you and if you want I can take care of your follow up appointments. If not, we can find someone else you feel comfortable with. But don't feel bad about coming here. You made the choice to come and that alone is brave enough to be proud of. Don't forget that"

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't even want to think about the meaning of her words. To me, the night hadn't been more than one bad decision right after another and none of them felt like something to be proud of.

I nodded at her but none of us moved until Andrew called my name again and I was prompted into the car.

Sitting down still hurt enough to make the ride to the Columbia house a trip through hell and despite having spent the last hour or so sedated like the dead, I was tired and my eyes dropped in the few minutes it took to get there.

Andrew didn't touch me to shake me awake when we arrived. He merely repeated my name a few times until awareness came back and the sight of the house greeted me. Comforting, dependable, familiar. Andrew's.

I trailed after him and soon found myself standing near the kitchen island, not sure what I was supposed to do next.

Andrew turned on all the lights of the house.

"Food?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Water?"

Another shake.

"A smoke?"

That's when I realized Andrew wasn't just angry. He was absolutely livid.

Andrew's never been a man of many words. He used to be, when he was high on medication that made him see the world through a manic filter. But after he'd been taken off of them, he didn't waste his words, didn't flourish his speech or leave anything for interpretation. He was direct and to the point. But he usually spoke in whole sentences, except when he was angry or upset. That night he'd been comunicating mostly through single word statements.

"Neil"

And most of those statements had just been my name.

It was like he knew I needed a reminder of who I was or maybe he was incapable of letting go of the only thing that made me real at the moment. My name. Neil Josten. Because everything else had just been stripped out of me. Every layer of confidence I'd spent the last two years building, every layer of trust and shed fears. Everthing was gone and only a name on a paper, on a signed legal document, could tether me to the person I'd spent so much effort building inside me. I was—

" _Neil_ "

Fuck, I was sure spacing out a lot that night.

"What?"

"Do you want a cigarette?" he enunciated every word as if he'd been talking to a child. For all intents and purposes, I felt like one, so I couldn't blame him.

I nodded.

He stepped out into the backyard and lit two cigarettes, passing one to me when I joined him a few seconds later.

"You have a right to be angry" I said before taking a long drag of the cigarette. I was glad my voice sounded normal, neither hesitant nor weak as it had sounded all night.

His voice was as unwavering as ever. "I don't feel anything"

"They thought you did this to me"

"I don't care what they think"

I rolled the cigarette between my fingers while I studied Andrew's profile. He sounded calm, he looked unaffected but there was still something giving him that dangerous vibe, like he could pull out a knife and stab you in the gut at any second. He looked like a snake poised to attack. I really don't know why I thought it was a good idea to poke the serpent right then.

"Did you mean it? What you said about being my boyfriend?"

The change was subtle but it was there, the stiffening of his shoulders, the halted breath when he’d been in the middle of a drag from the cigarette, a cigarette that got dangerously squeezed between his fingers.

For a moment there, I thought he wouldn't even answer, that he'd stand up and storm back into the house. But then his body unlocked and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

"I thought I told you not to ask stupid questions"

Without meaning to, my heart soared. I'd avoided thinking about his spontaneous confession back at the hospital because I thought he'd only said it so he'd be able to stay in the room with me. But he didn't seem inclined to deny it after I asked. Was he mad for being forced into such a confession?

"You can take it back if you want to. I... I wouldn't mind. I understand" he didn't so much as look at me, just continued to smoke in silence. "I'm also not mad about you calling Wymack, just in case you were worried about that"

"I wasn't"

Right. I knew his foul mood was completely justified after what happened to me, that his anger could just have to do with the act itself, the— the rape, and the memories it brought for him. But blame it on my concussed brain, because I couldn't help but feeling particularly guilty about Andrew having a hard time that night. I also couldn’t help feeling drowned in sudden insecurities. "Why are you mad at me then?"

Finally that got a reaction. Andrew turned his head to stare at me with fire in his eyes and I was sure this time I'd really managed to piss him off. For the first time ever, I saw him struggling to find the right words to talk.

"They _drugged_ you, practically kidnapped you" he said before turning to stare straight ahead again, "And she made you feel guilty. I'm not fucking mad at you. I'm not anything _at_ you"

 _Oh_. He wasn't mad at me. He wasn't _anything_. That meant he didn't feel pity or anger at me, he wasn't disgusted or repulsed by me. Did that mean he felt no different towards me than he felt the day before? _This doesn't change anything_. His words.

"Good" I answered.

But things had already changed, hadn't they?

_I'm his boyfriend._

Andrew had admitted that much at the hospital and then at the house. If he didn't feel any different because of what had happened to me, did that mean he felt that way towards me before?

My headache spiked again after that. Andrew noticed because I brought a hand to massage my forehead, mindful of the stitches pulling with the movement. My brain wasn’t either awake or healthy enough that night to be pondering such delicate questions.

“I’ll sleep in Nicky’s room tonight if you don’t mind” I wasn’t particularly keen on invading Nicky’s private sanctuary as he likes to call it, but the couch would be hell on my sore back and I would die first than have to crash on Aaron’s bed. I knew Andrew’s room would be out of the question for a while.

“You can sleep wherever you want”

To anyone else the answer might have seemed dismissive, maybe even rude, but I understood the meaning behind it. He was telling me I could sleep in his bed too if I wanted.

I really wanted to, but I wasn’t sure that’d be such a good idea for either of us.

“I’ll sleep in Nicky’s. We have to leave around noon. You shouldn’t miss afternoon practice”

This time the wave of his hand was indeed dismissive and I crushed my unfinished cigarette to the ground.

I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do then. Normally I would ask permission to kiss him and then we’d spend a few minutes making out before going to bed, but would Andrew want to kiss at all? Would I?

“Andrew?” when his eyes landed on me, I let out the first genuine smile of the night. “Thank you”

He rolled his eyes and took a final drag of his cigarette. “Go to sleep”

I walked into Nicky’s room a minute later. It’d barely been half a day since the whole group had been there, wrapping up a good weekend of clubbing and then lazy activities around the house, and the evidence of Nicky’s presence was still there in the form of a few astray clothes around the room. The place was all Nicky and I hoped he wouldn’t mind me stealing it for a few hours.

My hand hovered over the doorknob for a minute, but I decided against locking the door behind me. I was safe inside that house. I was safe with Andrew in the other room.

By the time I finally laid down on the bed, the first vestiges of morning were making their way through the window. That night had been so freaking long it was a miracle my eyes were still opened.

But open they were, because I’d caught sight of a framed photo on Nicky’s nightstand that I couldn’t tear my eyes off. It was a picture of the foxes, one taken a random day after practice where everyone was equal parts exhausted and excited to be done for the day. I remember that day particularly well because I also had a copy of that photo in my phone.

How was I supposed to face the team after that night? I didn’t want to go back to being a burden for them and I didn’t want to worry them more than they probably already were.

They’d had to deal with so much because of me the year before that the mere thought of them finding out made a brick settle at the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want them to know.

That night I fell asleep thinking I could trick everyone, even myself, into thinking I was alright. That what happened to me was just one more incident in a life filled with terrible circumstances and bad luck.

I was fine and I was going to make sure everyone believed I was fine too.

I’ve also never been as wrong in my life as I was that night, but I was in denial and it wouldn’t be until later that week that reality came crushing down on me again, leaving not even Andrew capable of handling the fallout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter wasn’t as intense as the first two, but worry not, angst is coming your way pretty soon.   
> Also... plot. This story has a plot but we’ll get into it later on. For now: feelings, and characters, and relationships, and dealing with what happened to Neil. Not that Neil is looking to deal with it. Apparently he’s gonna try and pretend nothing even happened and that doesn’t bode well for him.  
> He’s an idiot, but I love him (and so does Andrew!)
> 
> So, any thoughts? Ideas, requests? I’m open to suggestions people :)


	4. Fan-fucking-tastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I am the absolute worst. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to update this story. I got stuck trying to figure out how to write something from Andrew’s PoV and it was so hard that I decided not to write his perspective with a first person PoV. I’ll keep writing Neil’s in the first person though because I kind of like the way he tells the story.
> 
> I know the chapter is short but hopefully good enough? Let me know with a comment!

Andrew was anxious and angry. Now that Neil had been out of sight for a while he felt more rattled than he'd let himself be during the past five hours of his life. And he was also really fucking tired of pacing around the backyard with an almost painfully tight grip on his phone.

Call Bee.

Don't call Bee.

 _Call_ Bee.

He couldn't make up his mind.

He also couldn't stop thinking about all the things, painful things, he'd like to do to those who'd dared hurt his... Neil. His Neil. And fuck Neil for being so important to him that he couldn't just brush this off. Neil had been raped. His boyf— okay, his _boyfriend_ , had been _raped_ and Andrew's knives were itching to cut some throats and maybe some other parts of the human anatomy and maybe also—

_"Andrew?"_

Huh. So he'd ended up calling Bee after all. The fact he'd spaced out enough to do so without remembering was surely worrisome. He didn't care.

"Bee" he answered back, though his voice was tight and hard, a far cry from Bee's sleep ridden voice.

" _Andrew, it's 6:00 a.m. Is everything alright?"_

Everything should be fine. Everything was supposed to be fine because he just shouldn't care. So, was it? Was it?!

"No"

He could hear Bee getting up from the bed and making her way either to the kitchen or her home office, the sounds of her turning up lights as she went were enough confirmation of that.

He heard the fridge door opening and so he was able to picture her on the kitchen from the few times he'd needed to do a session at her place instead of the helth center at PSU.

" _Okay, I'm awake now. Can you tell me what happened? Was it a nightmare?"_

"I don't want to talk about it"

Still, after three years of knowing her, he was half expecting her answer to be something along the lines of ' _If you don't want to talk about it then why did you call?'._ But she was never like the other shrinks that had tried to poke their way around his mind since juvie. In fact, Bee was not like anyone else in the whole world, which was why he was still going to see her every week despite his mandatory evaluation sessions being long over. It was why he'd called today after all. Her gentle tone managed to put him at ease, if only a little bit.

" _That's fine, we don't have to discuss it right now"_ no one said she wasn't a little clever devil though. " _Are you able to pinpoint what's rattled you at least?"_

"Yes" Andrew answered without hesitation. The problem wasn't identifying the source of his current state, the problem was needing a way to stay in control of his thoughts and emotions because out of everything that had ever happened to Neil, this is the thing he decides to break down for. This is the thing that made him cry of all things, and even though Andrew wanted to bitch and rant and cut people's limbs off, Neil needed him to be calm. Neil needed him, period.

Andrew hated him for it. And he hated himself for the fact he couldn't turn his back on him because: a) No one could mess with what was his, b) Andrew knew entirely too well what Neil must be going through right now, and c) Neil was his fucking boyfriend.

"... _ber to isolate the troubling emotion so you can take some distance and examine it"_ Bee's voice brought his attention back to the fact she was still talking and he ran a hand slowly through his hair half imagining and half not that it was another certain person's hand doing the surprisingly soothing gesture, something he'd only been able to admit to himself recently. Well, he was full of startling admitions lately. How disgusting.

Andrew went through a few breathing excercises Bee had taught him years ago to try and expel every anxious thought from his mind and after ten minutes of listening to her rambling, he was somewhat successful. "Bee?"

"... _and then remember to— yes, Andrew?"_

"I'm fine now"

Her sigh of relief was clear through the cellphone connection. " _Good, that's good. You think you can get some sleep now?"_

Andrew glanced into the house when movement from the kitchen caught his attention and he saw Neil wave at him from the counter where he was no doubtedly making some coffee. He took the phone away from his face briefly to look at the time and realized it was half past seven. Bee had been talking to him for almost two hours and Neil hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep to be up and about at this hour. He allowed himself the luxury to sigh into the conversation. "Not likely"

" _Well, make sure you do get some rest later today. You know sleep deprivation does not help keep unsettling thoughts at bay. Is Neil with you?"_

The sudden question brought another wave of anxiety to his now mostly calm demeanor. There was no way she knew what had happened, was there? Unless Abby or Coach told her in a misguided attempt to seek help for Neil. The stupid rabbit had never accepted her guidance before and Andrew was sure he wouldn't suddenly be open to counseling even after last night. He answered the question anyway.

"Yes"

" _Good_ " she was getting repetitive, he thought with a silent sneer but refrained from mocking her about it. " _Lean on him for help if you need to. You've come a long way Andrew, don't be afraid to ask your partner for help"_

Andrew almost snorted. If only Neil wasn't the source of the fucking problem.

"Goodbye, Bee"

" _Do you want me to check up on you later?"_

"Whatever" which wasn't a no _per se._

_"Alright. Get some rest"_

Andrew ended the call after that.

He didn't go back to the house right after. Instead, he took another five minutes to school his features even more, something he shouldn't be having such a difficult time with even though it was something he hadn't bothered to do so much around Neil anymore since the idiot had gotten obnoxiously good at deciphering him anyway.

He was going to have to work on that.

When he finally walked back into the house, Neil's eyes perked up at seeing him and the insufferable redhead sent him a small but apparently genuine smile.

"Hi" he said to which Andrew just grunted. "Coffee?"

He took a few seconds to examine Neil before nodding and sending him towards the cabinets to fish for a couple of mugs.

He was trying to hide the limp Andrew knew from experience was definitely still there and even though he'd expected as much, the idea bothered him. Was he trying to act normal for his sake? Did he really think that acting like it was just any other day would make anything better?

"You're being stupid" more than usual anyway, he wanted to add, but was content with staring at Neil's deceively confused face.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Was that the team?"

He busied himself with filling a mug with cream and sugar before sliding the mug towards Andrew, exactly as he would've done if it was any other morning. "Bee" he answered back.

"You didn't tell about..." Neil was even controling his voice enough to not sound interested in that particular question.

"No" Andrew deadpanned, wondering if Neil had reversed to hiding his true emotions from him or if he was actually over it so quickly. And what did that day about Andrew and his own inability to move on?

But no... there was no way.

"Are you okay then?" Neil asked, a small furrow of concern breaking the otherwise serene expresion.

 _Lean on him, trust your partner_. Bee's words were buzzing around in his head but he was not about to make another confession when the idiot rabbit had gone back to hiding himself from Andrew again. Well, two could play that game.

"Pancakes or waffles?" he asked instead.

"What?"

"For breakfast. Pancakes. Or waffles"

"We don't have any. We all finished them yesterday morning"

Well, that was fan-fucking-tastic. And he'd forgotten? "Whatever. We'll go out for breakfast. Are you up for it?"

"Umm, sure. But Andrew, did you even go to sleep?" the blond arched an accusing eyebrow.

"Did you?" because barely two hours surely couldn't be enough after everything he'd gone through the night before.

"I slept" and then Neil broke his self imposed yet hopefuly fake pretense of normalicy by averting his eyes for a second "I-uh I'm feeling better, just so you know"

Andrew considered him for a moment. He was big enough to admit that if he'd learned something from Bee at all, it was that such an admission implied not having felt great before and that that small step was progress in itself. He nodded in aknowledgement. He could live with that. "Good. Breakfast"

For now.

But Neil couldn't leave it at that. Oh no. He had to take a step forward and plant himself in front of him, close enough without touching, and tilt his head in a questioning manner. Andrew stared blankly at him.

"Andrew, yes or no?"

 _Just_...

"To what?"

... _like_.

"A kiss"

 _Every_.

 _Fucking_.

 _Morning_.

"No"

He wasn't sure he could trust Neil to be in the right state of mind to ask that. He couldn't even be entirely positive he was pretending everything was fine or if he actually was. He hated Neil in that moment more than anything for making him doubt his assesments and he'd never dare act on a maybe, on a false affirmative. On a doubtful one.

"Oh, okay" the stupid idiot didn't even falter with his reaction though. He shrugged slightly and motioned him to the door. "Let's go then"

The fucking limp was almost as good as gone.

Despite everything, or maybe because of everything, breakfast was a uneventful affair. They didn't talk and Andrew settled himself with stealing glances at Neil every few bites. He seemed fine. He really did, but the picture in front of him would look like the epitome of apparent perfection if it wasn't for the fact the idiot had failed to complain about—

"I hope Abby clears me for practice tomorrow"

And there it was: the devil-turned-sport-stickball. Andrew rolled his eyes.

"You're concussed" _and hiding a limp, and hurting inside, and you cried. Last night you cried._

"I'm fine now. I kind of regret telling Coach I couldn't practice today but I guess one day won't kill me" he said with a shrug. "And you will definitely practice this afternoon. I will not be the reason you miss another practice today"

Andrew decided it was best to ignore him, the fight that was sure to come if he replied to that comment was simply not worth it. He just focused on eating his breakfast and ignore the rest of Neil's rambling.

It was mid morning by the time they arrived back to the dorms. Andrew had timed it precisely so they wouldn't encounter any annoying foxes either in the hallways or the room. Neil needed time to figure out how he wanted to act around them and for some reason the pests felt incredibly overprotective of the idiot. In all fairness, Andrew couldn't really blame them, not when he was ten times worse, but he could make sure they behaved long enough for the rabbit to settle down.

He'd sobered up some on their way back to the Tower, but Andrew wasn't about to ask if he was alright when the answer would be an _I'm fine_ either way. Instead, he played along with Neil's pretense and set himself to do what he'd normally do on a monday morning when skipping class. Neil, the idiot that he was, pulled out some homework and began to work on it.

Andrew kept him silent company until it was time to face hurracaine Kevin when he stormed into the dorm demanding to know why they'd missed practice and what had happened the night before. They were in for a really long hour if they wanted to convince Kevin that everything was alright and Andrew wasn’t really looking forward to it.

Kevin’s foul mood and everyone else’s concern followed them into afternoon practice where Neil got snatched away by Abby and Andrew was left alone with the task of glaring at anyone who dared ask another question about Neil and the events of the night before. His glare was so dangerous not even Wymack made a comment about him trying to mutilate his teammates with his deflected shots. If he couldn’t keep an eye on Neil at the moment, he might as well take advantage of the drills to let out some of his restless energy. Maybe that way he’d manage to sleep and actually rest so Bee wouldn’t bother him about messing his sleep schedule, not that he cared what she said.

Not in the slightest.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Later that night Andrew woke up with a quiet start. His mind had been blessledly blank, with no nightmares plaguing his dreams for once, but movement from the bottom bunk had woken him in an instant.

Neil wasn't one to toss and turn often and even though he was an early riser, Andrew had learned to sleep past the small movements of Neil getting up from the bed before him to get an early start on the day. That night though, when a particularly hard motion rattled the whole bed frame, Andrew glanced down from his top bunk to see that the clock on the nightstand read 2:34 a.m. and Neil was holding himself rigidly at the edge of the bed. He didn't seem aware of the blond hovering above him and he was visibly trying to take deep breaths. He wasn't suceeding much.

"Neil" he said, voice stern to call his attention but low enough to not wake Kevin next to them, not that the other boy would wake easily. "What is it?"

Neil seemed startled for a moment and he shook his head without looking up. "Nothing"

Andrew rolled his eyes even though it was too dark for Neil to see and he wasn't even facing his way anyway. And Andrew wanted, he really wanted to just turn around, bury himself under the covers again and go back to sleep, but he'd spent all day getting used to the idea that he couldn't simply brush this off. Maybe if it was anyone else he'd be able to focus on his own troubled feelings, but this was Neil and, would anything had been different for Andrew if someone had been there when this had happened to him? If someone had even believed him?

Probably.

After some careful delibaration, Andrew threw the covers aside and jumped down to the floor. To his credit, Neil didn't flinch. Had Andrew become that predictable? He sat at the foot of Neil's bed, slowly and far away enough that he could be told away in an instant. He wasn't.

After his eyes adjusted to the dark, Andrew was able to see the way Neil was holding himself, with an arm wraped around his lower stomach and his face contorted in a grimace. Andrew hummed.

"I've been waiting all day for you to go to the bathroom"

Neil let out a broken laugh but he didn't say anything in return and that was all the confirmation Andrew needed. "You have to go eventually. Just get it done already"

"Right"

And in that moment it was so hard not to reach out and help Neil get up on his feet and shuffle his way to the bathroom. But he could understand wanting to deal with this on his own. He remembered it wasn't pretty holding it in until it was almost painful because letting it out was painful enough, but there was nothing either of them could do about it.

Andrew didn't wait for Neil to be done in the bathroom before climbing up back to his bed. He did count the minutes though, staring up at the ceiling until eventually Neil made his way back to the bunk and lowered himself carefully into it without sparing Andrew a single glance.

"Was there blood?" he asked, half his brain still mindful of keeping his voice down.

"Go back to sleep Andrew"

"Was there?"

A minute of silence. "No"

Neil moved, probably buring himself deeper into the mattress and Andrew hesitated before saying anything else. He didn't want to sound like all the people that had already managed to make Neil feel guilty about what happened to him, but he needed to make something clear in order to be able to help him. And he wanted to help. Andrew hadn't allowed himself the luxury of wanting anything for a really long time, not until Neil came into his life in a series of interesting lies and promises. But Andrew wanted to help Neil get through this so badly that he just couldn't let the moment pass by.

His resolve settled. "You've never been ashamed in front of me before" he said, willing his voice not to sound accusatory because that wasn't his goal at all. "Don't start now"

Andrew needed to make Neil understand that there was no need to hide his embarrassment, misplaced as it was, because Andrew had been there and he _knew_. He knew that running around in court was tiresome. He knew that going to sleep was like waving an invitation for nightmares and flashbacks to come haunt his dreams. And he knew that letting a fucking pile of shit go out the same place a scumbag had violated merely days before was painful and not at all something he could postpone indefinitely until all the injuries healed. But he also understood pride and shame, so he could only hope Neil got his message. If there was someone Neil didn't have to hide from, it was him.

But no matter what he said, when morning came Neil acted as if nothing had happened, just like he'd done the previous morning. In fact, he was giving everyone hell because they were about to be late for practice. The stupid idiot had been cleared by Abby while everyone else was at practice the day before though his instructions were not to overdue it and stop if he wasn't feeling up to it, which they all knew wouldn't happen voluntarily.

If Andrew hadn't known about it himself, he might have been fooled into thinking Neil was actually fine, that nothing else had happened beyond a bump in the head when he'd fallen while running. At least that's the bullshit excuse they'd fed the team about Neil's injuries. Thankfully, no one had asked about the tears. They either didn't dare mention them or they attributed them to the concussion.

Andrew supposed he should be thankful everyone was being careful not to ram into the idiot during morning practice, because despite his best efforts, he wasn't playing at a hundred percent and oh boy did it show. If they were doing it to avoid causing another injury or to avoid Andrew's wrath, well it didn't really matter, did it?

It was obvious Neil wasn't up to much of anything at the time, but the stubborn idiot wouldn't sit down another practice.

Another obvious thing? Neil wasn't sleeping.

It also didn't take a genious to know that Neil was keeping himself awake at night on purpose. Andrew didn't know Neil as someone who actively avoided nightmares. He didn't like them, of course, but he accepted them as part of his fucked up life and had never lost sleep on purpose because of them. That, more than anything, told Andrew how very much _not_ fine his boyfriend really was.

And there was that word again. Boyfriend. Boyfriend.

Stupid rabbit.

But when he'd finally decided to confront Neil about it on wednesday night, the idiot's answer almost made him want to push him off the roof for real.

"I have a concussion. It's dangerous to sleep"

"So you're concussed enough to need to stay awake but _fine_ when it comes to Exy?"

The redhead shrugged. "You know how it is"

What was that Bee had said about sleep depravation? Neil was definitely losing it.

Andrew just wouldn't know exactly how much until the next day, when a sealed envelope from the hospital made it's way into Neil's hand by passing through Jack, of all people Jack, first.

It was right before morning practice on Thursday when Jack had boldly walked to their door to wave the envelope in Neil's face.

"You got mail butchy-boy"

Andrew noticed the envelope was still sealed but that didn't stop Neil from lunging to take the paper from Jack's hands.

"You waiting on something important?" the suicidal pest asked, earning a snarl from Neil.

"Give it to me"

Andrew decided to intervene when he saw Neil's fist poised to attack. He calmly unsheated a knife from his armband and planted himself next to Neil on the threshold. "You better just give him the envelope, _Jacky-boy_ , or I'll have to spend the rest of the morning cleaning the hallway"

When Neil snatched the paper but gave Andrew, not Jack, the stinky eye, he knew he'd done something wrong.

Oh well, no regrets and all that, right? Jack ended up leaving a second after that without any blood making it out of his body. Neil dissapeared somewhere after that and he missed practice to everyone's astonishment and Kevin's outrage. Andrew didn't want to admit he was worried, but he _was_ worried about Neil missing practice and whatever information that envelop could hold.

As it was, Andrew didn't see Neil again until later that day when afternoon practice rolled around and everything Neil had been trying to hold together came crashing out in a fit of rage and screams.

It was during that practice that everything went to hell. And really, Andrew shouldn’t have been surprised that it was all Kevin’s fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the end of the chapter sound like a cliffhanger? Because it was totally meant to be one but I’m not sure I got it right...  
> So! Is everyone ready for what’s coming? Neil kind of hits bottom and Andrew has to deal with the consequences. And what’s that about Kevin being at fault for that? Stay tuned to find out!
> 
> Also, thank you all for your comments! You’re all so supportive and amazing! ♥️


	5. What the hell am I going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves for some drama! Beware the tags on this story for this chapter and the next one.  
> I know this chapter isn’t very long but at least it’s a quicker update than before. But worry not, next chapter has already been outlined :)

Andrew had been expecting some kind of breakdown from Neil for days now, but he'd imagined it would be the quiet type, something along the lines of smoking an entire packet of cigarrettes and maybe ranting for a good hour or two. Andrew had also imagined himself capable of handling the emotional scene by offering silent support and a steady source of cigarrettes.

But when Neil decided to do something out of the ordinary, he dedinitely didn't hold back, and the worst thing was, it wasn't even his fault. Nothing of what had happened to him had been his fault.

He hadn't spoken to Neil since his morning disappearing act and his boyfriend hadn't even spared him a glance either at the lobby, the locker rooms or the court. Did that mean what Andrew feared it meant? That his boyfriend had contracted a desease from the fuckers who assaulted him?

As he stood on his side of the court, standing guard in front of the goal, Andrew frowned. It was weird and somewhat unsettling how fast he was becoming used to that word when thinking about Neil. Neil was his boyfriend and he was probably, almost certaintly, avoiding Andrew because of his test results. What would it mean for them if they were actually possitive? What would Neil do then? Would he bre—

"Andrew!" Wilds’ yell brought him out of his spiriling mind to notice the goal had just lit up red behind him. Kevin had scored on him and he hadn't even noticed. "Don't start acting like a statue now!"

He might have also spared a few more thoughts into how their captain had gotten more comfortable over time berating him when he didn't put enough effort into practice if it wasn't for Kevin's own hard voice battling for his attention. Except the obnoxious striker wasn't yelling at him.

"Neil! That shot was yours, not mine. Keep up with me!"

Neil didn't say anything back, just like he'd done the other ten times Kevin had let loose on him.

_You're not running fast enough Neil!_

_Your aim is off Neil!_

_Keep up with the rest of us Neil!_

If there was one thing the rabbit was exceptionally and unnecessarily good at was playing Exy through pain. He'd done it last year at Castle Evermore when Riko and the Ravens had made every single day a living hell. He'd done it after Baltimore, not nearly healed enough from his injuries the first time he got back on the court. And he'd been doing it for the past week after his assault on sunday.

But as much effort as he put into it, Neil's performance on the court had gone from bad to worse and Andrew feared it had nothing to do with the pain and everything to do with the lack of sleep.

Everyone had noticed but not many of the foxes had made a comment about it, since Neil was most likely to shut them off with his usual I'm fine bullshit. Allison had even approached Andrew under the false believe that he could make Neil do anything he wanted, like fucking fall asleep at night.

 _Just ask him,_ she'd said. _That seems to work well between you two._

If only Neil would listen.

It's not that Andrew hasn't asked, because he has. It’s that Neil still seemed terrified enough of his nightmares to make himself stay awake most of the night. It was honestly a miracle how the idiot was still standing after only a total of eight hours of sleep in four fucking days. That wasn't nearly enough hours per night to have him running around court at top speed, much less playing well.

But Kevin was the only one who wasn't giving Neil any slack. Even Wymack hadn't said much about Neil's performance all week. Andrew was even tempted to talk the man into benching Neil for their next game, but he didn't think his boyfriend would appreciate that kind of concern.

Instead of going behind his back like that, he'd settled with keeping an extra eye out for Neil during practice and that's how he was able to monitor his decrease in energy during the last half hour of practice. The redhead was winded and his step faltered more than one. He hadn't been able to score on Andrew or Rene all afternoon and his passes were weak and unbalanced. If Andrew didn't know any better, he'd think he was about to collapse. But Neil was nothing if not a stubborn man, and he tried to keep up with the rhythm of practice if only for Kevin's sake.

Unfortunately for him, his best efforts didn't seem like enough for the other striker.

With every new jab sent his way about how terrible a shot had been or how slow he was running, Neil seemed to be getting ever more restless. If anyone but Andrew noticed the change in his face, nobody commented on it.

When the last ten minutes of practice rolled around, Neil made a last ditch effort to counterbalance his horrible performance by giving it his all to one final race across the court. He and Kevin were running towards Andrew, their sight set on the goal behind him and they made a somewhat complicated game of passes to go through the backliners until it was time to shoot the ball.

Neil took the shot. Or at least, he tried to.

Andrew had gotten into position, watching the angle of Neil's arm and racket but when Neil swung with what seemed to be all his strength, Andrew aborted his motion and lowered his racket. He could already tell the shot wouldn't make it into the goal. Neil's aim was completely off and the strength behind the ball wasn't even enough for it to the rebound much on the wall. Andrew could do nothing but stare at Neil in mildly concealed concern as the striker leaned his hands on his knees and panted into his helmet.

Well, that was a piss poor shot and Kevin didn't lose the opportunity to let everyone know.

"What the hell is wrong with you today?"

"Kevin, back off. He's clearly exhausted" said Boyd, though the backliner was reluctant to get closer to the pair of them, also sending Andrew a weary glance.

"Exhausted from what? He's barely done anything all week! You do know we have a game tomorrow night, right?" Kevin asked a still doubled over Neil, but at the question, his rabbit took one last deep breath and straightened back up.

"I am aware. I'll play better tomorrow"

Neil was about to walk back to the middle of the court when Kevin's next words made him halt mid-step. "Better than this isn't good enough. You know what's at stake if you can't play"

And, seriously? Did he have to bring that up now?

When Neil turned back around with murder in his eyes, Andrew had to keep himself from ending whatever this confrontation was before it escalated any further. He remembered Neil's scathing look when he'd stood up to Jack for him in the morning, and he wasn't looking forward to a repeat from that. Neil could fight his own battles, right?

"Is that all you care about?" his boyfriend asked, voice tight with a barely restrained anger he hadn't shown all day. Heck, his eyes hadn't sparked so dangerously all _week_.

"It's all _you_ should be worried about. With how you've played this week, you might as well just invite them to finish you off along with the rest of us"

" _Kevin!_ " this time it was Wilds who gasped a warning at the striker.

They always made a point not to talk about that particular situation if the younger foxes were around to hear them. Even if the freshmen lot had gathered at the other side of the court as soon as the awkward stand off had begun. But Andrew didn't waste any thoughts on them. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, unwilling to admit he was getting restless with just watching while Neil got more and more worked up by the second. He also wondered where the hell was Coach and why wasn't he breaking this up.

When his attention focussed back on Neil, he noticed the redhead had taken a couple of steps back towards Kevin. He could also tell Neil was trying to control his temper. "A few bad days won't bring the Moriyamas down from their high horse"

Nobody made a comment about the Moriyama name being tossed into the conversation, but everyone's tight expressions betrayed their discomfort. Kevin's face was specially sour.

"You can't have the luxury to slack off Neil, they watch every game, they expect results. Our lives depend on that and you—"

"You don't think I know that?!"

Not only Kevin but everyone else was taken aback by Neil's yell. Andrew himself took a couple of steps out of the goal, not liking how quickly things were escalating.

"Well, it doesn't seem to be on your mind lately. So what the hell's gotten into you this week?" to his credit, Kevin didn't sound as reprimanding as he could have.

"You worry about your game and I'll worry about mine" Neil said back with finality and he turned around but instead of heading towards his starting position in court, he headed for the door.

"Where are you going? Practice isn't ov—"

Neil whirled around with fire in his eyes. "Sometimes other things are more important than Exy!"

Everyone, Andrew included, gaped at Neil in the silence that followed his statement. To Neil, not even hiding from his father had been more important than the stupid game he was obsessed with and to have him say such a thing, even if only Andrew knew what he was really talking about, wasn't only shocking but worrisome.

Kevin was the first to break the silence. "More import—. Neil, have you lost your mind?"

"Oh, because if I'm not thinking about my game every fucking minute of every fucking day then I'm just crazy, right? Because God forbid something else gets my attention for five fucking seconds"

"Neil" one of the girls whispered, concern written all over her face but Neil paid her no mind. He had eyes only for Kevin.

Then Nicky's voice joined the circus for the first time since the show started. "It's five minutes 'till practice's over. Why don't we call it quits for today?"

"Agreed"

Everyone turned their attention on him. Andrew had tried really hard not to interfere but Neil's rigid posture and the quality of his breathing had him blurting out the word almost without thought. But all his trouble earned him was the hard look from Neil he'd been trying to avoid.

"So now I can't even finish practice, is that it?"

Andrew stared at Neil silently. If he could have his way, he would push Neil off the court himself and maybe even knock him out so the idiot could get some of his much needed sleep, but everything he stood for went against forcing Neil to do anything.

"Neil, you could use the rest. You're tired" it was Boyd who spoke the words everyone was thinking about, but his rabbit didn’t take kindly to that comment, even if it came from his best friend.

"Don't tell me how I feel"

"Don't be stubborn Neil, if you're not up to it then step off the court" this time, Kevin.

"So now you want me to go?"

"If you're gonna keep playing like that, then yes"

"Fuck you Kevin. Pass me the ball"

"No. Go sleep or whatever" Kevin said and then he made the really stupid mistake of lunging for Neil's arm. Neil's hiss was instant.

"Don't touch me"

"Hands off, Day" Andrew had to say as well though he was hesitant to walk any closer to them. He was pissed at his own uncertainty when it came to dealing with Neil right now. But then he cursed himself because maybe if he hadn't hesitated so much in that moment, he could've been able to stop Kevin before things escalated so far.

"We're wasting time" the taller striker said, completely disregarding both Neil’s and Andrew’s warning, and getting into Neil's space, latching a hand into his arm. "You're done here"

"Kevin!" Andrew yelled his name and went to stop Kevin from dragging Neil off the court when the redhead let out an animalistic growl.

"I said don't touch me!" Neil dislodged Kevin's hold by pushing him off making the taller man lose his balance and almost fall to the floor.

Andrew would've been content if things ended like that, after all, Kevin had been asking for it, but when Nicky called out Neil's name in alarm, Andrew's eyes sharpened up towards Neil who had just raised his racket and was poised to attack.

Andrew reacted instantly. He slammed bodily into Neil until the redhead had to back up a few steps. Andrew's arm trembled with the force of blocking Neil's arm in the air above them and the collective gasp of the foxes around them only served to intensify the charged atmosphere around them.

As it was, Andrew had eyes only for Neil. Their bodies were pressed together and Neil's was so tight it was shaking with the effort of standing up. He was also pushing against Andrew. But Neil's eyes were on the floor behind him, were Kevin had eventually fallen, cowering away from a racket being raised against him. Andrew would worry about the other man later though, right now, Neil was fighting against him, still intent on bringing his arm down on someone.

"Get the hell off me" his boyfriend hissed dangerously.

Andrew hesitated. "Neil..."

" _Let me go_ " he spat, eyes finally landing on Andrew's and the blond recoiled inmediately as if burned by the intensity of the glare. He let go of Neil and took a wide step back also feeling, strangely enough, as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped on him.

He'd made Neil ask twice.

Fuck.

Fuck!

Neil struggled to take his helmet off and when he did, he threw it harshly to the floor, making it bounce once before rolling away from them. "I'm done with this shit!"

And he stormed off the court.

Silence followed him for all of two seconds before Andrew did.

"Andrew, what the hell?" it was Nicky who halted his retreat and soon enough everyone began firing their own questions.

"What's wrong with Neil?"

"He's been weird all week"

"I can't believe he did that"

"Is he okay?"

Andrew whirled around to face all of them.

"Follow us and you're dead" he spat venomously and then proceeded to ingore everyone as he followed Neil off the court.

He passed Wymack on his way to the locker rooms, which is were Neil had headed, and he blew off the man's question about Neil and his clearly enfuriated expression.

Andrew considered giving Neil some space to cool off, but when the sound of something hitting metal followed by a curse reached his ears, he threw all caution aside and opened the door to the locker room.

The scene that greeted him froze him in his tracks and after the second blow, Andrew headed back outside in search of Wymack. He didn’t have to walk much though, because Coach was already on his way to them, probably summoned by the ruckus Neil was making inside the locker room.

“Andrew—” he was thankfully alone.

“Get Betsy. Nobody but her gets into this room”

“What’s going—”

“ _Now_ ”

And then Andrew went back into the locker room, closing the door behind him and staring helplessly as Neil drove his racket against his locker again, and again, and again.

_What the hell am I going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Andrew may seem a bit OC but the poor thing has no clue how to handle his feelings and he can’t lean on Neil right now to figure them out because well... Neil has enough in his plate.   
> Now, this was the first part of Neil’s breakdown... next chapter is gonna be even worse! 😱  
> Any comments? Suggestions? Requests?


	6. None of them stopped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys ready for the breakdown part 2? I have to warn you: this chapter is heavily emotional but I guess this whole fic is kind of heavily emotional so... yeah.  
> I’m really nervous and excited about the reception of this chapter, so if you’d be kind enough to let me know if you like it and what you thought of it, it would be really appreciated.

With every slam of Neil's racket against the locker, another part of Andrew's resolve hardened. The idiot was going to hurt himself at some point, or break the fucking racket, which was more likely to earn Andrew a debilitating injury if he had to hear Neil whining about it later. But even if Neil seemed unaware of his surroundings because his focus was entirely on murdering his locker, the rabbit picked up on Andrew's advance quickly enough to bring the racket between them and point it menacingly at him.

"Stay away" he snarled and Andrew didn't dare take another step.

Neil eyed him suspiciously, as if he wasn't sure Andrew would respect his wishes, as if he didn't _know_ Andrew would stop. And wasn't that anyone's but Andrew's own fault?

 _Let me go. Stay away_. Neil had never said those things to him before, which meant Neil didn't feel safe enough with him.

Andrew was at a loss for what to do just then. Usually a hand to the back of Neil's neck was all it took to bring the rabbit out of his panicky hole, but how to do that from ten feet away?

It looked like words were going to have to be enough for this one.

After a minute of intense staring and indecision, Andrew raised his hands silently in surrender until Neil turned back to the lockers and let loose on them once more.

He was swinging the racket like a baseball bat and now that Andrew paid more attention, he heard the muttering behind his clenched teeth. Some of the words were said so low he wasn't able to decipher them, but others he could hear so loud and clear they almost reverbrated in his own head.

"Stupid... fucking stupid... Moriyamas... fucking Kevin... so tight... so good and fuck! Fuck!"

"Neil"

The racket didn't stop, it even picked up its speed. "Neil!"

But his boyfriend was unreachable and Andrew was dismayed to notice he was feeling every slam of the racket like a blow to his own stomach, which seemed empty but swirling at the same time with something he only ever felt when leaning too far over the edge of the roof or while flying on a plane.

Fear.

Except he wasn't used to feeling fear not for himself but for another person. Everyone knew he was territorial and that he would do anything to protect those under his promises, but he'd never feared for Kevin, he'd never feared _for_ Aaron or Nicky. No, only Neil-fucking-Josten got to earn that from him. Only his boyfriend Neil-fucking-Josten got to make him feel. So. Damn. Much. And right now, Andrew's heart was skyrocketting to the roof.

"You'll pull something if you don't stop"

But his only answer was the sound of metal bending under the weight of Neil's anger.

"This isn't going to solve anything"

"Didn't want... too slow... and I can play, I can fucking play! And they— they didn't... none of them stopped!"

"Abram" finally, the change of tactic got a reaction out of Neil, the name that always helped ground him to the present, except it wasn't the reaction Andrew had been hoping for. Neil ceased the assault on the locker only to spit angry words back at him.

"I'm not Abram! I'm not Neil, I'm not Abram. I'm not anything! I don't belong to myself, I belong to them. All of them!"

Bam! Another slam of the racket.

Andrew wasn't sure if Neil was referring to the Moriyamas or his attackers, but he guessed it didn't really matter.

Bam! Bam!

Things were getting out of control.

"Stop that"

Not that Andrew thought he'd ever had any control over the situation.

"Neil, stop"

"Why should I? Nobody does!"

Bam!

"That doesn't—" but Andrew didn't know how to finish that sentence.

_That doesn't mean you can't? That doesn't mean I wont?_

"What did the results say?" he asked instead, remembering the real reason behind Neil's foul mood that day and hoping it would distract him enough to stop swinging the racket like a mad man. He was silently relieved when Neil's next blow faltered a little and he slowed his attack on the lockers.

"I... I didn't... I didn't read them"

"Why?"

Neil huffed and whirled unexpextedly back to him. "Why the hell do you think?" At least he stopped moving after that but he seemed unable to look at Andrew in the eyes. In fact, now that he thought about it, Neil had avoided looking him in the eyes all day. "What if I have something now? Will they let me play? What if I'm... and what if you... I wouldn't, okay? I wouldn't do that"

"Do what?"

"I... with... damn it!"

Bam!

Andrew jumped back, startled, with the strength behind the blow and he was dismayed to notice Neil doubling his efforts to murder the locker. Just where the hell was Bee? Andrew was getting nowhere with Neil and he was starting to feel a little bit panicked himself.

He wanted to grab Neil and reassure him that things would sort themselves out, he wanted to put a hand to the back of his neck and squeeze until the idiot calmed down. He wanted to ground him, to just _touch_ him but Neil had asked for space and he couldn't just ignore that. Is this how Neil felt with him? Impotent and useless whenever Andrew wouldn't let him touch him during a bad day?

A new slam of the racket had him focusing back on Neil's body, tension evident in his posture and exposed neck, and that's why he was able to see, with a knot of apprehension in his stomach, the moment Neil's arm slipped.

"Ow! Argh! Damn it!" Neil had been swinging the racket so carelessly that the stick had caught the edge of the locker and Neil's hand slipped in his grip. The stupid idiot- because, hadn't Andrew warned him? -let go of the racket to clutch at his hand. And then he seemed to realize what had happened and inhaled a sharp breath. He turned wide eyes on Andrew. "No no nonono. Andrew. Andrew, it's twisted. I fucked it up. I can't play now. Kevin's right. They're gonna kill me. They're gonna kill me, Andreeew"

The last syllable of his name got dragged into a whine that let the blond know they weren't anywhere near done with this panic attack and Andrew's normally stoic heart squeezed itself into a knot at the desperate look on Neil's face.

_Bee!? Come on, Bee!_

"Neil..." Andrew tried taking another step forward but Neil flinched so violently it was Andrew who ended up flinching back until his body hit the wall opposite from the lockers and he glued himself to the surface. His heart was hammering in his chest now and when exactly had this become a _double_ panic attack?

Andrew let out a curse of his own.

Neil continued to clutch at his wrist and let out pained little breaths until he dropped to the floor on his knees and tucked his interlocked hands into his chest. The scene was so much like that night at the hotel in Baltimore that Andrew clutched at his own hair for a moment to try and dispell the images away.

He was about to let hinself slide down the wall to sit on the floor when a knock on the door had him straightening his posture.

_Fucking finally!_

He pushed himself off the wall and went to open the door hoping against all odds that Wymack had actually done as asked and there wasn't anyone-fucking-else trying to come in here and make everything worse with their concern. If someone other than Bee was at that door, Andrew swore he would—

"Bee" he let out the one lettered word through a somewhat relieved sigh and that was enough to get Bee's own concern showing on her face.

"Andrew, what's going—?"

But the blond didn't let her finish and just grabbed into the fabric of her shirt to pull her inside the room and slam the door closed behind her, leaving a stunned Wymack behind. "It's him. He's panicking, I can't reach him. _Do_ something"

Bee glanced briefly at Neil who was still kneeling on the floor but she turned her worried eyes back on Andrew.

"The hell are you looking at me like that?"

"Andrew, could you do me a favor? Remember our breathing excercises? Try and regulate your breathing first"

The moment she mentioned it, Andrew realized he was in fact breathing heavily and just when had he started wheezing like that?

He shook his head. "I'm not the problem, he is. _Fix it"_

She regarded him for a long minute before making up her mind.

"Okay"

Bee turned to Neil and Andrew went back to his spot on the wall.

Could it be that he'd been unable to reach Neil because of his own panic? That instead of helping him all he'd done was fuel Neil's panic with his own?

Neil had gone back to muttering almost unintelligible sentences and though Bee walked closer to him, she made a point not to overcrowd him and not to lose Andrew from her sight.

"Neil? Can you hear me?" she asked when he showed no sign of recognition.

"Can't play... I can't play... can't play"

"Why can't you play, Neil?"

"Kevin's right... can't play... hurt my hand"

"I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems, Neil"

Andrew noticed Bee using Neil's name quite a lot. Was she trying to reassure him of his own identity? That seemed to be something the rabbit had been struggling with again this past week and Bee had been quick to pick up on that. She was a freaking saint.

But Neil didn't really seem to be answering her questions directly and he let out a pained moan before pressing his hand even closer to himself. "It hurts. It hurts. Andrew"

Neil had lost his gloves sometime between walking off the court and starting his spiral down the rabbit hole, and Andrew could see the painfully tight grip he had on his left wrist. If the wrist was indeed sprained, he was only making it worse by grinding the bones together like that.

"Let go of your hand" he blurted out from his side of the room, making Bee glance back at him before finding Neil's hands with her eyes.

"I—I can't"

"You just have to let it go" Andrew almost growled. He wasn't good at dealing with irrational people and Neil sounded as out of it as he'd ever been.

Andrew wasn't a gentle person, he never had been, not since he was seven and he learned the hard way how cruel people can be. He'd also never gentled his words towards Neil. If anything, he suspected it was his no nonsense attitude what attracted Neil in the first place. Andrew's direct approach on things grounded Neil to the present, to the here and now, but right now all he was managing was make Neil's breathing pick up speed and his harsh breaths to turn into gasps. He was doing everything wrong tonight.

"Hurts... it... can't... hurts"

"Neil!"

"Andrew" Bee warned and the blond shut up inmediately. At least Neil had gasped in a full breath at his outburst, but somehow Andrew didn't find the achivement helpful. Bee, though, she widened her eyes for a moment as if in realization. "Andrew, I think Neil could use some physical anchor right now"

His eyes snapped up at her. "What do you mean?"

"He's clutching his wrist like his life depends on it without realizing he's injuring himself further"

"And this is news to me how?" did he sound rude? Did he care? Bee was used to him by now.

"I think he's incapable of letting go right now"

Seeing Neil rocking slowly on his knees while his eyes stayed unfocused on the floor made Andrew feel like they were talking about him as if he wasn't even there and he didn't like that nor the fact that Neil actually didn't seem all _there_ , at least not mentally.

A hand to the back of his neck. That's what he needed. But—

"He doesn't want me to touch him"

"Did he say that?"

 _Stay away. Let me go_. It wasn't the right words but they meant space. They meant limits and a hands off request. They had to mean that, right?

Bee, as if she fucking knew him inside and out, sent her most conveying expression towards him. "His boundaries aren't yours, Andrew"

"But he was ra—"

He stopped. He wouldn't go there.

"No matter what happened, he's not you and you're not him. Don't expect him to act or need the same"

Andrew looked at Neil again. They were in the locker room and they were in Baltimore all over again. Neil was on the floor. Neil needed an anchor. Andrew was his anchor. He knew that. He knew! But... but...

He took a step forward, and then another one, and another one until he was directly in front of Neil. Bee had backed off to give them space and Andrew's legs trembled as he kneeled in front of Neil.

He brought his hand up.

_Stay away._

_None of them stopped._

_Let me go._

He put a tentative hand at the back of Neil's neck.

The rabbit didn't flinch but he did gasp and settled his panicky eyes on him. Andrew waited. He waited for Neil's body to relax, for his eyes to focus and lose that blurry quality to them but all Neil did was try to talk and get his words stuck in his throat. The desperation never left his frame.

Andrew sought out Bee, a question evident in his eyes. _What now?_ The woman nodded at him encouragingly.

Andrew sighed and ignoring the tingling sensation on his skin that told him he was doing everything wrong, that he was letting himself _be like them_ , he tugged Neil's head further until it was hidden on the crook of his shoulder and resolved to do the only thing he could think of to bring Neil out of his panic.

He hugged him. He pressed Neil closer to him and circled his arms around his back while his lips found the side of Neil's head and he whispered into his ear.

"Stop hurting yourself Neil... please"

Andrew screwed his eyes shut and held his breath while he expected the inevitable, for Neil to ignore his plea like everyone else in his life had ever done. But a fraction of a second later, Neil let out a broken moan and Andrew felt the front of his uniform being clutched as desperately as Neil's wrist had been moments before.

That's when the screaming started.

Neil let out an angry yell that turned into a growl towards the end before tugging Andrew impossibly closer and doing it again. His screams where somewhat muffled by Andrew's shoulder but there was no doubt anyone standing just outside the locker room would be able to hear him.

When the screaming continued, Andrew looked for Bee and was surprised to find a relieved expression on her face. Andrew frowned at her and she somehow whispered over Neil's screaming.

"He's letting go"

Andrew went back to Neil after that. He pulled one hand up towards his head to fist the sweaty red locks between his fingers and held on for dear life until Neil decided he was done _letting it go._

As it was though, Neil didn't exactly decide to do anything when his body slumped further into Andrew's and his screaming stopped as abruptly as it has started. Andrew lifted his head to check but there was no doubt the rabbit had passed out.

Thank-fucking-God.

Bee crouched next to them, knowing better than to put a hand on Andrew's shoulder right now, and asked if she could let Abby in now. He nodded and didn't ask how anyone had thought to call her, he assumed they thought it was a safe bet someone would get hurt by how things had ended up at practice.

During the next couple of minutes, Andrew went through the motions of stepping aside to let Abby examine Neil and stare blankly at them all when they asked what had happened. Wymack had also made it into the room somehow.

He growled at the man defensively when he went to pick up Neil from the floor and hovered over his body until everyone took a step back.

"I'll take him" he spat and proceeded to take Neil's weight into his own as the other three preceded their retreat from the locker room.

He wasn't surprised to see the rest of the team just outside the door but decided against paying them any attention seeing as he had his hands quite litterally full.

They walked to Abby's office and he deposited Neil on the stretcher, taking up residence near the wall at the foot of the bed intent on waiting for Neil to wake up and supervise Abby's check up and ministrations.

Except his eyes found Bee next and the woman was looking at him with open concern written all over her face and Andrew was reminded of his own vulnerability displayed inside the locker room.

It was only Bee, the woman who had seen him through his medication, his own assault and his subsequent withdrawal. But maybe because it was Bee, Andrew couldn't stand her scrutinity.

Too many emotions were rolling around in his head and he felt trapped inside the small office. He needed to go.

So with one last look at Neil's passed out form and ignoring the calls for him from both his coach and his therapist, Andrew walked out of the room and out of the stadium.

It was only when he was sure nobody could be watching that he dropped the pretense of a calm demeanor and ran like hell back to the Tower, back to the dorms and back to the roof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double panic attack? Did anyone see that coming? I can promise you I didn’t. The whole scene took me by surprise as much as it did Andrew. I freaking love him so much I can’t help but make him human enough to feel all the things he feels.  
> Next chapter we’ll go back to Neil and see how the story continues from now on.
> 
> Now, on a completely unrelated topic, I’m thinking about writing an AU (let me rephrase that: a monster of an AU) that involves lots of colors, lots of fighting and out favorite couple of course, Andrew and Neil. I already have like 20 chapters thought out and I even started writing the first one.  
> Anyone care to guess what the AU is about? Is this something you’d be interested in reading? Let me know!
> 
> In the mean time... any thoughts?


	7. I don’t know how to be anything else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to update but I struggled to get this chapter finished, mainly because the first person PoV wasn’t working like at the beginning so I made the executive decision to write the rest of the fic from the third person PoV though we go back to Neil’s perspective on this chapter.
> 
> I’m really excited to post the chapter though because I want to see your reactions to it. I want to thank you for all of the comments on the previous chapters and I can only hope you like this one too.

Neil woke up tired and dissoriented for the second time that week and his body felt dragged down with a bone deep exhaustion he hadn’t felt since he’d been on the run with his mother. In fact, the only other time he remembered his body working against him so much was when a bullet tore through his skin and his mother had to stitch him closed without any other supplies but a needle, a thread and a bottle of alcohol to numb the pain.

He could recognize his surroundings just fine. He wasn’t in the hospital, thank fuck, but he was in Abby’s infirmary which wasn’t that much better. It just meant he’d freaked out enough to need medical attention. At least there was no i.v.

Still, he couldn’t help but flashback to that night at the hospital where he’d woken up to Abby’s worried glance and a total lack of knowledge of a certain someone’s whereabouts.

This time though, Abby wasn’t staring at him. Instead, she was typing on her phone, unaware of Neil’s return to consciousness. He took advantage of her ignorance to take stock of himself.

He was still in uniform, which was good. He didn’t think he would appreciate waking up in a meager gown ever again. He even had his shoes on, which didn’t exactly mean he hadn’t been out for long but he chose to believe it did anyway. The next thing he noticed was the light cast around his wrist. Neil’s heart jumped then when he remembered the injury he gave himself because he’d allowed himself to slip so out of control even Andrew had to… he had to…

And Neil was so stupid! _Please_. He’d made Andrew say _please_ and who knows what else he’d done. Had he touched Andrew without his permission? He remembered clinging to him afterwards. Had Andrew endured unwanted closeness for his sake? For his pathetic panicky self?

He needed to find Andrew now. He needed to find Andrew now and apologize.

He carefully sat up and the movement caught Abby's attention. "Oh, Neil! We've been waiting for you to wake up. How do you feel?"

"Fi—" the look Abby gave him right then could rival even Aaron's worst glare. "Tired. Where's Andrew?"

She seemed satisfied with that answer. "We don't know. Practice ended almost an hour ago"

Neil wasn't surprised Andrew hadn't stuck around waiting for him to wake up. After what happened in the locker room, he must have been feeling as vulnerable as it gets. Neil felt pretty vulnerable himself. He took a hold of his casted hand and brought it to his chest.

"You won't be able to play tomorrow" Abby said, noticing the protective gesture over his hand. "But your wrist should be healed by next week. It was a mild sprain"

Neil nodded, glad to notice his heart hadn't done more than beat strongly for a couple of minutes before quieting down again. Maybe he was too tired to panic right now.

He closed his eyes while he listened to Abby talk about what happened at the locker room and before that at practice. She didn't sound reprimanding though, which made Neil feel all the more guilty for it.

"Is Kevin alright?"

"You didn't hit him"

"Still"

"He was shaken, but he was worried about you more than anything. The team doesn't know why you reacted that way"

"You think I should tell them" he didn't phrase it like a question because it wasn't.

"I think they need to know to be careful around you for a while"

"Because I might hurt them?"

"No. Neil..." she waited until Neil made eye contact with her again. "No. Because you've been through something traumatic and your responses are going to be determined by that for a while"

"I'm used to it" he said, because what other traumatic experience _hadn't_ happened to him already?

"I'm not saying you should tell them exactly what happened, but letting them know you aren't at your best right now may help you get there faster"

She was starting to sound uncomfortably like Betsy so he simply nodded to get her to move on from that subject. "Am I free to go?"

"Yes. Make sure to stay hydrated and for the love of God, Neil, get more sleep"

"It's not like I don't try" he didn't know where the burst of honesty came from but he couldn't bring himself to regret it while he carefully hoped down from the gurney.

"Would you like me to prescribe some sleeping aids? They could help" and he was automatically about to refuse but thought better of it.

"I'll let you know"

"All right. Take care of yourself Neil"

Neil had to groan when the first person that greeted him beyond the infirmary door was Wymack. He really wasn't in the mood for a lecture. But the man didn't give him one, instead pointing to his uniform and then the locker rooms.

"Go change. I'll drive you to the dorms"

Neil didn’t waste time protesting or even showering, merely changing out of the uniform and back to his regular clothes. He shouldn’t get the cast wet anyway. Another slight wave of panic threatened to take over him when he felt the envelope in his pocket, but he willed it down until the moment he actually decided to open it.

When he joined Wymack in the car, the older man let out a sigh. “Betsy’s offered to talk to you about what happened today and… other things, if you’re willing”

“I won’t play the game tomorrow” Neil said, hoping to avoid the topic of therapy for the time being.

“I know. Abby needs to clear you for next week though and, frankly, I even have half a mind to make Betsy clear you as well to get back on the court after what happened today”

Neil looked out the passanger window with a defeated slump of his shoulders at not being able to brush off the subject. “I promise I’ll never hurt any of them”

“It’s not them I’m worried about” Neil turned his head slowly to stare at the man. His expression was resigned and tired and not for the first time Neil wondered how he hadn’t quit his job, and the foxes, yet. “You have to be the most resilient person I know, Neil, but even you have your limits. If you keep pushing yourself like this, if you keep pretending that everything’s fine, you’re gonna end up hurt again and this time, you might be taking someone else down with you”

Neil winced inwardly and stared out the window again. Coach didn’t need to be more specific. Neil knew he’d been hurting Andrew since the moment he’d stumbled into his arms after being assaulted that night. What happened at the locker room had just been the final straw.

Clearing his throat so his voice didn’t betray him, Neil was surprised to find himself confessing to something maybe a year ago he wouldn’t have had the guts or the trust to say. “I don’t know how to be anything other than fine. I don’t do it to spite anyone, I do it because… When we were on the run it was either be fine or risk getting caught. Even when I wasn't really okay, my mother beat it into me until I was _fine_. It was the only way for me to keep going. I didn’t let the Moriyamas stop me, I didn’t let my father stop me. I can’t let this stop me either”

“The only problem I see with that statement is you think you need to keep going”

Was today the international day of acting like a shrink?

“Are we going or what?” he asked instead, choosing to ignore Wymack's last comment because it had hit a little too close to home.

Coach didn't say anything else and a moment later, they were making their way through campus towards the Fox Tower.

One glance towards the roof told him everything he needed to know and though Andrew wasn't looking down at him, he had no doubt he'd seen Wymack's car approaching the Tower. For a moment, Neil debated whether to go up to him now or give him his space but eventually decided to get on with it. The hospital envelope with his blood test results weighted heavily in his pocket and he figured he shouldn't read them alone. This affected Andrew too. Whatever the results said, they needed to make a choice and Neil couldn't keep postponing the inevitable. He knew what would happen if the test was possitive, there was no doubt in his mind about it. It was the other possibility, the test being negative, that had his stomach clamping in fear. It may have been contradictory, but to Neil, it made perfect sense at the time.

He took the elevator up to the last floor and quickly made his way upstairs to shimmy his way through the roof access door, thus avoiding contact with any other fox wandering around. He needed to apologize to his team, to Kevin most of all, about his behavior earlier, but that could all wait. In front of Andrew, everyone else could always wait.

Neil's mind went back to that first night when he'd found Andrew tense and guarded on their spot. He wasn't proud of being the cause of Andrew's unease, seeing as he still seemed uncharacteristically tense on the roof, but he swallowed his ever growing guilt and walked slowly towards him, giving him time to send him away if that's what he wanted.

Against the fading light of the day, Andrew's silhouette was still highlighted by the orange color of his uniform and that's when Neil knew Andrew had been up here since practice. He'd shed his protective gear and the distinctive lack of a cigarette told him Andrew hadn't even stopped by the dorm to get one.

Somehow, having this conversation without the distraction of a smoke drag made him feel all the more vulnerable. He could only hope Andrew didn't feel the same.

"Hey" Neil offered as he sat down several feet away from him but close enough to still be able to see his expression. The small lightbulb next to the roof access door could only do so much against the quickly darkening sky.

Andrew stayed silent.

Far from discouraged, Neil tried again. “The sprain on my wrist is mild. I won't play tomorrow but next week shouldn't be a problem"

Nothing. Not even a glance his way. Neil let out an inaudible sigh and brought a knee close to his chest. He hugged it with his free arm while the casted hand rested in his lap.

"Abby said I drove myself into the panic attack. That maybe I wouldn’t have gone all berzerker if I had been sleeping right”

Neil waited a beat, ready to talk himself out until Andrew felt comfortable enough to answer or to tell him to shut up, but finally the blond broke his silence and Neil had to let out a small smile at his words.

“Next time you say you're fine, I might have to kill you”

But Neil's smile was instantly wiped off his face by the tone of Andrew's voice, or the lack of it more likely. Neil didn't think he'd ever heard Andrew sound so... defeated. Not even when he'd come back from Easthaven after getting sober. It was a toneless kind of voice he'd never used around Neil before.

Neil's own voice lost some of its quality to be replaced by uncertainty. “I was trying not to be a burden for you”

"Go bother someone else with your martyr bullshit”

Neil's heart picked up its pace, his eyes just now noticing how still Andrew was. He wasn't dangling his legs off the ledge, his fingers weren't twitching. His gaze was fixed on the horizon and his breathing was as controlled as it could be.

"Andrew? Andrew, I was trying to—“

“You were trying to outwin yourself in the stupidity department”

Neil waited again, not really knowing how to proceed from now, with an Andrew that sounded robotic and very, very far away from there.

"Will you look at me?" Neil asked, his worry over Andrew's more than apathy evident in his own increasing unease. "Andrew!"

The blond finally, finally, broke out of his spell and turned vacant eyes on Neil. Neil hurried to keep a hold of his attention.

"It's not like I really thought I was fine, but what else was I supposed to do? I didn't want to have to depend so much on you again. It wasn’t fair to you” Andrew remained silent and Neil could do nothing else but continue. "This wasn’t like Evermore. It wasn’t even like Baltimore. I couldn’t just lean on you like I did then”

“Then what the hell am I here for? I was there for you then, I can be here for you now” Neil was relieved he was at least managing to engage Andrew in conversation and also mildly surprised to hear an undertone of anger under his words. If an argument was what it took to bring Andrew back from wherever his mind was right now, then an argument Neil was going to enact.

“This is different!”

“Why? Because I was raped too?” Neil flinched both at the blunt statement and the sudden harshness to Andrew's voice, though he was glad the other man was showing some life signals after all. “It’s not like I don’t think about it every fucking day. I see what happened to me in every single thing I do. I see them in every single person I meet. I didn’t need you getting raped too to remind me of that because I can never forget, so you’re not sparing my feelings or whatever bullshit you think you’re accomplishing by pretending to be alright and lying to me about it. What happened to you doesn’t change anything and you know I don’t like repeating myself. I told you that day”

Neil fell silent after that, digesting Andrew's words. He couldn't help it but feel guiltier and guiltier over his accions during the week. He was being as honest as he could be, he hadn't wanted to be a reminder to Andrew about his own past, but he guessed he should've known Andrew wouldn't stand for it and he would definitely not appreciate it.

When he spoke again, Andrew had already gone back to staring at the horizon. "I'm sorry I made you say pl—”

“Shut up”

“ _Andrew_ , just let me—"

“I said what I said and I meant it”

“You don't have to explain yourself to me”

“Except I do, don't I?!" and this time, the outburst was as potent as it was short. "Because I’m your fucking boyfriend and that’s why this has always been a fucking problem”

When Andrew signaled between them, Neil's heart fell all the way from the roof to the street below. His voice was subdued when he spoke. “So now the problem isn't that this isn't a thing, but that this thing is a problem?”

Andrew didn't reply for the space of five breaths but when he did, Neil was relieved to notice his gaze had sharpened and his eyes looked focused. He was back from wherever mindstate he'd been on before.

When his eyes met Neil's, his heart flew back the four stories it had fallen barely a minute ago and Neil found himself clinging to his every word. "It’s also always been a this. I thought you’d be happy about that”

The change was subtle, but Neil let out a sigh of relief when Andrew's leg started swinging back and forth over the edge of the building.

It was several minutes later when Neil's fingers traveled to the inside of his pocket and retrieved the rumpled envelope from the hospital. He studied the thin paper trying to determine if the lack of thickness from the envelope meant good or bad news.

“Those the results?”

Andrew's voice startled him if only because he sounded almost back to normal. He nodded. "Yeah... what if they're possitive?”

“What if they aren't? Just open them"

Prompted by his encouragement, Neil fumbled with the sealed envelope until he finally had the test results in his hand. It was now or never and Neil had let the guessing game go on for too long.

"I don't know what I'm reading" he stated after a minute of careful looking over medical terms and numbers. If he hadn't been so nervous about it, he might have laughed at Andrew's impatient sigh while he ripped the paper from his hands to read it himself.

"You're clean" he blurted after barely a glance and Neil stared at him dumdfounded until he added, "Everything's negative"

He gasped in a breath.

It was negative.

He was _negative_. He was clean. He was...

"What now?" but the only answer he got was the questioning lifting of an eyebrow. "Andrew, this means we can... but what if I... I don't know if I'll be able to... Damn it! A possitive would've made this easier" he added as an afterthought while running a frustrated hand through his hair.

"What the hell are you saying, Josten?"

"I may... I may never want to _do_ things again"

There, he'd said it. The thought had been running around in his head since that morning. If the test came back possitive, he knew he would end things with Andrew inmediately because he wouldn't risk him getting infected too. But if they were negative, as they in fact were, then that meant they were free to do everything they'd been doing before and Neil wasn't sure he'd be able to handle that. Is this how Andrew felt before he met Neil? And how the hell had he managed to allow Neil to do so much to him, _with_ him?

Andrew cut through his inner distress with words as blunt as the knives he carried. "If you never want me to touch you sexually again, I won't"

"But then—"

“Surprising as it may be, that's not why I keep you around"

Silence fell between them after that and a bone deep exhaustion began to take place in his body. He was tired of second guessing himself and Andrew as well, he was tired of his own volatile feelings and he was tired of feeling like he was carrying the entire weight of what happened to him over his shoulders.

Andrew wasn't rejecting him and he wasn't pulling away either. Could Neil be so lucky that he'd be able to keep the blond in his life even after what happened that day? Neil wanted to break the silence, to thank Andrew for his acceptance and his support, but Andrew beat him to it when he turned hard eyes on him again and spoke first.

"Will you be okay with normal touch in general?" when Neil stared at him with confusion, he let out an annoyed sigh and added, "Don't make me spell it out. Hold your hand, touch your hair, stuff like that"

"Yeah, I think so. Yes" and just because he couldn't shake the need to address what had happened in the locker room, he called Andrew's attention though his own eyes were cast away in slight embarrasment. "Andrew, when we were in the locker room, when you… when you hugged me. I liked that”

Andrew didn't say anything else after that, but as the night turned darker and the cold threatened to make them start shivering, when they found their way back to their feet to start walking towards the door, Andrew held out his hand to stop him.

"Yes or no?" he asked and even though Neil didn't know what he was asking for, instinct took over and he nodded his head without hesitation.

“Yes”

Still, he gasped when Andrew took a step towards him and enveloped him in a hug.

They'd never done this before. Not even in the locker room, when all Andrew had been doing was hold him together while he fell apart piece by piece, they had never, ever, embraced.

His heart was beating wildly inside his chest, enough that he was worried Andrew could feel it with the way their chests were pressed together. And what was more, when Neil thought the unexpected hug would be as brief as it was sudden, Andrew wasn't letting go.

Neil's arms were hanging uselessly at his sides but he slowly twitched them forward and whispered into Andrew's ear. “Can I—?”

“Yes”

Neil inmediately latched on. He circled Andrew's back and pressed the other man closer to him still and somehow, suddenly, Neil weighted nothing. He didn't feel like falling, but he wasn't standing by himself anymore either and the discovery was both terrifying and comforting.

“Burrow me” Andrew suddenly said and Neil had to frown at the confusing words.

“What?”

“You said you didn’t belong to yourself. That you belonged to them” Neil had to strain his brain to recognize the words as something he'd said in the middle of his panic attack but he failed to understand why Andrew was bringing that up now.

When he also failed to give an answer, Andrew broke their embrace long enough to grab a hold of his chin and force him to maintain eye contact with him. Andrew wasn't a gentle person, but Neil thought perhaps what he needed right now wasn't gentle but a strong anchor that helped him stay on his feet amidst the shaky terrain of his feelings and thoughts.

Andrew's voice was hard and deep and Neil found himself clinging to every word.

“Until you feel like you own yourself again, burrow my ownership like you wanted me to borrow your Exy dream” Neil let out an inaudible gasp, not even daring to breathe until Andrew finished talking. “Be mine until you learn how to belong to yourself again”

“I— I..." he didn't know what to say.

“Yes or no, Neil?”

He supposed the answer was clear. As long as he breathed and as long as he lived, the answer would always be the same.

“Yes. Yes, Andrew. Yes”

**_END OF PART 1_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo.... what do you think? Was it too OC? Was it too sappy? I felt like I needed to give Neil some comfort after what happened in the last chapter and poor Andrew needed that hug as much as Neil did.
> 
> Did you notice how the chapter ended with “End of part 1”? That’s because this story is long from finished but at least this first part got some kind of closure with this chapter. Now that Andrew and Neil are on the same page, there’s still the matter of who hurt Neil and what’s gonna happen if they show up again.
> 
> I can’t promise a quick update for the next couple of months because I’m supposed to start writing my dissertation thesis and you can imagine how stressed I’m goin to be. But as soon as I have something new, I’ll post it!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on this story so far and maybe what you think will happen next or even what you want to see happening next. I can always make room for requests as long as they fit the bigger picture.
> 
> Thanks and until then: be safe!


	8. Anything you forgot to tell me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with this story! I promised I would keep working on it and here it is: the start of Part 2!
> 
> I’d like to thank everyone who read, left kudos and commented on the first part of this story. Your comments and your support has been amazing and I hope you continue to read this story now that the plot is finally here.
> 
> There will be more notes at the end of the chapter but, for now, enjoy your reading and let me know what you think of it!

**PART 2**

Neil felt lighter than he’d felt all week after his hug with Andrew on the roof. That is until five minutes later when they walked through the door of their room and found Kevin on the couch lazily watching some sitcom on the tv. That’s when Neil felt a wave of guilt hit him so strongly he halted on his step and made Andrew bump into him from behind.

He and Kevin locked eyes and, for once, the taller striker didn't say anything.

Andrew walked past them towards the bedroom, presumably to shower and change out of his practice uniform. He ignored them both.

For a moment, Neil stood unmoving by the door. He was caught between wanting to run back to the roof where it was safe and following Andrew to the bedroom where it was slightly safer than here.

"Are you better?" Kevin asked eventually from the couch after clearing his throat to get his attention, not that he'd needed to do that because Neil hadn't stopped staring at him. But Kevin wasn't looking at him anymore, instead keeping his eyes glued to the tv.

"Kevin..." he trailed off, not sure how to phrase what he knew he needed to say.

"Abby told me about your wrist. I think you're stupid for injuring it but I guess missing one game won't kill you"

For a moment, Neil was surprised. It was probably the first time since meeting the taller striker as adults that Neil didn't want to talk about exy with him. He didn't _care_ to talk about exy because there was something more urgent pressing at the tip of his tongue demanding to be let out.

He couldn't just brush this off. "I shouldn't have tried to hit you. I shouldn't have raised a racket at you"

Kevin shrugged and hugged one of the cushions closer to his chest, his eyes momentarily finding Neil's before quickly looking away again. "I shouldn't have pushed. I get that now. Will you tell me what's gotten into you lately?"

Neil tried to answer several times but his voice betrayed him and he had to consciously breathe evenly to avoid the easy trigger of his panic.

"No" he said at last, because if he ever found the courage to share with the team what had happened to him, it would certainly not be that day. Still, he could grow up enough to listen to Abby's advice at least once in his life. "But I could use your help with the team for a little while. I'm not... I'm not in a very good place right now"

"Fine. Don't take too long though, they don't like it when I'm in charge"

Which meant that as much as he bitched a moaned at everyone during practice, Kevin himself didn't like to be in charge because it created a wedge between him and the rest, since people tended to curse and insult him more than usual. The fact he was human enough to feel like that and admit it was surprising to Neil all on its own.

"Okay"

Finally Neil broke out of his frozen state by the door and approached the couch slowly. He raised a loose fist towards the other boy.

"We good?"

Kevin fist bumped him back and focused again on the show. "We're good"

And just like that, they were back to normal. If he thought about it, this was probably the most heartfelt conversation he'd had with the other boy, if you didn't count the time they'd both sat on the floor of the court and Neil had come clean about who he really was, but it was good to be back on even ground with Kevin. Despite everything, Neil considered him a friend and even though they weren't terribly emotional people, Neil could appreciate Kevin's presence in his life.

As agitated as the day had been, the rest of the night was uneventful.

Kevin fell asleep on the couch and neither Neil nor Andrew saw fit to wake him so he could sleep in his own bed. Neil also didn't want to read too much into the matter. Either Kevin didn't want to be in the same room as him still or he was giving Neil and Andrew some privacy. It wasn't unheard of after all.

Neil was laying on his back, his casted wrist resting over his stomach and the other arm cushioning his head over the pillow. For the first time that week he felt like the storm was finally passing. His body didn't hurt beyond the accumulated exhaustion and his mind was pleasantly filled with memories of Andrew on the roof, admitting they'd always been something more than nothing and then hugging him for the first and maybe only time in his life. Neil would be okay with that though, because he didn't think he'd ever forget the feeling of Andrew's arms not only holding him up but keeping him close on purpose. He sighed. The worst part was over.

Neil had been using the light of Andrew's phone while the other boy probably read or played a game with it to stare at the underside of his bunk, but when Andrew shut the phone off and jostled the bed while finding his usual position to sleep, the room was plunged into darkness, the shutters of the windows drawn down for a change.

"Goodnight Andrew" Neil said quietly into the darkness, not really expecting anything in return but still pleased when Andrew's voice filled the silence after his.

"G'night"

And Neil was able to sleep more than two hours that night.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The next morning, Neil didn't want to get out of bed. He was tired and he was sleepy, and the prospect of sitting through advanced calculus all morning was making his brain hurt already. Still, he managed.

It was a game day and if he couldn't be there for his team on the court as he should be, then at least he could walk around campus wearing as many orange garments as he owned. He decided to forego the sweat pants though for a pair of jeans, ratty and old but harder to pull down without resistance. In fact, now that he thought about it, he hadn't worn anything other than jeans all week, except during practice, but he didn't want to dwell too much on why. He knew why anyway.

His orange PSU jersey and his sportsbag instead of the backpack. He felt safer this way, closer to what he was good at even though it would be a few days before he could actually _do_ what he was good at.

Andrew walked him to class, not that that was anything new and soon Neil found himself lost in a sea of numbers and equations. Compared to what his mind had been filled with the days before, it was certainly a reprieve.

Then lunch came and all the tension Neil had managed to shed during the morning came rushing back when he spotted the table filled with foxes. Dan, Matt, Allison, Renee, Nicky and Kevin where there, the twins nowhere in sight, and once they saw him, Neil had no other choice than to join them.

"Neil, come on, there's a seat for you" Allison greeted while scooting over to make room for him.

He wasn't very fond of the idea of being pressed too close to anyone else right now, fox or no fox, so instead of sitting next to her, Neil asked for space between Kevin and Renee. She was usually better at respecting personal space and Kevin knew enough now to not croud him. Thankfully Allison didn't seem offended.

"We were talking about tonight's game" Kevin supplied and at Neil's nod, they went back to strategizing.

It was weird seeing everyone so involved in planning ahead of the game, and he felt guilty once again for not being able to play. He knew he was screwing with the system they had so he at least tried to be helpful in the conversation.

"Tonight you'll have to play more on the defense than the offense" he added awkwardly into the middle of Dan's speech about the upperclassmen putting on their big boys, and girls, pants to take on the brunt of the game, giving the freshmen some room to breathe.

It was Nicky who spoke next. "Matt and Aaron will play most of the game. They're the better backliners and so Andrew and Renee won't have to shoulder the game on their own"

Neil nodded, taking another small bite of his food.

"We agreed that I should play the whole game. Jack will start but if someone's getting subbed it'll be him"

Neil stared at Kevin with a frown on his face. "We haven't played entire games since last year Kevin"

"That doesn't mean I'm not fit to play one now"

"That's not what I— You don't have to— I'm..."

What? He was what? Sorry for not being strong enough to play now? Sorry for spiraling so out of control he'd taken himself out of the game with an injury? He was forcing Kevin into playing an entire game, taking the full responsibility of marking their goals for the entire. Damn. Game.

"Hey, relax" Dan offered. "It's not like Kevin won't jump at the opportunity of being tonight's star"

Kevin made an aknowledging noise and everyone else laughed. Neil let himself smile along with them. "Jack won't like it"

"Jack can suck it. When he's as good as you on the court, then he'll get a chance to play full games"

Neil's eyes widened and everyone else gasped. Allison was quick to recover though. "Kevin Day, was that a compliment?"

"That was definitely a compliment"

"Yes, I heard it"

"He can't take it back now"

"You hear that Kev? Can't take a compliment back"

"You made Neil blush!"

"I'm not blushing"

"Yes you are!"

"Shut up"

"Whatever" Kevin added after that and Neil felt his anxiety dissipating once more. These were the foxes, his foxes, and they knew how to overcome adversity better than anyone else. They could manage during the game.

Still, Neil couldn't let the opportunity pass without saying what he really needed to say.

"I already talked to Kevin about it but..." everyone quieted down when he spoke and Neil took a deep breath before continuing. "I didn't mean to snap at him or anyone else yesterday. I know that's not what a vice captain should do and I promise to reign it in next time something like that happens. I can't promise it won't because... well because... stuff, but I'll keep it quiet"

The table was silent for a moment after that.

Neil wasn't in the business of apologizing often, yet he'd found himself doing that a lot latetly. To Abby and Coach, to Andrew, to Kevin. It was probably a good thing Andrew wasn't even here right now because he had made himself clear on what he thought about Neil taking the blame for anything that had happened that week. Still, Neil tried.

Matt broke the silence first. "I rather you not reign it in if there's a next time"

"Huh?"

"Don't get me wrong" he was quick to add, staring unflinchingly at him. "What happened was a little disturbing and it must have sucked to be Kevin right then. Sorry Kevin. But it definitely beats you saying you're fine when you're obviously not. At least this way we can _know_ and, if anything, we should be the ones reigning ourselves in"

"I don't want you to act differently around me" Neil began to protest, but was cut off by Allison.

"Neil, honey" she began and he couldn't supress a flinch at hearing that word again directed at him. Memories of the hospital fighting to come forward again. "We know ourselves. We can be overbearing most of the time. It's what makes us us. If we don't know something's up with you, we might get thickheaded like Kevin did yesterday. Sorry Kev" she added and this time Neil's lips twitched at Kevin's eyeroll. "You don't have to tell us what's wrong but now that we know something is wrong, we can give you your space and avoid another Mount Vesuvius explosion. Okay?"

"I'm with Matt and Allison on this one" Renee added and everyone else nodded along.

For the second time in his life, Neil felt the overwhelming sense of belonging this group of missmatched people elicited in him. The first time being at the hotel in Baltimore when after everything, the lies, the pain, the danger, they were willing to fight the FBI to keep him.

They were so much more than a team.

"I'm not fine" he blurted out without much thought. "Fuck, I'm so fucking away from it right now that I don't know what to even say to you guys. I can't tell you why, and it's got nothing to do with my father or the mafia or anything that could put the team in danger, so you don't have to worry about that but I can't... I can't tell you"

Fuck that felt good, Neil thought when he let out the rest of his breath and his shoulders sagged. He wasn't used to sharing his problems with other people and even though the anxiety was definitely still there, the relief he felt right now was slightly more powerful.

"That's okay Neil. We get it"

"Just focus on yourself right now and we'll hold down the line until you're better"

Nicky and Dan said, and Neil knew they were holding themselves back from ruffling his hair like they would've done at any other time. "It won't take long. I promise"

"It doesn't matter how long it takes man, as long as you get there" Neil nodded at Matt in return and someone thankfully changed the subject after that.

Neil caught Kevin's eyes again for a moment and the taller striker nodded. They were still good.

By the time they made their way over to the Foxhole Court, Neil had a small smile playing on his lips, fueled by his friends' easy banter and made bigger by the sight of Andrew already waiting on the lounge, Aaron by his side. Not that seeing Aaron was anything to smile about, but still. Neil felt in as good spirits as he could possibly be after the week he'd had and the prospect of a game he wouldn't be able to play in.

"What the hell's gotten into you?" Andrew asked when Neil brushed past him towards the couch where the blond joined him a second later.

"Kevin complimented my game today"

Andrew huffed and rolled his eyes. "Junky"

Spending the afternoon cooped up in the lounge before a home game was usually a pretty boring experience. Everyone took the opportunity to work on their homework, study for an exam or gossip about anything and everything. Wymack had closed himself in his office with Kevin, probably to talk strategy and the freshmen had gravitated towards Nicky and Matt, who were in the middle of a staring competition while Allison managed the bets like the professional she already was in that area.

Neil felt safe here and with that safety, tiredness wasn't long to follow. He still had a lot of sleep to catch up on and since doing his calculus homework was totally out of the question right now, he decided to go to sleep.

"Hey" he called Andrew, who had been on his phone for a while now. "I'm going to take a nap. Could you keep watch?"

Andrew stared at the bags under his eyes and nodded with what Neil was pretty sure was approval. "I'll wake you if I have to"

Which meant no one would witness Neil getting a nightmare any time soon.

Neil nodded and slid down a bit to rest his head on the back of the couch. Before he closed his eyes, he saw Andrew reclining back as well and freeing one of his hands to nudge the back of Neil's own. When the pale and calloused palm was offered face up next to his own, Neil smiled stupidly and nodded again.

"Junky" Andrew murmured again at the same time he took a firm grip of Neil's hand.

Neil wasn't sure he'd be able to fall asleep now that his heart was beating in excitement, but it turns out sleep deprivation made it very easy to get past the butterflies in his stomach.

He woke up with a quiet start when Wymack rounded the group to head into the lockers. It was time for the game.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Neil wasn't used to being on the bench for long during games, but he could appreciate the vantage point of seeing things through an outsider's eye so he could spot and help his team work on their faults.

Aaron needed to figure out faster if the opposing strikers were left or right handed.

Matt needed to use his body to its full advantage during tackles.

Jack could actually be a pretty decent striker if he ever got past the attitude and could work on his speed a little more.

Everyone else had room for improvement as well. Some footwork here, some precision of the passes there. Nicky should learn to focus more and Dan was telegraphing her passes a little bit too much. And Andrew...

God... Neil was tempted to say that Andrew was perfect but he knew he wasn't and he also knew he was way beyond the point of being biased in his opinion. Andrew wasn't perfect and that was part of the reason Neil lo— liked him so much. Still, as a goalie, he was pretty damn near perfect. He hadn't completely shut down the goal, but he was keeping the other team's shots away from the home goal enough that Kevin and the striker on rotation could work on widening the point gap.

The foxes won by three goals.

Neil was relieved and he was proud. Despite all the work they still had ahead of them, the foxes had come such a long way. No one mocked them anymore and the other teams didn't think about them as an easy win. They were a force to be reckoned with.

"Dan and Kevin, you're on press duty" Coach called and then sent everyone else to the showers.

Neil didn't go in with them, opting to wait them out in the lounge and looking forward to another half full night of sleep. Heaven knew he needed it.

When eventually everyone made it out of the lockers, Neil was able to hear Nicky's whining. "What do you mean we're not going?"

Andrew kept walking though, ignoring his cousin. Neil had a pretty good idea what they'd been talking about.

He fell in line with the rest of the group headed for the Maserati. "No Eden's tonight?"

Andrew glanced briefly at him. "Do you want to go to Eden's?"

"No" he answered without hesitation.

"Then no Eden's tonight" Neil nodded.

"Oh, come on!" but no one paid Nicky or Aaron any mind.

Kevin, surprisingly, wasn't rooting for the night out. He must have been ready to drop dead after playing both halves of the game.

"You played well" Neil said awkwardly from the passenger seat and turning around towards Kevin, who merely nodded in aknowledgement.

"Are you two gonna start doing that now?" Aaron asked, who definitely hadn't escaped the group's retelling of Kevin no-one-else-is-perfect Day actually saying something good about someone else's game.

"What?"

" _Complimenting_ each other"

Neil shrugged. "You did a good job too Aaron. And you Nicky"

"Urgh Josten" Aaron spat in disgust and stared out the window for the rest of the drive.

Neil caught Andrew glancing suspiciously at him from behind the wheel, but Neil simply shrugged. He knew better than to try and compliment Andrew in front of the rest.

Neil was feeling good.

 _Fuck_ , Neil was feeling content for the first time in a week filled with panic and tears and humiliation. Despite wanting to sleep some more, he felt weirdly energized by the thought of moving on. Maybe after today, he'd be able to move on from last Sunday and maybe he and Andrew were heading towards a different, newer path of their relationship.

They had held hands that day. For as long as Neil had napped in the lounge couch, Andrew had _held his hand_ protectively and, maybe, affectionately? Okay, Neil was definitely _not_ hiding another stupid goofy smile on his face.

When they made it to the dorms, everyone filed out of the car with a tired drag of their feet, any thoughts of Eden and Columbia far from their minds now. Neil was debating whether to ask Andrew to join him on the roof but he figured the blond would've already told him if he wanted a smoke by the edge of the building. As it was, they had already passed the stairwell that connected them to the roof and Andrew hadn't said anything. Instead, he was the first one through the door.

He was also the first one to halt in his step and bend down to retrieve a small piece of paper that looked as if someone had slid it underneath their door.

"What is it?" someone asked but Neil had only eyes for Andrew.

Andrew, who was glaring at the piece of paper as if it had personally offended him. Andrew, who looked up to stare intently at Neil with something Neil couldn't quite decipher. Was it anger? Concern? Fear?

"Anything you forgot to tell me?" he asked in a dead voice while offering the paper to Neil.

He took it and looked down at the words written in messy handwriting staring back at him.

**_Games aren't the same without you, number 10_ **

And just like that, he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tan-tan-tan! 😈 And there you have it folks: plot!  
> With this chapter I wanted to give Neil a bit of a reprieve from all the drama so I gave him a super supportive lunch chat with the team and I got Andrew to hold his hand 😍 I wanted our baby to indulge in some fluff before the big bomb got dropped there at the end...  
> By the way, cliffhanger much? I’m evil. I know. Let me know what you guys think is gonna happen next or what you would like to see happening next. Also, did you like the chapter?  
> . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  
> Now, I’d like to take the chance to invite you guys to head over to another story I posted recently. It’s called “The Foxhole Force” and I’m super excited about sharing the work with you guys.  
> Remember when I said I was working on an AU of biblical proportions? Well, there it is! If you could go give it a chance, you would make one writer’s heart incredibly happy ♥️
> 
> Anyway... that’s it for now. See you soon!


	9. They did

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I wasn’t planning on updating so soon but this morning the muse struck hard and this little chapter came out. I figured you guys wouldn’t mind such a quick update so here it is! 
> 
> Remember that chapters will be jumping between Neil’s and Andrew’s perspectives. I don’t necessarily have an order for it and I also don’t point out who’s PoV I’ll be using in a chapter but I think it’s pretty easy to spot out anyway. Also, maybe some day I’ll give the first person PoV a chance again but, for now, we’ll stick with the third person PoV.
> 
> I don’t think there are new warnings for this chapter beyond the discussion of everything that’s already happened, so that should be a warning on itself.
> 
> Thank you for the comments and I hope you like this!

"What does it say?" Nicky asked, ever the curious cat, but Andrew wasn't about to have this conversation with an audience.

"What are you still doing here?"

"We were gonna drink something since we can't go to Eden's" his cousin explained but Andrew was already moving a half step closer to Neil, who was frozen in state re-reading the note.

"We were?" asked Aaron but Nicky didn't have time to answer back.

"Drink in your room" Andrew ordered.

"Fine, but what does the note say?"

It was Neil who finally looked up from the small piece of paper and answered in a monotone voice he'd probably learned from him. "Nothing"

"Neil" Kevin prompted, some kind of silent conversation taking place between the strikers.

"It's nothing" Neil repeated more firmly and the taller idiot turned to him.

"Andrew?"

"It's nothing" he parroted, making everyone else sigh in exasperation.

Someone, anyone, maybe even Nicky himself, read into the tone of his voice enough to stop all complaints and do as he'd said barely a minute ago.

"Okay, be all secretive and stuff. We're leaving. Kevin?" despite being ready to drop dead on his feet, Kevin nodded and followed everyone out. If they were lucky, the alcoholic bastard would crash in the others' room as well.

Andrew and Neil were alone.

Andrew really, really, didn't want a repeat of Neil's violent outburst yesterday. He needed to approach the situation _tactfully_ , because he could already see something was very wrong in Neil's deadened stare.

"Do you know who sent it?"

Neil nodded carefully, clinically. "They did"

Andrew didn't like the sound of that.

"They did" the blond repeated, asking without asking who the hell they were because when it came to Neil, it could be anyone from the fucking japanese mafia to a delusional secret admirer. Maybe the Moriyamas hadn't liked Neil skipping a game after all and decided to send a threat, though they usually did that in person and didn't waste any opportunity to call him by his real name. Wesninski.

But Neil didn't say anything else. Instead, he put away the note in his pocket and walked towards the window to shakily pull it open enough to smoke a cigarette. The fact he actually smoked it instead of just inhaling it was telling enough.

Andrew let the silence go for all of one minute, because Neil's shaking hand was grating on his nerves the wrong way.

"Neil, what aren't you telling me?" for a moment, it looked like his question was going to be ignored and he was ready to bark out Neil’s name to snap him out of it when the words burst out of Neil in a long and dangerously fast tirade.

"They know me, okay? They know who I am, they knew that night, I didn't remember until now. They... _Jesus fucking Christ_ they know who I am! They knew my name and they knew my number and fuck they know where I live! It has to be them, they told me— and they know now— What if they—?

"Calm the fuck down" so much for tactfulness.

Neil did shut up, if only to make his breathing go back to normal.

As usual when it came to Neil, Andrew wanted to do a lot of things in that moment. He wanted to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes himself, he wanted to call Bee and tell her he was having way too many emotions rolling around in his mind. He wanted to stand by Neil's side, take his damn hand and stop it from shaking so bad. He wanted to rip the fear away from eyes because the only other time he'd seen the idiot so scared was when talking about his father and Andrew was not about to let a pair of lowlife scumbags become that much of an influence in his life. He also wanted to find the bastards and rip them apart limb by limb. But to do that, he had to catch them first.

"Should we involve the police?" he asked after a while. Asked, because he was being tactful.

Neil's answer was predictable. "No" not that Andrew had actually wanted to involve the police at all. In his experience, all everyone did was blame the victim.

_Why were you running so late at night?_

_Why were you alone?_

_Why didn't you file a report sooner?_

_Are you sure you don't know who they are?_

_Are you sure it wasn't your boyfriend? Your boyfriend? Your boyfriend!?_

Those were just some of the questions he could imagine a police officer asking behind a desk, a notepad and a disapproving expression.

"Call your uncle then"

"I am _not_ going to call my uncle" well, at least that got a reaction. "I'm not going to tell him what happened to me"

His words were final. "Then what do you suggest?"

"Fuck if I know!"

Eventually the itch for a nicotine drag had him perching on the desk Neil was currently sitting on, knees tucked into his chest with his second cigarette between unsteady fingers.

"Give me that" he demanded, pointing at the lighter near his feet. Neil kicked it over to him.

It was late. Andrew himself was feeling the effects of the game on his body even if his mind was racing three hundred miles a second. He let out an annoyed sigh because an active mind, his mind, in a tired body usually never bode well for him at night. The day had been good. He hadn't minded physical contact much and no one had roped him into long conversations. Neil had finally looked like he was getting more sleep and he'd fucking smiled again that day. That stupid, goofy, carefree, completely not attractive smile of his. Well, he was definitely not smiling now.

"Andrew, I don't want anyone else to know what happened"

And Andrew nodded because what else could he do? He hadn't wanted anyone to know about him either and if there was one thing, just one thing, he would always, always regret, was telling Luther about what Drake had done to him. At least he could have saved himself the pain of no one believing his words.

Later he would blame the stupid game for his tiredness and how long it took for his brain to latch into the real issue at hand. Neil’s assailants had known him from the beginning, which meant his attack hadn’t been random but premeditated. Neil had been targetted.

"You're not leaving my sight from now on. I'll drop you off and pick you up from class, and you will keep your damn phone charged and with you at all times. Agreed?"

"Yes"

"If this happens again" he started, gesturing vaguely to the door. "I'll fucking do something about it"

Neil nodded and pulled out the note from his pocket. He played with it absentmindedly until Andrew reached out and plucked it from his fingers. He committed the words and the handwriting to memory.

"They called me that" Neil said after a while. He'd already stopped smoking but Andrew still had a lit cigarette in his hand. He was smoking it slowly, forcing his mind to slow down as well and leaving the cigarette burning long enough between drags for Neil to still get a kick out of smelling it. Kevin would probably kill them for the smell, but what did Andrew care? "That night, when they let me go. Run along now, number 10. They said..."

"What?"

"They said there'd be a next time. Why the hell didn't I remember that until now?"

Andrew's brain activity spiked again after that. "What exactly did they say?"

"They said I— That I wanted... that I wanted _more_ and then they said maybe next time. Do you know what that means? And now they know where I live, they've been on campus. They were here!" he said, gesturing to the room around them. "They could've been at the fucking game. They could be anyone for all I know. What if I fucking know them? Why if they actually try again? What if—?"

"Hey!" the blond burst out, refraining himself from reaching a hand to the back of Neil's neck more for his sake than Neil's. He wasn't sure where he stood on physical contact right now after the new information that had just been dumped on him. "Did you not just listen to me? You're not leaving my sight again. I am not going to let anyone else touch you and I'll kill anyone who tries"

"Andrew, last year—"

"I don't need a fucking deal to protect you" he spat next and Neil thankfully shut his mouth after that.

Things were different now. A moment ago Andrew thought all he would have to deal with was some sick cheap shot tricks designed to fuck with Neil's mind.

He'd even entertained the idea for a second that some rival team had sent those people to assault Neil and then mess with his head to mess with his game. The idea wasn't out of the realm of possibility yet, but what Neil had said changed things drastically. Now Andrew didn't just have to protect his boyfriend's psyche, he had to protect him from a possible second attack? Andrew was furious. He was downright murderous and for the first time in a long time, he thought he'd actually be capable of murder if he ever came across Neil's assailants. He didn't get to kill his father, he didn't get to kill Riko, he might as well just get the chance to kill these bastards.

"Would you recognize them if you saw them again?"

To his credit, the redhead actually took the time to consider his question but Andrew was disappointed when he shook his head no. "I don't think they covered their faces but they knocked me in the head pretty fast and everything they did, they did it from behind. It was dark and after they were done I was too out of it to notice any details"

He sounded apologetic, his neck and cheeks taking on an embarrassed red tint, but Andrew didn't chastise him for it. He recognized pretty quickly that it was the first time since it happened that Neil spoke with some amount of detail about that night while keeping a straight face about it.

"I could probably recognize their voices though. At least, I think I could. But what good would that do?"

Andrew thought about it for a while.

It was nearing midnight already and the bright light inside the dorm was contrasting starkly with the night sky beyond the window and the dark bags underneath Neil's eyes.

"Go to sleep" he commanded, stubbing the last of his cigarette and throwing it out the window.

"I don't want to" and didn't he sound like a petulant child?

"You need to"

"If I go to bed now I'll just lay awake all night thinking about it"

"You're gonna drive yourself to exhaustion again"

"I don't care"

"Neil"

" _You_ go to sleep" he said pettily and Andrew gave up. Fine. Fucking fine! That’s what he wanted to yell. Instead, he began walking towards the bedroom. "You played well tonight, by the way. You always do"

Andrew halted in his step to turn around and send a glare Neil's way. "Fucking idiot" but he was rewarded with the ghost of a smile on full yet pale lips.

Once inside the room, Andrew changed and made sure to stash the dangerous note under his pillow next to his knives. He wouldn't be forgetting that handwriting any time soon and he wouldn't mind dreaming tonight about the moment he dug his knives into its owner's skin.

The room was silent and plunged into darkness but Andrew still rolled his eyes at Neil when the childish young adult made his way into the room not five minutes later, changing out of his clothes and getting silently into bed himself.

At Neil's lack of words, Andrew contemplated saying something because for reasons yet unknown to him, he was turning soft in his old age and he wanted Neil to sleep and he wanted Neil to sleep peacefully and he fucking wanted to say goodnight to him like they'd been doing every night without fail since the start of the school year. But Andrew refused to cave in first. Neil was always the one who said it first, Andrew merely just humoring him out of boredom or something like it. But would Neil say anything this time? Could their last words in the livingroom be considered a fight? Was Neil mad? And just what the hell did Andrew care?

But who was he kidding anymore? Certainly not Neil and wasn't it past time he stopped trying to kid himself too?

Andrew sighed inaudibly and the room remained silent for a long while. It did sound like a fight.

But yet again, it was them, so maybe it wasn't that at all.

"Goodnight"

"Goodnight"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize these past couple of chapters are shorter than they used to be in Part 1, but maybe you’d like shorter chapter and quicker updates? I don’t know... for the first time in my life I’m kind of writing this as I go without a complete outline beforehand, so some chapters will be long, others will be short. I don’t think they will get any shorter than this though.
> 
> I’m sorry for all the rambling. I really hope you’re liking the direction this story is taking and any ideas, suggestions and requests are always welcome. 
> 
> See you on the next chapter!


	10. Fact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: (spoiler alert!) mentions of suicide and semi graphic description of it? I’m not really sure it counts but I’ll put the warning out there just in case. Don’t worry! No one we know dies, it just happens kind of in the background?

The next two days were pretty uneventful. A week had already gone by since his assault last Sunday and though Neil didn't feel remotely back to normal, at least physically he felt fine. No more lingering pains or crawling of his skin when standing too close to anyone else. His wrist was already much better and he was hoping Abby would let him start practices again soon. Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday.

Coming home to find the note slid under their door though had been like a rough awakening, the giant target on his back both familiar and terrifying. For the past two days, Neil had found himself wondering, amazed and a little confused just how the hell he'd managed to survive that long with his father on his trail. Twelve years he was on the run, twelve years with the promise of a slow and painful death at the end of a knife. Twelve fucking years.

How the hell was he still sane?

But he supposed the answer was right there. He had been _surviving_ , not living. No. He'd started living the moment he picked up a racket and turned into Neil Josten, a newly discovered striker in Millport. He'd started living when he signed a contract and joined a Class I exy team. He dared start living again the moment he met Andrew Minyard.

But he'd gotten so comfortable so fast that now he didn't know how he was supposed to keep it together under the threat of another assault.

 _You like it. I know you do._ Words that would never leave his brain.

Neil could handle a lot of things. He could handle his skin burning and being torn to shreds. He could handle rough tackles and slams against plexiglass walls. He could handle pain. He could not, apparently, handle another life sentence. Another countdown.

At least last time he'd had a number, a daily text message to remind him how much time he had left to live. Now he had nothing but his own overactive imagination and a boyfriend who was doing nothing to settle his fried nerves.

And that was the worse part, wasn't it? That Andrew was the one taking it so badly. He didn't show it, of course he didn't show it, at least not to everyone else but Neil knew because the way Andrew portrayed himself now was the same way he'd survived for most of those twelve years: constantly looking over his shoulders, double-checking the lock on windows and doors, glancing at everyone that walked by too close and refusing to leave his side for even a second.

Neil didn't think it was fair that the blond had to succumb to paranoia, justified as it may be, because of him but he was also so fucking relieved it was hard to side with guilt on this one. If he had to go into surviving mode again, he really didn't want to do it alone.

The silent buzz of his phone inside his pocket had him zooming back in on his surroundings.

_*Be there in five*_

_*Ok*_

_*Do not leave without me*_

_*I know*_

Neil had been in class for two hours now pretending to be paying attention to the lecture when in reality he’d been evaluating all of his life choices recently. Clinging to a cellphone as desperately as he was now was only a small proof that things had gone off rail awfully fast. Just last week he still struggled with remembering to charge it, now all he could think about was how Andrew was only one text away whenever they couldn’t be together. But Neil wasn’t about to let him miss his own classes for his sake and it’s not like his attackers would try anything in the middle of a classroom full of students, right?

He sure hoped so.

Professor Díaz dismissed them after giving them even more asignments and Neil took his time putting his things away into the backpack. He watched everyone rush out of the room desperate and happy to be done with morning classes, a small size mass of students filling out in search of either lunch or a quick nap. He watched them all from the last row of seats, refusing to go into the pool of bodies trying to fit through the door. The classroom would remain empty through lunch, so there was no one to rush him out.

When the last person walked out the door, Neil finished zipping the bag and the next time he looked up, Andrew was there.

“You don’t have to leave class early to be here on time” he said offhandedly as he joined him by the door and left the classroom behind.

“I didn’t” the blond replied, which meant he was on time because he hurried, because he cared.

“Okay, where to now?”

They were already on their way to the dorms, but Neil wanted something to talk about. He didn’t mean to distract Andrew from his vigilance but he really didn’t want the blond to fall into Neil’s own old habits. Andrew’s gaze was constantly moving and even though he couldn’t feel it because Andrew wouldn’t touch him, he knew there was a protective hand splayed at the small of his back, guiding him forward without really doing so.

But Andrew didn’t answer right away, instead, he stopped for a moment and fixed him with a hard hazel gaze. “This isn’t a joke”

And exactly what part of what he’d said was one? “I know that, what are you talking about?”

Andrew just stared at him and for once in a very long time, Neil couldn’t quite decipher what that look meant. “Nothing”

Andrew kept walking.

“Andrew?”

The blond didn’t took off, because he was making a point of keeping Neil in sight at every minute, but he was avoiding his gaze by looking at everyone else.

After the next several feet, Neil remembered that this was one of Andrew’s tells when he was upset. He tended to not make much sense because he tried to jam a lot of meaning into very few words and he communicated mostly through one word sentences. Couple that with his slightly hunched shoulders when he usually carried himself with arrogant confidence and you get an Andrew that was feeling vulnerable and was too stubborn to admit it. If you added his wild searching eyes into the mix, you risked getting an anxious Andrew as a result.

 _Shit._ Neil thought when the realization hit him.

 _Shit, shit, shit_.

Andrew was anxious. He should’ve been able to pick it up sooner when the blond had dropped him off before walking to his own classroom.

_*Room 312*_

_*Next building over*_

_*Be done in an hour*_

Andrew hadn’t needed to send him all those texts because Neil knew his schedule like the back of his hand, and it wasn’t like him to send messages mid-lecture because contrary to what everyone else believed, Andrew did care about his degree and he actually paid attention in class. But Neil could see it now. Andrew was having an anxiety attack. A quiet one, an Andrew-like anxiety attack but an attack non the less.

Since the moment that note had made it under their door, Andrew and Neil had been inseparable but since they spent every weekend together anyway, none of them had taken into account that they had different classes and different teachers in different buildings. Was Andrew feeling something like separation anxiety? Neil thought that would be a first.

Actually, scratch that. That would be a second, because Neil hadn’t been there to witness his reaction after he got whisked away to Baltimore, but the others had described it to him in detail the weeks after that. Agitated, brisk, violent, quiet. Anxious.

Neil couldn’t be there to help him then, but he’d be damned if he didn’t do something now. Andrew was suffering on his account and the least he could do was offer reasurance even though he wasn’t feeling particularly peachy himself. At least he’d lived through the promise of pain before.

“Hey” he called, slowing down until Andrew had no other choice but to stop, keeping his eyes trained on everything that moved.

They were still inside the building, in the middle of a sea of students, and Neil couldn’t keep the image of a staged riot out of his mind. Was Andrew thinking about that too? Was he waiting for someone to snatch Neil away again?

“Andrew” when the blond’s eyes finally landed on him, Neil put his hand up between them, palm facing up, a clear invitation for Andrew to take it. He didn’t ask. He waited patiently for the blond to come to a decision on his own.

When he did, Andrew took the offered hand and laced their fingers together, keeping a tight grip on Neil and resuming their walk with a less hurried pace.

Neil’s ears grew hot for a second, but the weight of Andrew’s grip on his own was too comforting for the sensation to last. They weren’t very affectionate people. They kissed and talked in each other’s ears and ran hands through hair and bodies alike but always in the privacy of their room. Not even Kevin had seen them kissing once, and he lived with them. The only ever public display of affection they’d had was Friday before the game, when they’d held hands for the first time and Neil wasn’t even sure anyone else managed to see their intertwined hands between their bodies.

Now they were surrounded by dozens of unfamiliar faces in a place as public as it could get and they were holding hands. If he was someone who cared about that sort of thing, Neil guessed this would be like the equivalent of coming out for them. So what if other people saw them? What if they knew they were two guys and that they were together? Neil didn’t care about anyone other than Andrew and if Andrew had agreed to taking his hand in public, then he was okay with other people knowing about them. Andrew didn’t do anything he really didn’t want to after all.

“I’m not joking” Neil said when they walked out of the building. Andrew didn’t say anything back, because when he was upset he kept a tight lid on his words, but he nodded and pulled his hand to bring them just that much closer. Neil didn’t complain.

Lunch and the rest of the afternoon were quiet affairs. They’d decided to cook and eat in silence, Neil retiring to the bedroom after that for a much needed nap. He was still catching up on all the sleep he’d missed last week and he took advantage of the time before afternoon practice, which was one of the most boring practices Neil had ever attended to.

Things went like this:

Coach told Neil to sit in his office and take some notes on a game from the team they’d be playing against that week. Andrew refused to go on court unless he had eyes on Neil at all times. Coach threatened to kick them both out of practice and Andrew was entirely too good with that, so eventually Coach relented and let Neil sit through practice by the stands. But having nothing to do while everyone else played the sport he loved was _boring_ , and he couldn’t even distract himself with Andrew’s game because the other boy wasn’t even trying. He was just standing next to the goal, not even in it, and letting every shot go through undefended. Dan was in charge of practice but it was Kevin who was running everyone to the ground, oddly not sparing Andrew a single glance. Maybe he’d learned his lesson not to mess with either Andrew or Neil in that particular moment. Still, everyone knew that had Andrew been on goal, none of the other’s shots would have gone through, which only made Kevin push harder at everyone else. Neil appreciated what the taller striker was doing for him, taking point on practice and helping Dan by filling in Neil’s spot as vice captain. He would make sure to thank him once things went back to normal.

But Neil should’ve appreciated the boring afternoon while he’d had it, for he should’ve known three days had been more than a reprieve for him since the events of Friday night.

Once practice was over and everyone was walking out of the court towards the locker rooms, Coach came in from the direction of the lounge and singled Neil out with a look.

“Something just came in for you” he said and though the freshmen were more than happy to ignore them all and keep walking towards the locker rooms, the upperclassmen and everyone of Neil’s friends stopped at hearing Coach’s words.

“What is it?” Neil asked, throat suddenly dry.

“Looks like a gift”

Neil swallowed and followed Coach into the lounge, Andrew suddenly by his side and the rest of the foxes filing in step behind them. They all knew Neil didn’t have anyone outside PSU, not really, and the only other gift he’d received since arriving here had been nothing but a cruel bloody taunt to his identity. If someone was sending Neil anything, then it could only mean something dangerous.

But whatever Neil had been expecting to find (a box with a bloody body part inside? An envelope from the japanese mafia saying they’d changed their minds?) it sure as hell wasn’t a basket wrapped in colorful paper with a giant ribbon at the top.

“The hell is that?” Aaron asked somewhere behind them and everyone huddled closer to see.

The basket was on the couch, so Neil took the few remaining steps and reached for the thing without much hesitation. If the ribbon was going to explode and cover him in pig blood, he might as well just get it over with.

But nothing happened when he touched the colorful decoration beyond the wrapping paper falling away to reveal the contents inside.

They were… oddly ordinary, though everyone that knew Neil could tell the gifts were thought specifically for him. There were three different packets of fresh fruit salad, a few energy sport drinks and an iced black coffee to put on the fridge. They were all things he genuinely liked, which made it all the more disturbing for him. Worst of all though, was the brand new orange bandana resting on top of the fruit salads. It was just like the ones he used to keep the hair away from his eyes during practice and games.

There was also a white envelope amidst all the gifts that Neil only noticed because Andrew fished it from the basket. But before the blond could open it, Neil made a grab for it. They wrestled over the paper like kindergarden children for about two seconds because Neil finally managed to rip it from Andrew’s grasp with a vicious pull.

When Andrew made to rip it right back from him, Neil held up a hand to stall him. “Andrew, no”

The blond stopped immediately to glare at him clearly annoyed. But this whole basket was addressed to Neil damn it and if there was something potentially dangerous waiting inside the envelope like the note under their door, then he would be the damn first one to see it. Andrew relented, if only to walk around him and stand at his side to peer over his shoulder at the thing.

Neil sighed and ripped open the envelope.

The anticipation was palpable inside the lounge, even Wymack was curious enough to not bark at everyone to get to the showers.

Inside the envelope there a was picture of himself that upon closer inspection, Neil recognized as a shot from a game a couple of months ago that had made it into the sports section of the campus magazine. He glanced at Andrew out of the corner of his eye and the blond was glaring at the picture with nothing short of hostility in his eyes.

“So?” Dan asked. “What does it say?”

Neil contemplated ignoring her but he assumed the less they knew, they more nosy they would get. “Would you sign it?”

“What?”

“ _Would you sign it?_ That’s what it says” Neil replied, turning the photo around so everyone else could see the message written in thick black marker at the bottom of the picture.

After a beat of silence, everyone broke out laughing.

“Oh my God, Neil. Do you know what this means?” Allison said after getting her breath back to which Neil only rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure you’re about to enlight me”

“You have a secret admirer!”

Everyone squealed at the news and huddled even closer together to stare at the picture Neil had let Dan take from his hand. Some of them went over to the gift basket to go through the items inside.

When the picture made it to Aaron’s hands, the blond let out a grimace. “Disgusting”

“You’re just jealous that Neil gets all the attention” Matt jabbed at him and Allison was the next to reply.

“You’re all jealous Neil plays better than all of us put together”

“I think if someone’s jealous, it’s Andrew. Look at his face”

“Nicky…”

“Andrew, come on, don’t look so sullen. We all know Neil is all yours”

“Whoever sent this doesn’t seem to know that”

“It’s not like they have to be in love with Neil, they could just like exy that much”

“Nobody likes exy that much. Unless it’s Kevin. Kevin, did you send the basket to Neil?”

“Fuck off”

“Guys, but seriously, how awesome is this? Our own secret admirer!”

“You mean Neil’s secret admirer”

“Ah, technicalities. Neil’s got a secret admirer so the team has a secret admirer”

“I don’t think that’s how it works”

“Coach, you saw who brought it, do you know who it is?”

“Unless it’s the middle age lady from the currier company, I’m afraid I can’t help you”

“What company did they use?” Neil finally intervened and everyone seemed to remember that the object of their gossiping was standing right there with them. After Wymack rattled off the name, the rest of the team descended upon Neil.

“Do you have any idea who it might be?”

He did.

“Does the note from the other day have anything to do with this?”

It does.

“What note?”

“Neil got a note under the door after the game but they wouldn’t let us see it”

“It’s none of your business” Neil declared when more questions about the note followed.

“Oh, come on Neil. Why aren’t you excited about this? I think it’s really flattering”

“It’s creepy, that’s what it is”

“I’m with Aaron on this one” Neil said right after the blond had spoken and a few gasps were heard among the group.

“Now, _that’s_ creepy”

“But, I mean, a _secret admirer_ …”

The foxes continued to gush about how incredible having a secret admirer was and bets started flying left and right on how many gifts Neil would receive from now on or how long it would take for them to find out who it was. Everyone was so happy about it, laughing and treating it as this big hilarious event.

But Neil wasn’t laughing and neither was Andrew.

Neil locked eyes with his boyfriend and he could understand why everyone had mistaken the fire behind his eyes as jealousy. But Neil knew better than that because they both knew the truth behind the gift. And it might even have nothing to do with Neil’s attackers at all. For all they knew, the note under their door and the men’s parting words could’ve been a coincidence. This whole secret admirer thing might even be legit and completely unrelated to the events of last week. But neither Andrew nor Neil believed that. Neil’s luck was just too rotten to be mere coincidence.

When the excitement still hadn’t died down after almost fifteen minutes, Coach put his foot down and finally sent everyone either to the showers or out of the stadium. He didn’t get paid any extra time after all.

“Locker room” Andrew growled in his ear and Neil resigned himself to wait for the others to be ready inside the stuffy room.

It was innevitable that the freshmen found out about the gift basket and the secret admirer theory, but thankfully they knew better than to get on board with the upperclassmen’s excitement or bets about the matter. Even Jack kept his thoughts to himself even if he did eye the basket distastefully on his way out the lounge.

For his part, Neil didn’t even want to touch the thing. But once everyone was ready to go, he picked up the offending item and threw it in the dumpster on his way out.

“What are you doing!?” Nicky bellowed as if Neil had thrown away his favorite sweater.

“I don’t want it”

“You could have at least saved the fruit or something” Kevin added while Neil continued to glare at anyone who dared make another comment about it.

“Jeez, you’re no fun”

But of course Neil was no fun, because none of this was funny but the only other person who got that was Andrew and they’d already communicated with each other between silent pointed looks and they’d agreed that this whole thing was creepy and worrisome and not fucking funny at all.

Thinking back on Friday’s note, Neil remembered Andrew saying that the next thing something like that happened, he would do something about it. But what exactly could they do if they had no idea who they were up against? So far the only idea he’d had was calling the currier company and asking who’d sent the basket, asuming the order wasn’t placed anonimously or under a fake name. And it’s not like Neil wanted to actively search for the guys that assaulted him because what was he supposed to do if he found them? What would Andrew do if they found them?

Neil let out a heavy sigh and made his way towards the car.

He’d been so ready to let everything go. Up until Friday night he’d resigned himself to struggling with human contact and maybe intimacy again, but he’d been ready to let go of the fact there was nothing either of them could do to get back at the fuckers who had touched him. Neil had meant it every time he’d said it: he wouldn’t go to the police. But what if he got jumped again? What if he found out who they were? He supposed it’d be too late to file a report then.

When Andrew drove them all the way to Fox Tower and they weaved they way through the parking lot, Neil realized he really, really, shouldn’t have complained about his boring afternoon.

The ambulance at the foot of the building was pretty hard to miss, and so were the lights from the two patrol cars parked right next to it. Students were piled around the entrance in various states of distress and clothes and the foxes could only clash against the chaos with their after practice attire. They climbed out of the car and joined the rest of their team that had made it to the Tower minutes before them.

“What the hell is going on?” Kevin asked, though out of all of them, he was the one who got a better look of what was happening by peering above their heads. As much as Neil strained his neck or stood on the tip of his toes, he couldn’t see the entrance of the building clear enough.

“Guys, what is it?” one of the girls asked but no one really had an answer for that.

Andrew walked until he could reach the crowd and nudged a guy hardly on the shoulder. “You. What’s going on?”

The guy seemed like he was about to protest the rude call but thought better of it when he saw Andrew’s impassive face. “Someone died”

“Who?”

“I don’t know but they’re saying it was a senior from the football team” Andrew went back to the group without as much as a thank you.

A collective gasp brought everyone’s attention back to the entrance of the building and Neil swallowed a wave of annoyance at not being able to see what was going on.

“They’re bringing someone out in a body bag” Kevin relayed and the rest resolved to whispering among themselves after that.

Fox Tower hadn’t been the focus of negative attention since the destroyed cars incident from last year, so it was a bit unnerving watching all the police activity and the hussle from the side. Had it been an accident? A murder?

“He killed himself” they heard someone say over to their right. “Fucker cut his own wrists. The poor bastard could have waited until…” the voice drifted off as the guy lead his friends away from the crowd.

“At least this time it wasn’t one of you, eh losers?” someone sneered at them and Matt had to physically restrain Allison from scratching the guy’s eyes out.

“Come say that to my face you fucking asshole!”

The stupid idiot didn’t dare.

They had to wait for another hour until the police cleared away from the scene and they could go into their dorms. The elevator was packed, so up they went using the stairs and by now it wasn’t really surprising that Andrew took his hand amidst the sea of students fighting to get up to their rooms.

“I heard it was Johnny, from the first floor” someone said.

“Roommates found him in the bathroom”

“Why do you think he did it?”

Neil tuned them out after that. He wasn’t really interested in hearing someone else’s reasons to off their own life.

The foxes went their separate ways once they reached their floor but it took some time for the excitement in the halls to die down.

Neil supposed there’d be a big announcement the next day and a memorial set up for the football player near the field. It was what they’d done for Seth after all, and the fallen striker had been way less popular than this Johnny character seemed to be if the tearstained faces of everyone on the first floor were anything to go by.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, Neil really couldn’t give a fuck about a football player he’d never seen or heard of before. As long as the police hadn’t been there for any of his foxes, then he was just a bit annoyed at the delay getting into their dorms. He still had a lot of things to think about, starting with the photo he’d kept from the gift basket. He knew Andrew had kept the note from Friday and he wanted to compare the handwriting for himself. If they matched, then his theory would be proven, not that he really needed the evidence since he had a hunch it was all connected anyway.

Thankfully, Kevin wasn’t one for much gossip, so soon enough he and Andrew found themselves alone in the living room, one beanbag each, and holding both pieces of paper between them.

“They’re the same” Neil said, stating the obvious and waiting for Andrew to break his silence and say something about it.

“We need to find out who they are”

Neil was afraid he’d say something like that. “How? It’s not like we can go around comparing the notes to everyone’s handwriting”

“It’d be a start”

Neil stared at him. “You’re not serious”

“You’re not listening”

“We’re not gonna compare this note against the whole world’s handwriting”

Andrew looked at him as if _he_ was the one not making sense right now, but then again, maybe Neil shouldn’t have forgotten what Andrew was actually majoring in. “Facts: we know they’ve been on campus at least once, we know they had a copy of last month’s campus magazine issue, we have the name of the company they used to send the basket, we have their handwriting and we know their obssesion. Assumptions: they’ve been to our games at least once, they saw last Friday’s game and they don’t know we’re together or they would know better than to mess with what’s mine”

“Okay, genius, how does that help us actually narrow it down? It could still be anyone”

Andrew shrugged and put away the note and the picture. “Assumption: they’re gonna try ag—”

But he was interrupted by a knock on the door. A second later, a small piece of paper was slid under their door.

Andrew threw himself up in a instant, Neil quick to follow in stride.

The blond didn’t waste time picking up the note, leaving Neil to take it instead, and yanking the door wide open with a knife in each hand, but the hallway was empty.

“Andrew!” Neil called when his boyfriend dashed forward and ran down the stairs trying to catch whoever had left the note.

When Neil finally caught up to him, it was on the first floor and he had one of the grieving football players by the throat against the wall.

“Did you see anyone run out of here?” he asked in a vicious voice and the guy paled under the glint of the knives.

“Y-yes, a guy, just before you showed up”

“What did he look like?”

“I don’t know man, he was tall?” Andrew pushed him harder against the wall and the guy put up his arms in surrender. “Look, I just lost my roommate dude, I don’t care about whatever you’ve got going on here”

Neil decided to intervene before things escalated. “Andrew, let him go”

The blond did after a full minute and the football player scurried over to one of the dorms.

“So I’m guessing you didn’t see anyone?”

Andrew glowered at him and sheated the knives back into his armbands. “What does the note say?

Neil’s attention was brought back to the piece of paper in his hand and he stood next to the blond so they could read it together.

**_You’re welcome_ **

Neil assumed it meant the gift basket and he wished whoever sent this note had seen him throw the thing in the trashcan earlier. But of course that would mean that the person was actually within watching distance of him that afternoon and that wasn’t a thought Neil was ready to stomach right then.

He startled a little when Andrew ripped the note from his hands and marched up the stairs towards their dorm to put the paper among their growing collection. It was, of course, the same handwriting.

“Fact” Andrew said with a murderous glare on his face before they settled on the beanbags again. “They’re going to die”

And Neil didn’t find it in himself to contradict him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn’t really sure about how this chapter turned out but I wanted to power through it because I needed it to get to the next exciting stuff (and believe me, exciting stuff is coming) so here you have it.  
> I’d love to know if you have any theories of your own about what’s going on or what’s gonna happen next. Any guesses? Ideas? Requests?   
> Also, thank you to everyone who’s commented or left kudos in this story... you brighten my day and motivate me to keep going.  
> :)


	11. Andrew!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope this year brings you all happiness and health. ✨✨✨
> 
> I wanted to thank everyone who commented on the previous chapter and every kudos left on this story. You guys make my world that much brighter just by existing.
> 
> Please remember to keep the tags of this fic in mind when reading the chapter. Nothing is exactly graphic in here but things get talked about and thought about and mentioned.
> 
> Also (sorry for the long note) this story has decided to take a mind of its own and so it’s taking us places I hadn’t though of before. Instead of wracking my brain about it, I decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. This is the first story I’ve written without an actual outline for it so I’m coming up with things as I go... 
> 
> Anyway, enough rambling and let’s start reading!

"Mr. Minyard, this is a surprise. Is there anything I can help you with?"

Andrew waited until the last student walked out of the classroom before saying anything to his Criminal Psychology professor. "Imagine you have a stalker"

The man's eyebrows couldn't have arched up faster even if he'd tried. "Excuse me?"

"Imagine you have a stalker that constantly sends you gifts and pictures and notes. Everything's leading up to a desired encounter on the stalker's part but you're aware of it so you take precautions. What's the stalker more likely to do now? At what point does his behavior escalate in a dangerous way?"

His professor looked at him with a dumbfounded expression on his face, surely not having expected to be interrogated by one his students on a matter like this. "Assuming this is for academic purposes..."

"It is"

"Well, this seems a little advanced for your year but let's say the obsessed individual is hoping to meet the object of his desire but is constantly thwarted by circumstances or by someone else's interference. I'd say his behavior would go from a passive observer to an active participant"

"Meaning...?" Andrew asked, hoping to fish as much information from the man as possible.

"He would either try to get rid of the obstacles or he'd try to take the desired object for himself and that's usually when his behavior takes a turn for the worst, a violent turn"

 _That sounds about right_ , Andrew thought and his mind went back to what he'd woken up to a few days ago.

 _He's mine. He's mine. He's mine._ The words seemed etched on his brain as much as they were etched on the driver's side of the Maserati.

The morning right after the gift basket and the latest note under their door, Andrew had woken up to the words _He's mine_ scratched into the side of his car. He'd been on his way to buy cigarettes, yes, at the butt crack of dawn because he'd smoked through his last pack the night before after waking up from an onslaught of nightmares and the feeling of phantom hands on his body.

The damage to his car had been an unpleasant surprise, but unlike what the Ravens had done before, it wasn't irreparable. As it was, Andrew had decided to drive to the nearest mechanical workshop and have it fixed before anyone else saw it. He'd bought his cigarattes before leaving the Maserati there for the next several days.

When the others asked, he'd told them the battery had ran out, that he'd left the light on inside the car all night and when he'd tried to start it in the morning, it had died.

Everyone else bought it.

Neil didn't buy it.

 _This is getting out of hand. How do they even know about us?_ Neil had asked after raging for almost ten minutes about the car.

Andrew had a theory neither of them liked.

He had spurted facts and assumptions when he'd been trying to calm the rabbit down after the gift basket but he'd been proven wrong on one account. The people that had assaulted Neil did know about them and that could only mean one of two things: either they'd always known because they had been watching Neil for a really long time, or they hadn't and they had been close enough during the previous day to see them holding hands in public. Neither option was better than the other and when Neil had asked what they were supposed to do next, Andrew had come up blank.

He'd been trying to pretend like he had the situation under control, that it wasn't affecting him as much as it was because he was the one who was supposed to solve these problems, to protect the people on his circle. To protect Neil. But somewhere along the past week, things had changed. It was like the damage to Andrew's car had managed to break through Neil better than any comforting words ever could and the redhead was angry more then scared. Andrew though... Andrew was worried enough he'd decided to reach out to one of his professors about it.

"What if there are two?" he asked, willing his mind to focus on the conversation and leave the useless interpretation of emotions to someone who cared, like Bee.

"Two what?" his professor asked back.

"Two stalkers"

The man furrowed his eyebrows and stopped shuffling papers inside his briefcase. "That seems oddly specific. Are you sure this is for academic purposes?"

Andrew didn't miss a beat. "It is. I'm working on cracking a psychological profile"

"I haven't assigned you any so far"

"Doesn't mean it's not academic" Andrew retorted and added further explanation when the man didn't seem convinced. "I'm working on it on my own"

His professor sighed and continued to organize the papers on his briefcase. "Two obsessed subjects with the same desired object can either mean inconsistent evidence and thus more difficulty putting a case together or even catching them in the first place, or it could mean trouble within the pair. Jealousy, power dinamics, things like that" interesting and worrisome at the same time.

"Is there a way to get them to change their desire?"

"Make them fix on someone else?" the man asked in clarificatiom before answering the question. "It could happen but I don't believe there's a magic formula for it. It depends on the subjects, really"

Andrew considered the words for a moment, aware of how much time he'd already taken off the man's schedule and knowing he had to pick up Neil from class in half an hour. Still, there were a couple of questions he needed answers to, and Andrew wasn't one to be needing things too often, so he knew he couldn't leave this classroom without asking them.

"Is it possible for feelings to become involved?"

"I'm not sure what you mean"

"Are the stalkers in love with their obsession?" he finally blurted out with a blunt question. So much politeness on his part was starting to get on his nerves.

His professor either didn't appreciate his bluntness or he was starting to question Andrew's intentions for his brow furrowed further and he pinned the blond with an assessing gaze. "I don't know how genuine the feelings might be but what it's often clear is that they believe they are. Now, Mr. Minyard—"

"Would they ever eliminate their desired subject?"

"It could happen in a fit of rage. Mr. Mi—"

"See you next week"

"Andrew" the man blurted after Andrew had turned away to leave, only the use of his name making him stop and glance back at the desk. "Are you—?"

He sighed inwardly. He'd been expecting this. "No, I'm not obsessed with anyone. No, I'm not about to go kidnap anyone and no, I'm not a stalker"

If anything, his professor seemed genuinely surprised. "I was going to ask if you were in trouble, if anyone was making threats against you"

Andrew couldn't help but be taken aback by the question. He was used to people jumping to conclusions about him, always assuming the worst and never even giving him the benefit of the doubt.

_Did you steal that bottle of booze, Andrew?_

_Did you attack those men unprovoked, Andrew?_

_Did you flaunt yourself at your foster brother, Andrew?_

_Did you assault your boyfriend, Andrew? Did you? Did you!?_

He wouldn't say he was grateful for the man's concern, but it was an interesting change of pace for him.

"Hipothetical case for a research paper" Andrew stated matter-of-factly, giving the man a dead stare in return.

"Academic purposes. Right" his professor answered with a nod and waved a hand signaling himself. "Well, if you happen to have any more questions or if you need help, you know where to find me"

The man even seemed worried and sincere enough to make Andrew nod in understanding before leaving. How disgusting.

He still had fifteen minutes to kill before Neil got out of class and he spent them sitting outside his building, mourning the momentary loss of his car and wondering just when exactly had things gotten so fucked up so quickly.

A random assault in the middle of the night he could compartmentilise as just part of their fucked up luck. They were foxes for a reason after all. You fall, you get back up again and you move on, with new rules and new boundaries in your life but you move on.

A targeted assault he could even try to peg as an inevitability in a fucked up world filled with ill intent and destruction, an undesired and fucking horrible inevitability.

But both cases where just singular events. Andrew could deal with picking up the pieces and try to help Neil wade through the consequences of the act itself until he learned to live with it and he was ready to move on. But damn if it didn't feel like the universe was playing a trick on them.

_Hey! Since a serial killer and the japanese mafia weren't enough to break you, how about being raped by a stalker with obsessive and delusional tendencies? You think you can survive that one?_

If Andrew had still been on his pills, he would probably be laughing uncontrollably right now.

When the time finally came, students swam out of the classroom until his boyfriend appeared on the threshold, his searching eyes landing on Andrew.

Taking a hold of his recently uncasted hand, because apparently they did that now, they walked back to the tower in silence and Andrew readied himself to spend the afternoon keeping a vigilant eye on the underside of the door and sharpening his knives until they could cut air itself.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Get inside the court and lock it. I'll be at the gym" Andrew stated that night once Neil and Kevin emerged from the locker rooms changed into their gear and deeming it safe enough to let Neil out of his sight as long as Kevin was with him.

It was the third night on a row after the two exy obsessed idiots had resumed night practices but Andrew wasn't in the mood to either practice with them or watch them silently from the stands try to perfect drills they'd already mastered perfectly eons ago. It was also the third night on a row that Andrew hit the gym while they did it.

"Again?" Kevin asked incredulously. The blond merely stared at him in response until the taller boy shrugged and walked down towards the court. "Alright Neil, let's go"

But Neil didn't go, he studied Andrew briefly before sending a smirk his way and a look in the general direction of the gym. "Run some miles on the treadmill for me"

"I'd rather die than get on that thing" the blond replied with a lifted eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say"

"Josten!" Kevin yelled from the edge of the court and Neil turned to send one last smile his way.

Andrew opened his mouth to talk though. "Don't go—"

"Don't go anywhere without Kevin. Wait for me to come pick you up or go together to the gym to find me when you're done. Don't over do it and smash a ball at Kevin's helmet for me" the redhead finished with that delicious devilish grin Andrew hadn't seen in a while now and that he hated so much. "I know the drill Andrew"

"You're stupid"

"And you're blushing"

"You're dying tonight"

"Am I?"

Andrew rolled his eyes and turned away from him or he risked getting tempted enough to ask if he could kiss him. If there was something he had never lied to himself about was how much he always wanted to kiss Neil, since day one. His desire for him was never the cause of sleepless nights or torturing sessions with Bee. No, those were all due to his _feelings_ for him, which wasn't remotely the same thing. Feelings were a constant battle for him to even acknowledge, but desires? He had no problems either having them or manifesting them. And oh boy did he miss kissing Neil.

It had been almost two weeks since Neil's assault and no matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't even let himself ask. He hadn't been lying when he told Neil he would never again touch him in a sexual way if the redhead didn't want him to, because Andrew would rather be by his side forever without so much as a kiss than to pressure Neil into doing anything he wasn't ready for or comfortable with.

And wasn't that a foreign concept for him? Forever. When exactly he had started thinking he could have whatever he had with Neil forever, he wasn't sure, but he shook the thought from his mind as soon as he entered the gym. Right now was not the time to be thinking about forever. Right now they had to worry about surviving long enough to not let themselves be damaged any further, to not let Neil get hurt any more.

Every night Andrew had driven them to the court already dressed for his unusual ventures to the gym. It had been a very long time since he'd felt the need to burn away his anxious energy with exercise, ever since getting sober actually, but he could at least admit that he needed to do something to get rid of his anxiety and cigarettes could only do so much.

 _You're feeling paranoid,_ Bee had said yesterday on their weekly wednesday session.

 _Is it paranoia if it's justified?_ Andrew had asked.

 _Is it justified?_ She had asked right back. _Can you describe what you're feeling exactly?_

And there had been that stupid word again. Feeling. Andrew was feeling so much lately.

_Jumpy, angry, possessive, tired, controlling, nervous. Anxious._

_Okay, let's unpack some of that, yes?_

They’d only gotten to talk about three of those before their hour had run out.

Andrew set about doing his usual routine after a meager warm up and a few glances to the treadmill. He wouldn't get caught dead on one of those things but he could imagine a certain infuriating idiot was running to his heart's content on it while he worked on lifting weights.

Three rounds of twelve repetitions for each arm and leg. Two rounds of twenty for his back and abdomen. Water, jumping jacks, walkouts, repeat.

An hour passed.

Andrew went out to check on Kevin and Neil exactly once before coming back to the gym and starting all over again. He could only hope he tired himself enough to fall asleep as soon as they went back to the dorms.

The gym at the stadium wasn't either big or varied. It served a purpose for the times the team had to do some physical training but it was otherwise an unremarkable thing. It didn't have showers or lockers of its own since the locker rooms weren't that far away from it. It had no windows and only one single door. It had a small water fountain in a corner and a restroom on one side. The A.C. and ventilation system turned on automatically when someone turned on the lights. All in all, it was nothing to get too excited about.

They had another home game tomorrow night, which meant Neil and Kevin stayed on the court longer than usual because Neil needed to get back in shape after his injury, which meant Andrew exercised more than he had intended to, which lead him to drink water into oblivion and force him to go to the bathroom at the end of his workout.

He should have known that continuing to enable the strikers' obsession for the stupid stickball sport could never lead to anything good. And what was that he'd been thinking about their rotten luck earlier?

Andrew couldn't have been in the bathroom for more than five minutes but the moment he opened the door, the first thing he noticed was the brightness of the room. The second, the smell.

Fire.

He would have liked to say he acted quickly and instinctively, taking one look at the fire and running out of there in less than ten seconds, but the truth was he'd been caught off guard and he was frozen in place.

The fire was licking away at the plastic seats of the machines huddled together on one side of the room and it was spreading quickly towards the rest. How the hell had a goddamned fire started so quickly? Had any of the electrical outlets short circuited? Had the A.C.?

When a cough made its way out of his lungs, that's when Andrew finally reacted. Smoke was already gathering at the ceiling and the gym was so fucking small it was gathering quickly. Andrew needed to _leave_.

He ran towards the door, twisting the knob and pushing until he was—

Pushing the door out until—

Andrew frowned, his heart uncomfortably hammering inside his chest.

He pushed again.

The door wouldn't budge.

Andrew yanked inwards a few times but it was useless, he knew the door opened outwards. The door wasn't locked because he could turn the knob just fine but something must have been blocking it because no matter how hard he pushed, the door wouldn't move.

"Hey!" he banged his fists on the door several times, willing his heartrate to go down and let him think, _just think damn it._ "Open the door!"

But if there was even anyone out there, they weren't listening. He doubted Neil or Kevin could hear him inside the plexiglass court and the mere thought of them had his heart lodging painfully in his throat. What if this wasn't the only fire? What if the court was on fire too?

Andrew glanced back and winced at how rapidly the fire had already spread. "Fuck!" he yelled and then coughed a lung out for his troubles.

He pounded the door again and threw himself at it trying to dislodge whatever was blocking the it but all he was accomplishing was bruising his shoulder and rattling his breath.

When the heat registered, that's when the panic started to set in.

"Neil! Neil!" he yelled. "Kevin!"

Distantly, he registered that the fire alarm was blaring. When had it started? If there was something Andrew hated about panic was the loss of awareness on his surroundings. Basic human instinct had sparked the moment he'd walked out of the bathroom and he wasn't thinking rationally. If he were, he might have remembered to use his fucking phone instead of banging his fist raw on the door.

The air was getting acrid and charred, and Andrew found himself doubling over with the force of his coughs.

Cover your nose, drop to the floor. Those were things he was supposed to do in case of a fire. Water your clothes. He glanced back to the bathroom, the path was still clear. He ran towards it, taking off his shirt and sticking it on the sink. He watered his armbands as well. He put the shirt back on and pulled the collar over his nose. It helped marginally.

On his way back out he caught a glance of the place the fire extinguisher was supposed to be and he cursed his panic once more for not having thought of it before, but it was a useless thought anyway. The spot was empty.

Andrew was coughing in stride now and it was only when his lungs caught a reprieve from the smoke that he heard the frantic call of his name.

"...drew! Andrew!" someone was banging on the door.

It was Neil.

"Open... the fu-fucking... door!" the blond spat back between lungfuls of breath.

"I can't! Andrew, I can't! It's shut closed, it's nailed closed!"

Fuck, Neil was panicking too.

Andrew tried pushing the door again. He fell on his knees at the effort, pain exploding on his chest with every body wracking cough.

"Andrew?" he could barely breathe. "Andrew! Fuck! Talk to me!"

Fuck, Neil was panicking too.

Andrew frowned. Hadn't he had that thought already?

He mentally shrugged.

Neil kept trying to get an answer out of him and he was saying things, important things but Andrew was too focused trying to get oxygen into his lungs and pretending that the heat licking at his body wasn't a goddamned raging fire behind him.

Fuck, he was beyond panic now.

As the minutes dragged on, all Andrew could do was let his body sag further into the door while the frantic beating of his heart drowned out everything else.

"ANDREW!!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me, I wasn’t expecting the fire either. My poor Andrew 🥺  
> I’m so sorry if this chapter was fast paced and rushed, I literally wrote it in like two hours. Hopefully it’s good enough and you’ll like it anyway... let me know what you think? 
> 
> Also, all of your theories as to what the hell is going on are awesome and probably, possibly, definitely true! Assuming nothing unexpected happens again, right?
> 
> Happy New Year again!


	12. Neil!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on... I’m not that evil... how was I going to let you guys hanging from that cliffhanger?  
> So here’s the next chapter! Let’s see how things happened from Neil’s side of the door.  
> Fair warning: the narrative in this one is kind of fast paced because Neil is panicking hard while trying to remain functional at the same time.

Strange as it may be, Neil had never heard a fire alarm before.

He'd seen fire, of course he'd seen fire, but never inside a building and never in the middle of practice.

"The hell is that?" he asked Kevin when the somewhat muffled sound reached them inside the plexiglass walls.

Kevin took out his helmet with a frown. "The fire alarm"

It was a shril sound, kind of like the alarm bells at school, and the moment they opened the court doors, the sound assaulted them in full stride.

"I don't smell anything" Neil said, taking his helmet off as well as his gloves, because if there was one thing he would always associate with fire, it was the smell.

Kevin's stride didn't falter and he began to shed his protective gear too to leave it inside the edge of the court along with their racquets. "We're still leaving. The fire could be anywhere"

Or it could be a false alarm, Neil thought, or a fire drill. But who would hold fire drills in the middle of the night in an empty building?

"Let's go get Andrew" he said and redirected Kevin towards the gym.

The cutting sound of the fire alarm resonated through the whole building enough that Neil thought everyone on campus must have been able to hear it and as they hurried towards the gym, Neil couldn't get the feeling of exposure out of his bones. With everything that had happened that week, another incident like this just couldn't mean anything good. Was someone pranking them? And why hadn't Andrew come out looking for them yet?

It was Kevin who saw it first. He faltered a moment in his step and reached out to him. "Neil"

And he followed the taller striker's gaze.

Smoke.

Smoke was coming from underneath the door.

Neil's brain shortcircuited. He'd known, he'd _known_ that if Andrew hadn't gone looking for them the second the alarm started blaring then it was because he _couldn't_ , and he couldn't because the smoke... the smoke was coming from the _gym_ and Andrew was inside the gym and there was a fire and—

"Andrew!" he yelled and ran the rest of the way to the gym, Kevin fast on his hills.

He yanked on the door but the thing wouldn't budge.

 _Wha_ —

"Move over" Kevin barked and tried a couple of times with the same result.

While he watched Kevin work, his eyes found the slit under the door again and it was only then that his mind finally registered the acrid smell of the smoke.

No. No no no. What if Andrew was passed out? What if he was already burning? What if he was dead. Dead. Dead!

Neil gasped and almost gagged. The image of his mother's body burning in the car assaulted him and the mere thought of Andrew going through the same thing had his mind careening into panic.

He pushed Kevin aside and banged on the door.

"Andrew! Andrew!" why wasn't he answering? And why wasn't the fucking door opening?

The alarm continued to blare in the background and Neil barely registered Kevin telling him he was going to the locker room to get his phone and call someone, anyone. Neil only half listened. His mind was focused on the obstacle separating him from Andrew and the image of his boyfriend burning, burning, burning!

He yanked and banged on the door and yelled Andrew's name until his eyes finally landed on the knob and the tiny cilindrical things sticking out of it in every direction. Nails. The door wasn't just stuck, someone had probably used a nail gun to shut it closed.

It was only after the shock rendered him speechless that he was able to pick up the sound of shuffling feet behind the door and the faint sound of a cough.

His heart threatened to burst out of his chest. "Andrew! Andrew!"

"Open... the fu-fucking... door"

Jesus Christ he sounded so winded already! "I can't! Andrew, I can't! It's shut closed, it's nailed closed!

Instead of an answer, more wracked coughs reached his ears and no matter how much he called, the blond didn't offer any more words.

"Neil?" Kevin asked, running back from the direction of the locker rooms. "I called 911, the fire department is on its way. Is he in there? He okay?"

"He's not fucking okay Kevin! He's not even talking, he's choking! Andrew?" he called again, banging a fist repeatedly on the door. "Andrew! Fuck! Talk to me!"

But no matter what he tried, the blond wouldn't respond.

"Andrew come on. Help's on its way. Don't do this to me. You can't do this to me. ANDREW!!!"

Kevin stepped in then to stop him from breaking his hands on the door or injuring his wrist again. All that desperate banging had done nothing to help his still healing hand and he could feel a sharp presure inside his wrist.

But fuck his hand because Andrew was burning and he was choking and he was dying and there was nothing Neil could do because the door was stuck because someone had nailed it shut because someone was trying to kill Andrew! And it was all Neil's fault because _he's mine, he's mine, he's mine_ was written on the side of Andrew's car and someone was after Neil again and they were going to take Andrew out of the way because Andrew was his boyfriend but Andrew was dying because he was burning, burning, burning!

"NEIL!" the redhead inhaled sharply as Kevin yelled right in his ear. "Calm the fuck down! Let them work!"

Them?

Neil let out a few coughs himself as Kevin dragged him away from the door so a couple of firemen could begin working on it. When had they gotten there?

"You two!" someone yelled. "With me!"

Neil watched almost in a trance as the first pair of firemen yelled instructions at Andrew through the door. They were asking him to move away from it if he could. But what if he couldn't? What if they were too late?

"Neil, let's go" Kevin kept dragging him back because they were just students and they would only get in the way and the firemen needed room to work and they were inhaling enough smoke as it was and they needed to get outside fast but didn't they understand that he couldn't? He couldn't leave without Andrew, he needed to get to Andrew!

"Kevin... Kev– Kevin, I can't. Andrew, need to get him" Neil cursed his friend for being taller and stronger than him because Kevin merely dragged him away from the gym and kept dragging and dragging his stunned body until Neil suddenly found himself outside with flashing lights in his eyes and more firemen rushing to their side and offering blankets and water and ushering them even farther away from the building, farther away from Andrew.

"Kevin please" he tried again, this time cursing _his_ body and his panic because he couldn't dislodge the other boy and also cursing his weakened legs because he finally realized he was holding into Kevin as much as the older boy was holding into him because if Andrew... if Andrew died then how the hell was Neil supposed to keep standing all by himself? "Kevin... if Andrew... if he dies... if Andrew dies, I die. I die with him. He can't die... he can't, he—"

"He's not gonna die" Kevin spat between clenched teeth and Neil knew the taller boy wanted to yell at him some more or maybe his tight expression was because he thought Andrew was a good as gone too because Neil hadn't seen any fire but there had been so much smoke and Andrew couldn't even speak and—

"I need a paramedic here!" someone yelled and Neil's mind sharpened at that.

He looked up towards the entrance of the stadium and sure enough, a fireman was slowly dragging Andrew away from it. He had one of Andrew's arms slung over his shoulders and an arm around his waist. Before Kevin could stop him, he used the burst of energy seeing Andrew had given him to push the older boy aside and run towards his boyfriend.

"Andrew!"

Another fireman tried to stop him, but Neil broke free of that hold as well and made it all the way to the blond. Andrew's skin looked an angry shade of red underneath the black soot covering his features and darkening his hair. His clothes were rumpled and smoke seemed to be coming out of the garments themselves, and he was wheezing, wheezing and coughing hard enough that just listening to him was painful. But he was awake damn it! He was awake and conscious and somewhat walking under his own power and Neil's world righted itself up again, at least until he saw Andrew trying and failing to dislodge the fireman's arm from around his waist and seeing the fear lurking behind his eyes.

"Andrew" he called again and reached him, glad the other boy heard him and locked eyes with him. Neil could see the pleading look in his eyes and he was quick to act. He perched himself on Andrew's other side and slung the blond's free arm over his shoulder.

"Kid" the fireman said, refusing to relinquish his hold on Andrew.

"Let him go" Neil said because couldn't they see Andrew was trying to get away from him?

"You need to step out of the way and let us work, the paramedic—"

"Just give him to me!" he burst out and only when Andrew used his remaining strength to pull his other arm free did the fireman let him go enough to sag against Neil. That's also when the blond dissolved into a fit of painful coughs, his face tucked into Neil's chest. "I got you, I got you" the redhead soothed as Andrew leaned more of his weight into him and they both ended up kneeling on the ground.

Andrew’s skin was more than feverishly hot and Neil wanted to run his hands over his body looking for burns or other injuries, but he limited his touching to Andrew’s neck and hair, not liking the heat or the ammount of soot coloring his skin.

“Andrew, hey, Andrew, look at me”

“He needs oxygen” someone said above them and Neil saw that instead of the firemen looming over them, there was a couple of paramedics. One of them was holding an oxygen mask.

“N-no” Andrew wheezed before another cough wracked his frame. Neil looked down at him and he found reddened hazel eyes already looking at him. “You… o-okay?”

Neil couldn’t believe his ears. “Me? You were the one stuck in a fire. Me? I’m fucking fine Andrew. Me? I’m dandy! But—”

“ _Neil_ ” Andrew growled but that was as far as he got. The next round of coughing left him so winded he slumped even further into Neil.

“That’s it” the paramedic said, kneeling down in front of them and trying to force the mask on Andrew’s face. The blond flinched.

“Get away from us!” Neil snarled with as much venom in his voice as he could muster and he couldn’t help but flash back to that day in the hotel in Baltimore and Andrew using the same words on Abby.

“Look, kid—” one of the firemen started.

“He needs oxygen!” the paramedic repeated.

“Then give it to me. I’ll get him to use it”

“You need to let us work”

“We’re wasting time”

“Neil, come on” came Kevin’s voice somewhere to his right.

“He said no”

“He could still die from smoke inhalation if we don’t get clean oxygen into his body now”

“What the hell is going on here?” Wymack. Had Kevin called him?

Things were getting out of control. Andrew was shaking in his arms, whether it was from the sudden change in temperature for him, the constant coughing or the nervewracking presence of so many unknown people around him, Neil didn’t know. But what he did know is that everyone was right, Andrew _needed_ oxygen and Neil _needed_ to let him go so they could check him over and make sure he was alright but Andrew had said no damn it! He had said no and he was clinging to Neil where he didn’t want anyone else touching him and that _meant_ something but Neil was torn between protecting his boyfriend from the world or protecting him from himself.

“Andrew” he whispered, shaking the blond’s head a bit to make his gaze focus. “Andrew, you have to let them put the mask on you, okay? You have to”

Neil was sure that had Andrew been able to talk at all, he would be spitting the words _I don’t have to do anything_ right at him and Neil would agree, because no one should ever make Andrew do anything he didn’t want to do, but he was dying and Neil needed to do something.

“Would you let me do it?” he asked the blond before looking up at the paramedic with a glare that would rival his father’s just waiting for the man to contradict him. As it was, the man just nodded. Neil would have liked to think it was the intensity of his protective streak that had the man seeing reason, but it was probably just Wymack’s voice convincing the man that if there was anyone who could get Andrew to wear the mask, it was him.

Neil didn’t care. As long as he could help Andrew get the oxygen he needed and feel safe enough away from everyone else, then he would take it.

“Hey” he called once the mask was in his hand. “This will help you breathe, come on”

Andrew was stubborn, that much was obvious, but it also wasn’t anything new, so when the blond reached to take the mask and put it on himself, not letting even Neil do it for him, the redhead could only smile in relief. It was also a bit worrisome though how after the first assisted breath, it was like a dam had been broken. Andrew’s eyes widened and he greedily began to breathe in the clear air from within the mask. With a painful pang on his chest, Neil watched as Andrew sucked in air like a drowning man breaking the surface and he was also worried because the more he breathed, the harder he seemed to cough. The paramedic assured him that it was normal and that he just needed to ride it out. He also said it was time to take him to the hospital.

Neil was expecting a more violent reaction to the word on Andrew’s part, but when he looked down at him, Neil found him with his eyelids already dropped halfway and the mask at the verge of falling from his hand. The coughs had eventually subsided some and he seemed to sag the rest of the way into him. Neil didn’t think Andrew would be strong enough to remain upright on his own. He barely seemed conscious right then.

Neil jumped when a firm hand landed on his shoulder but he sighed when it was only Wymack, his coach sporting a worried but understanding frown on his face. “I’ll help you lay Andrew down on the gurney but then we’re letting them load him into the ambulance. We’ll follow in my car”

It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t a suggestion. Neil looked down at Andrew again only to find the blond’s eyes closed all the way and the hand holding the oxygen mask limp on his lap.

Neil nodded at Wymack because what else could he do? He didn’t know how the man managed to convince the paramedics to let them be the ones to arrange Andrew into the gurney, but Neil wasn’t complaining. Still, when the moment came to let them take him away and load him into the ambulance, Neil felt his own legs falter. He leaned into Wymack and suddenly Kevin was at his side too, but he had eyes only for Andrew. The mask had been placed back into his face and he looked so pale and yet angry red and black from all the soot and so fucking vulnerable that Neil felt the world tilting on its axis once more.

The sound of flesh ripping away from bloody leather seats assaulted him enough to flinch away from both Kevin and coach and though they spoke and were probably asking what was wrong, Neil could only hear the awful sound of his mother’s death combined with the awful sound of his boyfriend’s coughs. He felt lightheaded but he refused to look away as the paramedics loaded Andrew into the ambulance, closed the doors with a resounding thud and pulled away from the stadium parking lot.

The ambulance wasn’t on fire, not like the car he’d burnt his mother in, but he felt hollow anyway as he watched the ambulance ride away with the lights flashing and the siren blaring.

“You okay?” Kevin asked but Neil didn’t answer, because there weren’t enough words to describe how much not okay he was in that moment. He turned to Wymack instead.

“Are we going or what?”

The man nodded and after exchanging a few words with the firemen captain, they were on their way. Kevin walked close to him as they made their way to coach’s car and Neil could feel the taller boy’s worried eyes on him, but he paid him no mind. Neil climbed into the back seat of the car and counted restlessly the minutes until he could see Andrew again and make sure with his own eyes that the blond boy was alive, to make sure that he was okay.

Neil closed his eyes during the ride and focused solely on that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... there’s that. Any thoughts?


	13. If he dies, I die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, but here’s the next chapter!  
> WARNINGS! Lots of angst on this one. And feelings, also feelings.  
> Every once in a while I like to experiment with my own writing so that’s how this chapter came up. I hope I was able to portray what’s going on in the first half of this chapter successfully. I guess you’ll let me know? I’d really appreciate it :)

_If he dies, I die._

"Can someone explain it to me one more time? Kevin?"

"I already told you coach. We were in the middle of practice and the fire alarm went off. Andrew was at the gym. The fire was at the gym"

"That doesn't explain why he was locked inside the gym"

"We don't know why either"

"You didn't see anyone? Josten?"

"Neil?"

_If he dies, I die._

"Hey, Neil?"

"..."

"Oookay. So you didn't see anyone come in after you did, right?"

"No, coach. We were focused on practice"

"Of course you were"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"We're here"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"We're looking for Andrew Minyard?"

"The fire victim?"

"Yes. How is he?"

"He was just brought in. I don't have much information other than he's being treated for moderate smoke inhalation. May I ask what your relationship with the patient is?"

"I'm his coach and one of his emergency contacts"

"Then a doctor will come out and see you when there's anything to inform"

"Thank you"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"What did she say?"

"We have to wait. You guys should probably get checked out too"

"I don't know if he'll agree to it"

"Neil? You could have inhaled some smoke too"

"Neil, snap out of it"

"Kevin, stay with him and wait here. I'll go make a call"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Kevin!"

"Abby"

"My God, are you okay? How's Andrew?"

"We're fine. We don't know about Andrew though. And we don't know about him"

"What's wrong?"

"See for yourself"

"Neil, honey, you okay?"

"He's been like this since we got in the car"

"Where's David?"

"He went to ask about Andrew again. It's been almost an hour since they brought him"

"Alright, I'll go find him"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"You think it might be shock?"

"He hasn't talked at all since the fire?"

"Not since we got in the car to come here"

"Has anyone seen him?"

"We didn't think it'd be a good idea for anyone to try and give him a check up right now"

"Maybe he'll let you do it?"

"I can try. Kevin, did you call Aaron and Nicky? They should know"

"Fuck. I didn't"

"David, go with him. I've got Neil"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_If he dies, I die._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Hey, Neil... I just want to know if you can hear me?"

Neil flickered his eyes towards Abby.

"Good. Good. Are you not talking because you don't want to or because you can't?"

Neil shrugged and looked away from her.

"I'm no Betsy, but maybe you're a little bit shocked about what happened tonight?"

Neil shook his head.

"Do you want me to actually call Betsy? Or someone here could see you, I'm sure"

Another shake of his head.

"Can you at least tell me if you're hurt anywhere? A nod or a shake will do"

A shake.

"Good. I'm sure you're worried about Andrew but remember that the first rule for taking care of someone else is to take care of ourselves too"

No response.

"Maybe if we—"

"Abby? I'm sorry, these men need Neil's statement"

"Oh... does it have to be now?"

"The sooner we get this done the better ma'am. We already took the other boy's statement"

"Alright. I don't know how much he'll be able to tell you. I think he's in a sort of shocked state"

"We'll be careful"

"Do you mind if I stay with him?"

"Not at all"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Hey kid. Your name's Neil Josten, right?"

Neil nodded, gaze still focused on the wall across from him.

"You think you can walk us through what happened at the stadium?"

_Someone tried to murder Andrew._

"Fire. Locked door. Smoke inhalation"

"What were you doing at the stadium so late at night?"

"Practice"

"You do that often? Practice so late?"

"Yes"

"Kevin told us you were at the court when the fire started, is that correct?"

"Yes"

"And when you went looking for Andrew, the gym door was locked?"

"Nailed"

"Yes, nailed shut. Do you have any idea how that could have happened?"

_Yes._

"No"

"The fire department found gasoline inside the gym. Some of the machines were doused in it. They say the only way the gym could have caught fire is if someone lit the gasoline on purpose. Did you happen to see anyone else there besides Kevin or Andrew?"

"No"

"Do you know if there's anyone who may have wanted to hurt your friend?"

_Yes._

"No"

"Are you sure?"

"..."

"Neil, are you sure?"

_No._

"Yes"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"I think we're gonna have to talk to him again when he isn't so out of it, he may remember something more. Is anyone seeing him for the shock?"

"I'm handling it"

"Okay then. Mr. Wymack, we'll be in contact with the school about the investigation. If you could provide us the security tapes from the stadium..."

"I'll drop them off at the station in the morning. Right now I need to be here for my players"

"Of course. If Neil or Kevin can think of anything else, give us a call"

"Thanks"

"David, I want someone to see Neil. I've never seen him like this before"

"Yeah, you're right"

_If he dies, I die._

"Neil? David's looking for someone to help you. We just wanted you to know"

"I'm not in shock"

"Oh. Still, it wouldn't hurt to—"

"Make someone see me and _I'll_ hurt them"

"Neil..."

"I'm fine"

"But—"

"I'm not in shock"

"Okay, Neil"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Where is he!?"

"Nicky, calm down"

"Don't tell me to calm down Kevin! How's my cousin?"

"He's still being treated. They say it's moderate smoke inhalation but I don't know. It's been too long"

"What's wrong with him?"

"We think he's in shock"

"Oh... poor Neil"

"Fuck Neil. Hey, stupid! What the hell happened?"

" _Aaron_ "

"Coach and Abby said not to bother him right now"

"Fuck that! This whole thing is probably his fault!"

"He didn't start the fire. We were nowhere near"

"He's fucking my brother and he's a trouble magnet. He brought this on him"

"Shut up Aaron"

"Why do you all keep—!"

" _Shut it!_ "

"Coach"

"I thought you of all people should appreciate we're in a _hospital_. Now quit yelling unless you want to get kicked out and then who's gonna see Andrew when they let us? And stop shouting at Neil. We don't know what's wrong with him. Don't make it worse"

"But—"

"I don't want to hear it"

"Fine!"

"Aaron, where are you going? Wait for me"

"Kid, you really need to snap out of it. Kevin, stay with him"

"I haven't moved"

"I'll ask about Andrew again"

_If he dies, I die._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"I'm looking for a Coach Wymack?"

"Here"

"You'd like to know Mr. Minyard is out of inmediate danger"

"Oh David... thank God"

"However he hasn't regained consciousness yet and we'll be keeping him in the ICU for close observation"

"What are his symptoms? Complications?"

"He was brought in for a mild to moderate smoke inhalation, he was already unconscious when we got him. It was important to administer as much oxygen as possible and clean his airways. We managed to stabilize his vitals, all the constants except his oxygen stats, which is to be expected but given that he's remained unconscious we won't really know if there's any damage to his brain due to lack of oxygen until he wakes up. I don't think the exposure time was enough to cause any severe or permanent damage but we're keeping a close eye on him just in case"

"Is he hurt anywhere else? He was in a fire after all"

"There's some irritation of the skin and his temperature is a bit high. Again, all of this is to be expected, but there was no direct contact of the fire on his skin. We're not treating him for burns. Anything else he finds himself uncomfortable with, we'll have to wait until he wakes up"

"Which will be...?"

"I'd give him the rest of the night for his body to rest and recuperate all the oxygen lost, but it's hard to say for sure"

"Excuse me, doctor, could we see him?"

"I'm sorry, not while he's in the ICU but maybe we'll move him to a room tomorrow morning. It depends on how his vitals behave during the night"

"Thank you"

"Hang in there. He's young and he's fit. We're optimistic about his recovery. You should be too"

"Neil, did you hear that? Andrew's a healthy young man. I'm sure he'll get out of this one"

"I'm still worried about him, Abbs"

"Let's give him some time. At least he started talking again"

"If he isn't back to normal in the morning, I'm having him admitted to the hospital too. I don't care what he says"

"David, he can still hear you, you know?"

"Yes, I know, so hurry up and snap out of it kid because you're starting to worry me and I'm gray haired enough as it is"

"Go talk to the others. Take them back home for the rest of the night. I'll stay here with Neil"

"Right. They'll be back in the morning. I have to handle the school board and the police"

"Get some rest too"

"Yeah, yeah. See you tomorrow. Bye kid"

"Rest, David! Rest"

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_If he dies, I die._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_If he dies, I die._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_If he dies, I die._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

When morning came, it didn't bring a lot of changes with it.

Andrew was still unconscious and Neil was still refusing to engage in any sort of conversation. Abby had kept him company all night, she'd talked his ear off until he pulled his legs to his chest on the metal seat and rested his head between the knees. He thought he fell asleep at some point, but maybe it had just been Abby falling silent and the rest of the world following suit after that. Neil sure as hell didn't feel rested so even if he slept, it had probably been a waste of time.

Neil wasn't in shock. He'd been through a lot of fucked up shit in his life and sure, he's been panicky and detached before, but he's never been in shock. Not really. The closer he'd ever gotten to it was the moment his father had been killed, shot dead in front of him, but even then it had been more like hysterical relief.

This? This wasn't shock. This was him trying to come to terms with the words he'd unconsciously let slip the night before.

_If he dies, I die._

He hadn't been able to stop thinking about them at all.

If was a foreign concept to him, not the dying part, but the not being willing to live. During every single one of his twenty years, Neil had been all about staying alive to fight another day. Even when there was a deadline looming over him, he'd fought to live every day like it might be the last, because it really may have been his last. Even when his mother died, he'd found a way to keep going, to keep living, for himself and maybe even for her. He'd never wanted to die. He _doesn't_ want to die, but when he found Andrew stuck in that fire, choking on the smoke, Neil had had the sudden realization he wouldn't be able to go on if Andrew didn't make it. Because Andrew was... and Neil was... he hadn't been sure before but he knew now.

So no, Neil wasn't in shock, he had just paused himself until he could figure out what it all meant to him. What _Andrew_ truly meant to him.

Everything. Andrew meant everything to him.

 _If he dies, I die._ Neil decided he would burn heaven and hell until he found the people responsible for trying to kill Andrew. He didn't care about meeting his own abusers, all he wanted was to take Andrew's knives and put to good use every lesson that had ever been taught to him because he wasn't just going to sit around waiting for the fuckers who did this to—

"Morning!" Neil looked up from his still hunched position on the chair to see the foxes striding into the waiting room with enough energy to wake everyone else up. Neil glanced at a clock on the wall and read it wasn't even 7 a.m.

"Neil" Abby called to him in a lower tone. She looked like she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. "Are you feeling better?"

Neil simply nodded his head.

"Are there any news?" coach asked as he approached the pair while the rest of the foxes gathered around them. Everyone but the freshmen were there.

Abby rubbed the tiredness out of her eyes and got up from her seat. "Not yet. They said they would let us know when he wakes up"

"But he's going to be okay, right?" Matt asked, uncharacteriscally worried about Andrew.

"They're optimistic"

"Optimistic. What does that even mean? And what about Neil? Kevin told us he was acting weird" Allison added, scrutinizing Neil with her calculating gaze.

Neil shrugged and remained silent until coach let out an annoyed tsk. "That's it. You're going in"

"David..."

"He can't go on like this. Dan, go find a nurse, tell them we have a shocked—"

"No" Neil interrupted before the man could finish the sentence. He also got up from the chair and squared his shoulder in front of him. "I'm not in shock. I don't need to be treated. I'm fine"

"Then fucking act like it"

"I'm fine"

Coach narrowed his eyes at him but seemed to believe him enough to let it go. He turned to the rest of the team. "I'll be heading to the school now. We were supposed to host a game tonight but I don't think the match's still happening. I'm also swinging by the police station later. Call me if anything happens and behave yourselves. Abby's in charge, is that clear?"

"Yes, coach" they all said in unison. The man sent a last evaluating gaze at Neil which he only answered by arching an eyebrow, the exchange enough to make coach abort any more comments about his current psychological state. Then it was just Abby and the team.

"Have you guys eaten anything since yesterday?" Renee asked Abby and Neil, to which Abby shook her head.

"We haven't really left the waiting room. Why don't you guys take Neil to the cafeteria for some breakfast while I ask about Andrew?"

"I already ate, I'm staying here" Aaron answered while petulantly making a show of sitting down in one of the chairs. No one missed the scathing look he gave Neil.

Neil looked at Abby and was about to automatically refuse when their nurse made rare use of her authoritative voice to interrupt him before he even started talking. "You're going. You're eating something and you're drinking lots of water. I'll call you if there's any new information about Andrew but until then, you're staying away for at least half an hour. Eat slowly, talk to your friends. Be rested for Andrew when he wakes up, and I wouldn't mind it if you brought me a coffee by the time you came back. Okay?"

Damn Abby. And damn himself because he'd grown too attatched to the woman. She'd helped him so much in the past few weeks alone that Neil couldn't just ignore her orders, so he gave her a curt nod even though he didn't power down the glare he sent her to let her know what he thought of her idea.

"Excellent! If anyone wants to stay here, save our seats"

"Come on, Neil" Allison said, linking her arm with his and guiding him towards the hospital cafeteria.

Renee and Matt ended up going with them, but Aaron, Nicky, Kevin and Dan stayed behind with Abby in the waiting room. Neil couldn't deny he was glad he wouldn't have to endure Aaron's annoying existance and glares. Neil didn't know who he thought he was intimidating but he wasn't in the mood to fight him or even just hear him right now.

And, actually, fuck Aaron. Fuck Aaron because despite everything, he was _right_ but it wasn't like Neil could tell him that. It wasn't like he could tell anyone that Aaron was right: this was all Neil's fault. Andrew had been hurt because of him. There was someone hunting on Andrew because he was his boyfriend and apparently there was someone out there obsessed with Neil. Two someones in fact.

Neil couldn't wait to get his hands on them.

They made it to the cafeteria where Matt and Allison bought two sandwiches and lots of coffee to go. Matt and Renne excused themselves once everything was paid for so they could bring the coffee and food upstairs for Abby and anyone else who needed the caffeine so early in the morning. Allison was left pushing the sandwich into Neil's hands and making sure he ate it. They found a table over to their left and made room for themselves.

"Okay" Allison said, fumbling with the watch on her wrist. "Your thirty minutes start now. We're not going back before that"

Neil simply rolled his eyes and unwrapped his food. He could at least admit his stomach started rumbling the moment they walked into the cafeteria.

"So the silent treatment was true?"

Neil took a bite of the sandwich and made a point of chewing it slowly.

"Awesome. That means you can listen. Look, Neil, I'm gonna cut right to the chase. We're worried. I'm worried. You've been acting off for some time now and I get that you and Andrew are private people and that you told us you weren't feeling well lately and we agreed to give you your space. We're proud of you for even admitting that much, by the way. But the thing is, we're friends, right? At least I like to think of myself as your friend, your hottest and most awesome friend, mind you, but how am I going to help you as a friend if you don't tell me what's going on? And it doesn't even have to be me, actually. It can be anyone of us. Well, maybe not Aaron. Kevin's a bit of a dick too but, you know what I mean, right? I mean, I'm here for you and if there's anything you need to talk about, well, what could be worse than what happened last year? We've got your back Neil so just... talk to us"

Neil stared at Allison as she said the last words and then, in a very uncharacteristic show of embarrassment, she dropped her gaze to play with the styrofoam cup of coffee in her hands.

He didn't know exactly what to say. He'd already gone over it a thousand times in his mind: he would never tell the foxes what happened to him. No one besides Andrew, Abby and Wymack would ever know and that was already three people too many. And if he wouldn't tell them about the assault, then he really couldn't tell them he knew why Andrew had been hurt last night. That was something he just couldn't talk about.

But he also couldn't just ignore everything she had just said, because he was tired, damn it, and he knew there was something he couldn't even talk to Andrew about because the other boy would just brush him off and even though Neil would totally understand why, he just didn't think he'd be ready for it, not after last night. Not after Andrew almost died.

"You are my friend" he started with after a while, because even if he wasn't good at showing it, that didn't mean he didn't feel that way.

Allison's eyes widened a bit at his statement and she got a fiercely proud gleam in her eyes that she hid after a second in order to send him an almost pleading look. "Then talk to me. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help you but at least you won't be carrying that weight around on your own"

The thing is... what he was about to say to her wasn't a burden, not really. It was big, yes, and heavy, but it wasn't a burden. Then was it really necessary to share it? What good would come out of it?

Maybe if he told Allison, he wouldn't feel the need to tell anyone else later on.

"I realized something last night" he said and Allison perched on her seat and offered him her undivided attention.

"What?"

_If he dies, I die._

"I love Andrew"

A few heartbeats went by before Allison said anything. "You... love Andrew"

"Yes"

"I thought you two weren't serious enough for that? We all thought it was just a physical thing"

Neil shook his head and started ripping his sandwich to pieces. "It can never be just physical for me"

"Neil that's... that's huge! Does he feel the same way?"

"I don't know"

"And you haven't told him?"

"I figured it out _last night_ "

"Right, of course. Well, are you going to?"

"No" he answered sincerely and then thought better of it. "I don't know?"

"You think he'd turn you down?"

"I think... I don't know, Allison. I don't want to think about it. I just realized it and I told you. End of story"

To her credit, she didn't keep pushing. "Okay, okay. Just... if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here, alright? We can either fangirl or commiserate about it"

Neil thought he wouldn't be caught dead fangirling over anything, but he nodded just to make Allison drop the subject. He wouldn't say he felt lighter after telling her about his feelings, but there was something about another person knowing that made his realization less daunting than how it really was. As long as no one else knew about it and Allison didn't bring it up again, then Neil was fine trying to deal with it on his own.

"I didn't think coach would let you all skip class" he said if only to change the tone of the conversation. Allison shrugged her shoulders and downed the rest of her coffee.

"We're not. We still have a couple of hours before we have to head back. We just wanted to see you and know how Andrew was doing"

"We should get back up there now" Neil said as a reply but Allison pointed at his shredded sandwich with a disapproving frown.

"Not until all of that's gone"

Neil gulped the rest of it down in minutes.

When they reached the waiting room, Neil took up post in the same seat as before and though he didn't engage in any more conversations, he made sure not to slip so deep into his own thoughts. If everything went well, Andrew should be waking up soon.

But then it was mid morning and the rest of the team was getting ready to leave for class when Dan's phone rang and she held her hand up to stop everyone else.

"It's coach" she said and then answered the call. "What? Why would they do that?... Yes, but... And there's nothing you can do?... Okay, I'll tell them... bye"

"What is it?" Nicky asked as soon as she hung up.

"The game wasn't cancelled. We're still playing tonight"

"What!?"

"They can't do that!"

"Are they crazy!?

"The stadium was burnt down!"

" _Keep it quiet_ "

Abby managed to calm everyone down enough to stop shouting but the angry remarks didn't stop until Dan finally explained.

"The school says the fire wasn't even that big. That it was contained at the gym and that's far away enough from the stands and the court that no one would even notice. And the ERC says since we're enough players this year, they're not making an exception"

"Even if someone tried to kill one of us?" asked Aaron, trying to contain his outrage.

"I'm sorry, that's what coach said. We have to play"

"It's better that way" Neil added to everyone's surprise. Everyone except Aaron that is.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You want to play exy now?"

"If we play the game and Andrew's not there, we can probably lie to the press and say he wasn't feeling well. But if we get a game cancelled, all the vultures will want to know why. They'll dig up enough to find out what happened and then Andrew will be in the spotlight again and I don't want to see him go through that again. Do you?" it was the most he'd spoken since the night before and by the time he finished, some of the foxes were nodding along to his words.

Aaron narrowed his eyes but refrained from saying anything else.

"I think Neil's right" Renee offered, always one to think of Andrew's best interests. "We should just get through tonight's game and not let the situation escalate"

"Fine" Aaron agreed eventually. "Then let's fucking go play the stupid game"

"Are you coming with us to class Neil?"

The redhead shook his head and took a step closer to Abby. "I'll meet you at the court"

"Alright, see you there" Matt said.

Allison put a hand on Neil's shoulder before leaving. "Let us know when he wakes up?"

He nodded and found himself alone with Abby once more.

"I'll drive you to the court in time for the game"

Neil nodded and sat down again to wait.

He was worried. Not about the game and not about the press, though he still didn't like the idea of handling any of those things without Andrew. No. He was worried because Andrew was taking too damn long to wake up and even though the doctor had told them they were optimistic last night, a lot could still go wrong the more Andrew remained unconscious.

Neil couldn't help but think back to his mother. He had died slowly, painfully, bleeding out without Neil even noticing until it was too late to save her. He had thought they still had time. He had thought she would recover from it just like she'd recovered from everything else.

What if they were all optimistic about Andrew and he just took a turn for the worst? Neil knew better than anyone that death could come at a moment's notice and Andrew was already in danger of it.

_If he dies, I die._

The words just wouldn't leave him.

_I love Andrew._

It was one thing to chose never to say those words aloud again and it was another being denied the chance to do so. If Andrew died...

_If he dies, I die._

"He's going to wake up, right?" he asked Abby because even if he didn't believe in false hope, he needed _something_ to not lose his mind to this endless waiting game.

Abby put an arm around his shoulders and Neil found himself unconsciously leaning into her embrace.

"Of course he will. He just needs a little time"

 _You better,_ he told Andrew in his mind. Because without really meaning to, he'd already made the decision not to let Andrew die without hearing the words that had taken a hold of him since the night before.

Still, until he got the courage and the chance to actually tell him, Neil settled himself with saying them over and over in his mind. Maybe that way, when the time came, he wouldn't chicken out of it.

For however long he was left waiting there, Neil focused solely on that.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

_I love you._

_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ._

_If you die, I die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy... Neil loves Andrew... not that we didn’t know that but Neil sure didn’t ;)
> 
> Now, I wasn’t expecting this story to grow so long (and there’s still Part 3! 😰) but apparently, the snowball keeps getting bigger. Now there’s a police investigation involved and the boys are still nowhere near discovering who the attackers are. I’m sorry if things have started to seem too unrealistic but I’m doing my best to make it believable. I always struggle with the details and the plot, choosing to focus on the feelings and the characters, but I’ll do my best!
> 
> Next chapter we’ll finally have Andrew back but first I should give the next episode of the Foxhole Force a little bust.
> 
> Any thoughts on this chapter?

**Author's Note:**

> More on [Tumblr!!!](https://luna-moon-26-20.tumblr.com) 🙌🏼
> 
> You can find me under the name: luna-moon-26-20
> 
> I decided to create a Tumblr account to post some extra content on my stories (mainly on my other story “The Foxhole Force”, but I’ll be posting about this one as well).
> 
> You can expect updates, previews, fanart and more! Also, you can ask any questions and I’ll be more than happy to reply.
> 
> See you over there!


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